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What is Weary?

Posted on August 17, 2020August 16, 2020 by themommytherapist

One morning last week as my husband and I were in the kitchen getting breakfast ready for kids, he looked at me and said, “I don’t know the word but I’m so…” I started spouting off feeling words that I thought would fit given his recent circumstances. “You are so worn out? Burnout? Defeated? Exhausted?” I kept striking out. A few minutes later he looked at me and said, “I’m so weary!” Weary was the perfect word that I would never have guessed.

So what is the feeling, weary? It’s not on any of the feeling charts in my office. Some definitions of weary from the Merriam-Webster dictionary are “exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor, or freshness” and “having one’s patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted.” My non-counselor husband described what we both have been feeling off and on for months.

I am wondering how many of you have also been feeling weary. Weary after the prolonged summer, weary from no routine, weary from the news, weary from monotony, weary from virtual school, weary from a loss, weary from trials, just plain weary. No one wants to stay here permanently. What do we do if we are weary?

I think the answer is rest. Before you tune the remainder of this blog post out, thinking you don’t have time for any type of rest, read on and pick one small way to engage in rest. It can be physical, emotional/mental, or spiritual rest.

Physical Rest

Is it possible for you to physically get some rest and catch a nap while your partner or a friend watches the kids for a bit? Can you sleep in one weekend despite your long to do list? To do lists will never end. Maybe there are some tasks you can to do a little more leisurely and less vigorously to feel rest and not wear yourself out. Hydrate and eat decently. There is only one of you, lowering the expectations of how much you accomplish or produce in a day can give you physical rest and a sense of relief.

Emotional/Mental Rest

Our minds have a tendency to wander and live in the “what ifs” as our recent blog post addressed, ruminate over the past, and stay stuck in negative spin cycles. Guard your thoughts. If a certain topic or imagined scenario produces negative emotional reactions make the choice to stop thinking about it. Yes, easier said than done, but I would encourage you to take those harmful thoughts captive and alter your thinking. Gratitude can give you a break mentally. Mindfulness and meditation can help you stay in the present and focus on life without judgment. We can all use that! If you are constantly in your head and it feels like a battlefield, I would encourage you to talk to someone about it, journal your thoughts, and reach out to a counselor.

Spiritual Rest

When I think of rest from a spiritual perspective, this song, “Quiet You with My Love” from artist Rebecca St. James comes to mind. Through this song I imagine surrendering everything, especially the weariness and experiencing rest in God. Prayer, music, journaling, and reading Scripture are a big part of my spiritual rest. I would encourage you to do something to promote spiritual rest for yourself too. What feeds your soul?

I have come to the somewhat defeating realization that I will never get done in a day what I want to accomplish. For my type A, task oriented, and achievement-loving self, I could be setup to live weary. If I reframe my thinking to remember that I am raising children and helping others, my mindset is lifted and broadened. Moment by moment, day by day, I encourage you to remember what is most important, I hope this mindset along with practical ways to help you rest physically, emotionally, and spiritually leaves you less weary.

Resting with you,

Andrea

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

back to school, comfortzone, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, goals, grief, home, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, summer, Uncategorized, unprepared, values

Ch-ch-changes

Posted on August 3, 2020August 2, 2020 by themommytherapist

Change is always inevitable. As the saying goes, “the only thing constant is change.” That is more true in these tumultuous times than ever. As I type this post, I sit in a home with unpacked boxes and blank walls. During the craziness of a pandemic, my family has moved across state lines. More unsettled emotions and more disruption to routine await my children.

It is important to focus on ways to support our children and give them stability amidst uncertain times. As we have previously discussed, their emotions are weaving through anxiety, grief, and confusion. The presentation of these feelings may come out sideways, but there is no question that they are struggling. School is uncertain and friendships are suffering from lack of time together. Here are a few ways to ensure our kids have what they need.

SET EXPECTATIONS EACH DAY

A way to reduce anxiety is to give the most information possible. As they wake up or join you for breakfast, remind them of everything on the agenda that day. It can include having a FaceTime date with a friend or relative, going to pick up groceries, spending time doing online school or even going on a walk. A few activities that you plan for the day or need them to accomplish, stated in a few bullet points.

This can allow them to have a method for marking the days. As days run together it can become distressing for a child that is used to lots of activity. If it is possible, plan the day with your child and allow them to insert a few items they would like to do or need to do. This can provide some feelings of control.

CREATE A SAFE SPACE

My son is a fan of enclosed spaces. Give him a tent or box and he enjoys himself. Having somewhere a child feels safe can go a long way to aiding their adjustment to change. This can be a corner of the house where they can listen to music, read or draw. Having their own space, again gives them feelings of control and a place to turn when life seems out of control.

Understanding their need for familiar things, and providing them time to seek out the comfort, you are validating their emotions and coping. It sets a healthy precedent for enduring upheaval later in life. It is also helpful to have a place of your own. Modeling healthy behavior aids in kids engaging that behavior.

SPEND INTENTIONAL TIME TOGETHER

How often this is possible, depends on your life stage. Working from home with school age children having to do distance learning? Maybe once a week. However, setting up some activity to do with your son or daughter can give them the extra attention they need. This does not need to be finishing a thousand piece puzzle and hours of work. It can be reading together, coloring together or building a blanket fort.

Kids love experiencing fun with their parents. They love finding ways to do things they know their parents are enjoying alongside them. It builds a foundation of security that lasts during times of uncertainty. Knowing that they have a way to connect with the most important people in their lives.

USE FEELING WORDS OFTEN

We spent the last two months focused on feeling words. On why they are important, how to cope and how to identify them. Revisit those if needed, its never a bad idea. Using feeling words when you are experiencing an emotion as well as identifying their emotions can give your relationships a common language.

Some examples are: “Oh, I see you are so frustrated.” “I am really angry that, that car cut me off. Please give me a minute to listen to music to calm down.” “I am a little confused about what is going on right now, it can be scary”. “It is ok to be overwhelmed with all the change.” One of the phrases I use to most is, “It is ok to cry, but not whine. It is ok to be disappointed.” All of these comments allow for emotional intelligence, modeling and beginning conversations. The more emotions are discussed, the less scary they are for little ones.

Change makes parenting difficult. It pulls and tangles our emotions and then we have to help our emotionally developing little ones navigate it as well. This season, that seems to last forever, is a tricky one. It begs for relief and we beg for stability. Let us find ways to be that stability for our children so they are able to cope effectively.

Growing through change,

Allyson

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Getting Stuck in “What-If?” Thinking

Posted on July 27, 2020July 27, 2020 by themommytherapist

I don’t know about you, but I was hoping for better. For several months, I held onto the hope that things would be different by the time school started. I hoped, both for my sake and my kids’ sake, that in the fall school would be able to resume almost normally.

But now that the school year is beginning, we know for sure that things are not going back to the way things were.

…and that’s about the only thing we know for sure.

The lives of families with school-aged children revolve – in many ways – around school. It’s how we plan our vacations, our activities, our drives or carpools – it’s the cycle that shapes our years, weeks, months, and days.

And now, that routine – that certainty– is gone.

We have more answers than we did a week ago, but almost everything has been up in the air or subject to change at some point. You’ve probably asked yourself at least one of these questions:

Where will my child be the safest?
How will I balance e-learning with going to work/working from home/caring for my other kids/caretaking for a family member/my child’s special needs?
What childcare will be the safest for my child while I am at work?
How do we keep teachers safe?
Will my child fall behind doing e-learning?
Should I consider homeschooling/private school/moving to a different school district?
Will my child be okay without as much social interaction?
And what are the long-term effects for my child going to be with each of these questions?

I want to grieve all that will be lost this school year, but for now, anxiety and fear are much more pressing. For many people who experience anxiety and fear, “what if” thinking can often dominate thoughts. This kind of thinking can be hard to turn off, which can start to affect sleep, moods, and even relationships. This kind of thinking is also exacerbated by external stressors, like job instability, housing concerns, schooling, political and social justice concerns, and, of course, a global pandemic.

Now, “what if” thinking in and of itself isn’t bad. In fact, it can be a really helpful tool. Chances are, your “what if” thinking has come in really handy for you at some point. “What if” thinking can lead to some serious mom wins, like when you already had band-aids in the car when your kid fell down at the park and why you already had a Plan B when your last babysitter had to cancel. “What if” thinking helps us plan ahead and come into the battleground of parenthood with an armory full of tips, tricks, skills, and resources.

But as with any tool, you can get seriously hurt if you misuse it or it starts to get out of control. And so, coping with our anxious thinking has become more important than ever, especially as we are having to make decisions on the fly for ourselves, our children, and our families.

Something as simple as shifting how you view your thoughts can be a simple first step. Viewing “what if” thinking as a tool, like I just described above, can help you see this part of you with more compassion. It can be really easy to blame ourselves, see our shortcomings as “bad,” and to fall into cycles of shame and being hard on ourselves. But this simple shift can make it easier to be kind to yourself and in doing so, give yourself more space to cope and grow.

Getting some mental distance from your thoughts can also help manage anxious thinking. A lot of times, the anxious thoughts that run away from us are rooted in illogical thinking patterns. Identifying and naming those patterns in your thinking can help you to gain enough mental distance from your thoughts to stop the cycle.

Here are a few examples:

Magnification and Minimization: Exaggerating or minimizing the importance of events. One might believe their own achievements are unimportant, or that their mistakes are excessively important.
Catastrophizing: Seeing only the worst possible outcomes of a situation. Overgeneralization: Making broad interpretations from a single or few events. “I felt
awkward during my job interview. I am always so awkward.”
Magical Thinking: The belief that acts will influence unrelated situations. “I am a
good person—bad things shouldn’t happen to me.”
Personalization: The belief that one is responsible for events outside of their own control. “My mom is always upset. She would be fine if I did more to help her.”
Jumping to Conclusions: Interpreting the meaning of a situation with little or no evidence.
Mind Reading: Interpreting the thoughts and beliefs of others without adequate evidence. “She would not go on a date with me. She probably thinks I’m ugly.”
Fortune Telling: The expectation that a situation will turn out badly without adequate evidence.
Emotional Reasoning: The assumption that emotions reflect the way things really are. “I feel like a bad friend, therefore I must be a bad friend.”
Disqualifying the Positive: Recognizing only the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive. One might receive many compliments on an evaluation, but focus on the single piece of negative feedback.
“Should” Statements: The belief that things should be a certain way. “I should always be friendly.”
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Thinking in absolutes such as “always”, “never”, or “every”. “I never do a good enough job on anything.”
*Taken from TherapistAid.com

I don’t think we’re close to seeing “normal” any time soon, and in fact, both we and the world around us have been impacted so deeply that there will be a lot of healing that’s required before “normal” even becomes a possibility. So rather than urging you to “just hang on,” I want to urge you to stop, breathe, and give yourself credit for what you have done so far.

You have parented during a global pandemic.
You have parented through school shutdowns, quarantines, and the cancelled plans of summer.
You have had to create brand new routines for you and your kids.
You have been scared, anxious, worried, sad, and bored.
And I completely believe that you have been doing the very best that you can.

All. Of. The. Time.

You’re not alone. This isn’t just your crisis to handle. Ask for help, receive help, and give help. And we will be here with you walking through it all.

Moving forward with you,

Selena

Uncategorized

I Didn’t Sign Up For This

Posted on July 20, 2020July 20, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I didn’t sign up for this,” she said as we talked on the phone about life. I could hear the feeling in her voice. I wanted to jump in the car, drive all of the hours it took to get to her house to talk, to help, to be there, but I couldn’t because…COVID. Two friends, states away processing parenting challenges, transitions, and COVID. We worked to find practical solutions knowing there is no ultimate solution.

Most of us have had numerous challenges during COVID, and I think many of us have had the thought, “I didn’t sign up for this.” All of those feelings piling up on one another: sadness, disappointment, worry, frustration, boredom, jealousy, and fear add up to the overarching feeling of being OVERWHELMED!

One of my least favorite feelings to feel is overwhelmed. The world feels cloudy, heavy, and unclear. Sometimes our bodies have stress reactions like muscle aches, stomachaches, headaches, and chest pains when we are overwhelmed. We have behavioral changes like snapping at loved ones and dropping the ball on responsibilities. Maybe you are holding onto the thought that when things are “normal” again, I won’t feel so out of sorts, so overwhelmed.

The reality is we do not know when normal will be. That statement is overwhelming! Worrying about getting the virus, sending or not sending kids back to school, working or not working, being a full time parent and employee, missing friends, not seeing extended family, cancelled summer plans, tired of the mundane, wearing masks on every outing, and kids stuck inside is reality. What can we do to feel less overwhelmed?

Let’s meet overwhelmed with practicality. I want us to tackle the feeling of being overwhelmed one step at a time. The first step is to understand you are overwhelmed, acknowledge the stressors and feelings contributing to being overwhelmed, and realize that feeling overwhelmed right now is within the scope of normal. Take a breath, give yourself a break, and tap into one or more of these.

One day at a time.
Take it moment by moment.
Be present in the mundane moments with your kids.
Take social media breaks and news breaks.
Resist jumping to conclusions about what tomorrow, next week, next month will hold.
Find joy in the simple things.
Laugh with your kids.
Remember what is rational versus irrational.
Remain hopeful that a sense of normalcy will be restored.
Go outside for a few minutes each day.
Listen to music that lightens your mood and lifts your spirit.
Encourage a friend or family member.
Connect with someone you have been meaning to talk to.
Read something uplifting.
Watch a feel good movie.

I know these are simple, but small acts like these keep us grounded. They help us breathe and remember to get out of ourselves when that is really hard to do right now. Ruth Chou Simons quoted a German poet, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe in her book Beholding and Becoming. What he wrote in the eighteenth century could not be more pertinent now.

“Cease endlessly striving to do what you want to do and learn to love what must be done.”

There are so many things that I want to do but can’t, and so many things I don’t want to do but must so that my household and business run. I want to invite you to do your best to love what you have to do right now after you take some time to choose a few practical things to feel less overwhelmed. Realigning focus will help us feel more content, and I am committed to doing that so I can feel less overwhelmed and more at peace with my current life. Please join me.

Journeying with you,

Andrea

anger, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, grief, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcompassion, social distancing, summer, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry, but We Can’t: Navigating Disappointment

Posted on July 6, 2020July 5, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I know you wanted to do ________, but we can’t right now.” Sound familiar? I’m sure you’ve said it to your kids many, many times since March. If you’re anything like me, you’ve said it to yourself many times as well. My latest submersion in the pool of disappointment was Saturday. After coming in contact with someone that tested positive for COVID-19, my family went from limiting people interaction, to eliminating the interactions.

Celebrating a holiday in a more subdued manner is so sad. I love to celebrate and have a reason to do fun things that make a day special and different than an ordinary day. I decided, even if the day couldn’t be the hanging out at the pool and jumping into a large crowd to watch fireworks, at least I would treat myself to a milkshake. Of course, the shake machine was down at Sonic! I mean, come on! Disappointment radiated through my fourth of July.

As this pandemic continues, everyone is a little too acquainted with disappointment. How do we cope with this disappointment, and how do we help our kids navigate this emotion? It is especially difficult when you are disappointed for them. Your child was supposed to graduate, visit a theme park for the first time, have a birthday party, see the beach, or merely finish out the school year with their friends. Our hearts hurt when our children do not get to have the childhood we dream for them. Our hearts hurt even more when they express disappointment and we cannot change the circumstances. Here are a few points to consider:

RECOGNIZE DISAPPOINTMENT AS A PRIMARY EMOTION

When people, especially kids, experience disappointment, they often express it through anger. After all, it is more socially acceptable, and seen less as weakness, to explode in anger rather than dissolve into tears. When a child isn’t able to do something they prefer and they throw a tantrum, recognize the primary emotion.

Call attention to their feeling of disappointment, validate their sadness and their original desire. Recognize their anger as a protective reaction to a hope that went unfulfilled. We can all relate. Even small disappointments seem monumental to a child, even a teenager.

Those without their frontal lobe fully developed (anyone under 25) have some trouble regulating their impulses. They forget to utilize coping skills, and often do not want to regulate their emotions. When a feeling is validated and empathized with, the intensity often dissipates. Sometimes it is tempting to belittle the experience, or tell a child that they are over reacting. This moves us to the next point:

VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE

Just because you cannot understand the intensity does not mean it is an overreaction. They may not respond in a respectful manner, and that can be given consequences. However, the intensity they feel is partially due to age. Disappointment is new to them. In some ways, that is a positive reality. Some young people become desensitized to disappointment because it is their constant reality.

Being able to experience disappointment, means you allowed yourself to dream. Recognize the hopes, expectations and dreams that must have been held before the disappointment. Validate the emotion, discuss what was expected or hoped for and give them room to feel. This is a great way to model empathy. The same needs to be done for you as well. Acknowledge and feel your disappointment. Validate your own emotions and seek out those empathetic friends that will validate them as well.

Crying over disappointment can seem immature or being “overly sensitive.” But experiencing that depth of emotion can merely mean that you give yourself freedom to hope and plan and dream – something that adults often do not allow themselves to do. Teach your kids that having that freedom to experience disappointment is okay and actually a mark of healthy emotional expression.

MODEL AND TEACH HEALTHY COPING

When you give yourself permission to experience disappointment, you give your children an example of healthy emotional regulation. But you also give them a front row seat to witness healthy coping. If you had great hopes for a birthday and it does not happen, it is okay to express the disappointment. This may include a few tears, or just a glum expression. When they ask for an explanation, tell them how you feel. However, it is key not to stay there.

Feeling emotions are crucial for a healthy emotional life, but so is coping. We would not allow a teenager to mope for an entire weekend over a cancelled date, so neither can we. Express the emotion, process the emotion and cope with the emotion. This can be putting on some music, choosing a different task or merely engaging in some physical activity.

Some people cope best by processing the emotion with a safe person and as a result they are able to continue on with their day. Others people struggle to move past the emotion. That is where the distraction technique we utilize with toddlers can come into play. Distract yourself with something this is possible and will make your heart a little lighter. You favorite song, facetiming with a friend, listening to a comedian, watching a good movie, going on a walk, creating something or taking a bubble bath. Find something that helps you cope, allow your child to recognize that you are engaging in these coping activities. Work with them to find a few methods that help them as well. Having a list of helpful coping skills on the refrigerator might be very helpful during this time that is filled with more than normal disappointments.

This feeling of loss, of sadness, of missing something, is uncomfortable. However, if we suppress it and ignore it, it will come out in a maladaptive manner. More importantly is that we can teach our children to handle it the same way. Refusing to acknowledge disappointment may result in no more dreaming, only expressing anger or a temptation to belittle others that express disappointment themselves.

Remember, feelings aren’t wrong, they are valid. Feel them, express them, but also be intentional about coping with them as well. You can do this!

Moving through disappointment to the other side,

Allyson

Someone please find me a milkshake!

anger, boundaries, comfortzone, emotion regulation, relationships, trauma, Uncategorized, values

ANGER IS NOT AN OVERREACTION

Posted on June 8, 2020June 7, 2020 by themommytherapist

We live in a time consumed with anger. In light of the recent events, we need to evaluate the underlying causes of anger and it’s purpose, because when we see the expression of anger we only see one part of a much larger and more complex story. It is crucial to place anger within it’s bigger context so that it can be heard, processed and acted upon. Consider how you respond when your children ask about anger and in particular current events. Are you missing part of the story?

Anger has long been associated with many negative characteristics. These characteristics, such as, evil, out of control, unmanageable, or overreacting have created some damaging results. This can cause us to dismiss or disregard anger. As stated in previous posts, emotions are a “check engine light”. Rather than dismissing anger, we must pay closer attention.

Anger has been placed in it’s own containment chamber and is often categorized as something “wrong”. It can be a scary emotion to experience, whether you are the angry party or are facing someone that is angry. It is vital that we do not teach our children that anger is unacceptable.

Even when we do try to dismiss it, anger has a habit of bubbling to the surface. Anger is considered a secondary emotion. This means that the underlying causes are hurt, fear, and/ or disappointment. These feelings are often considered “weak” and uncomfortable. It is important to pay attention to events and words that trigger anger, because it can expose a deeper wound that needs to be addressed. It can be easier to rationalize away hurt or disappointment, but when anger explodes, it requires some attention. Pay attention to when you are angry and explore what primary emotion you may be attempting to suppress.

Anger has long classified and harmfully stereotyped, a particular community, more than any other, within our country. A dear friend of mine shared her perspective, as a member of BIPOC community, in these words:

The Great Awakening

“Until we are all free, we are none of us free.” -Emma Lazarus

Martin Luther King Jr. has been propped up as the ideal African American after which black people are expected to model their behavior when in protest to how black lives are valued in the United States of America and all over the world. We have seen some protests that are not so peaceful as it comes a time when people enduring being ignored for so long and eventually have to speak in the language of the oppressive force as freedom is hardly ever given. It is taken.

A new age has dawned in which so much information is now available about our past so that we fully understand all the contributing factors as to why so called “black” people have fallen so low in society. The very idea that we are labeled “black” is symbolic of us being robbed of a nation, our own language, knowing our exact family lineage/history, etc. The anger that so many are witnessing throughout the black community today is the result of centuries of feeling and knowing that we were never really completely free-whether it be psychologically, economically, etc., compared to many other non-blacks within our society.

I am thankful an awakening has initiated, first of all among black people who are starting to think about how to improve our own lives, which in the past has been impeded by racist Jim Crow laws deliberately meant to keep us in the lowest tier of society while using psychological warfare with phrases such as, “pull yourself up from your bootstraps”- Boot straps that were stolen and burned in the past (Research Black Wall Street- Tulsa, OK-Greenwood and Rosewood).

When I am asked what allies can do to help during this awakening, I am often at a loss for words. The racial disparity which has existed for centuries and that is now being widely acknowledged, is woven into the fabric of this nation and is literally the foundation of it. Black people need a break to think, to organize and to be restored so to speak. How this happens, I am not sure, as many black people have been conditioned to remain in survival mode. It will take some powerful force to restore us and lots of mental work. Allies acknowledging this and speaking up for the agenda to restore black people is a great first step, while black people also make a strong commitment to improvement.

Be compassionate during these times, listen without judgement, ask questions, and/or do your own research when you don’t understand something, be “anti-racist” and not just “not racist”. These are just the first few steps of many to understanding and repairing a system that has been broken from the start. I have faith that we will figure it out, the anger will subside as the healing/restoration starts. However, the anger we see today is very transformative and as we consciously organize our goals for reformation, hopefully that anger is channeled constructively to build a more peaceful and inclusive world for our future generations.

-Tyquencia “Ty” Hal (Allyson’s good friend since 2005 😊 )

Anger prompts change. This is an unfortunate truth. Calm words and appeals are often ignored. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but the exploding engine receives the most immediate care. Our society has become a master at ignoring the uncomfortable. In response, as individuals, we often stick to our corner of sameness and avoid the tension that change prompts.

Change is not easy. It requires sacrifices. Those that fight the hardest are those that experience anger at their current situation. Anger can be fuel that propels someone into confrontations they have avoided with attempts to pacify. Confrontations can be positive, if both parties are willing to listen. An angry person, that is able to remain civil, will often be heard above a passive, peaceful voice.

We want our children to be catalyst for change, to have their voice heard, to be warriors. Don’t we? If that is your hope for your child, you need to teach anger, encourage anger, but model and teach it’s appropriate use. Anger can be something powerful, harnessed for good. We could all use a little more spark sometimes.

Sparking,

Allyson

Uncategorized

The Importance of Showing Up

Posted on May 11, 2020May 11, 2020 by themommytherapist

The greatest impact my mother had on my childhood, was her presence. It is a huge thing to know that someone will be with you, no matter what you attempt. More than that, in these days of social media moms, we are being told that nothing we do is “enough”. There are always more healthy foods we could serve, a better routine we could create or more exciting activities we could promote. No longer is being a Mom something you can individualize to fit your children and your family. It has become more than a competition; it has become an impossible standard.

However, one of the most crucial parts of a parent’s job is to “be there.” This does not mean making every school event or every dinner time. There are parents that work full-time, part-time, and all the time (especially single parents). No matter the work/ life balance, there are still ways to be a prevalent fixture in a child’s life. Being present will communicate some very specific ideas.

IT TELLS THEM THEY ARE IMPORTANT

School plays will be frequent, they will be horribly cheesy and they will be aggravatingly long. However, your child feels like a rock star on stage. When you make viewing an event a priority, it can show them that they matter to you. This does not mandate you be at every performance or even be there to see it live. It can be videoed and viewed with the child later.

When you take something insignificant and insist on giving it recognition, it will make a difference. We often measure the love someone has for us by their willingness to be inconvenienced for our benefit. Willing to be inconvenienced, communicates that they matter.

IT TELLS THEM THAT THEY ARE A PRIORITY

My mother had four kids. She did carpool with all of us and we were all very verbal children. How can you make each kid a priority? You give them one-on-one time. She instituted “show and tell”. We would sit with her at the table and unload our backpacks. We would show her graded papers, activities we completed and paperwork that was sent home.

Each piece of paper represented a sliver of our time that we wanted to share. More important than our desire to share, we felt as though she wanted to listen. We knew that we mattered more than getting dinner on the table or folding laundry. She did those things, but we knew that in that moment, we were the only thing on her agenda.

IT TELLS THEM THAT THEY HAVE VALUE

When you are sitting on the bench at a basketball game and never get onto the court, but your parents are sitting in the stands anyway, it makes a difference. Being a support when your child is in the periphery, matters. This tells them that they do not always have to be the star. They have value no matter how they perform and no matter what others think of their talents.

It communicates that who they are is not determined by their achievements. In a society where every parent has the “honor student” bumper sticker, and parents compete to elevate their children, this message is worth sharing. Your attendance says that your child being anywhere makes something a worthwhile event and it sets an example.

IT TELLS THEM THAT LOVE MEANS SACRIFICE

The way we recognize love, is often how we have experienced it. I know ways of being a parent and loving my kids, because of how it was modeled. Being present is not easy. It is not glamorous and it does not come with a medal. Most children will roll their eyes when entering adolescence and beg you not to “show up” so much. However, as loving parents, we ignore that demand.

Because when it is all over, when they have moved on and become adults, they will remember. They will look over their memories and meditate on their childhoods. They will barely see the faces of friendships past, or costumes worn or baskets made, they will see the fingerprints of your presence in their world. Your impact will be moments at a time, easily forgotten as a single event, but instead remembered as the landscape of their childhood.

Sometimes all we have to offer, is our time. Sometimes time is even a stretch and a sacrifice. However, when we feel inadequate and overwhelmed by the standards of “Instagram” moms, remember that your attendance is what is important. Your attention and your presence communicates and teaches more than any activity you could create. Be you and just keep showing up.

Being present,

Allyson

Uncategorized

Searching for the light

Posted on April 13, 2020April 13, 2020 by themommytherapist

I ventured into Costco this week, and was overwhelmed by the masks and isolation. Waiting in line for them to monitor the flow of customers and having to register the list of unavailable items, I felt the change more deeply than before. The grief that Selena wrote about in the last post, was an almost tangible presence. Our society has shifted and the world will no longer be the same.

Taking time to process the anxiety, grief, loneliness and other unpleasant emotions is important. The more we bury and ignore the underlying emotions, the harder they will hit and the more others will become collateral damage. Once we are able to identify and process through our emotions, however, we do not want to stay and wallow.

Wallowing can be easier. Wallowing is the path of least resistance and wallowing will never make us feel better. It is vital to find ways to splash colors of gratitude, joy and relief in these days of crisis. It will not only allow us to feel lighter, it will alter the atmosphere of our homes.

A CHANGE OF PERSPECTIVE

When we look at all the plans that were canceled, all the people we miss, all the hugs we are unable to receive, we sink into sorrow. Sadness is part of life, but there is joy as well. When our eyes are blinded by darkness we can lose sight of the pin pricks of light. Looking for the light, adjusts our focus and therefore changes what we notice.

Look for the moments to cherish. The family dinner, uninterrupted by soccer practice. The increase in phone calls from friends seeking connection. The days in your pajamas, when comfort is your only goal. When you are seeking the positive moments, you will find them.

BE INTENTIONAL

When we lack intentionality, time passes quickly and our desires go unmet. Schedule a zoom meeting with family, sit in your driveway and wave at neighbors. We all need community. During this time, it will not happen accidentally. Take a moment to find ways to reach out to others.

It takes one step to make something happen. Everyone desires moments of connection. In the age of internet and video calls, we can have time with each other. When you are able to focus on others’ lives, it helps with the isolation and holds the loneliness at bay.

CONTINUE THE GROWTH

Learning a new skill, baking bread every week, or developing more structure is not necessarily feasible. As parents, many of us are trying to refrain from throwing things across rooms. Our kids are a handful and trying to do more than take one day at a time can be exhausting. However, during this time, the slower pace can be something to hold onto once this passes.

Instead of jumping back into life as usual with hectic schedules and more events than hours in a day, investing in what is important needs to continue. The growth we find while enduring the crisis, the character we build, needs to persevere. Valuable change is happening these days, recognize it so that it may carry on.

Life is changing. If we continue on a path of unending disappointment, this pandemic will take a toll on more than just our health or economy. The stress can be overwhelming. It will not necessarily go away, but couple it with encouragement and moments of light.

Searching,

Allyson

Uncategorized

Five Things about Parenting During COVID-19 Crisis From a Therapist

Posted on March 16, 2020 by themommytherapist

The world seems to have turned upside down. It feels as though we are living in a science fiction movie, waiting for a zombie outbreak to occur. My nerd is showing…moving on. This situation is unlike anything most of us have handled before as individuals, or as parents. It can be overwhelming. Here are a few ideas to consider while enduring this pandemic.

ANXIETY PRESENTS IN DIFFERENT WAYS

The “obvious” presentation of anxiety is sweating, shaking, butterflies inside, tense muscles, and racing thoughts. However, one of most predominant impacts of anxiety, for situations like this, is irritability. Fuses are short. Snapping at your partner, friends, family and kids is very normal.

Be aware of your tone and the increased frustration as it is unconsciously seeping into your mood. Knowing to pay attention to the increase is only half of the battle, but it can be helpful to know you are not alone. It is coming from an elevated place of concern for your family and the unknown that is before us. Take a moment. Breathe. Life feels out of control, but you are still here.

YOUR CHILDREN WILL FEEL IT

No matter their age, children can feel emotional changes. The disruption of routine will make an impact on their behavior. Some children can utilize their words to express their emotions. However, if we have difficulty identifying complex emotions, how much more will our children?

Children often feel out of control, because they have very little control. When anxiety becomes more saturated within their home and life, children often act out.

This may look like more disrespect and disobedience, or more neediness. They may insist that they cannot do something on their own that they have been doing for many months. This tells you that they need a minute. A moment of your attention, and maybe a hug. Our children need to know that we see them and we are taking care of them.

IT IS OK TO TAKE A BREAK

Things are spinning. The days are moving swiftly and the information is always changing. Working parents are scrambling without school, and there is a panic regarding toilet paper (seriously guys.. put some back). It is ok to need a breath. Start bedtime a little earlier, let them watch a little more screen time, give them crayons in a high chair, or set up that iPad game.

If you are unable to regulate yourself and take a moment to engage in your coping skills, you will be unable to help your children. This is out of the normal, usual routines will not necessarily work. Give grace to yourself. Having a situation that increases anxiety can cause suppressed anxiety to surface. It is a difficult time. You are a wonderful parent that loves your kids. Needing a break and giving yourself permission to take one, can actually benefit your household.

THIS CAN BE A GREAT LEARNING OPPORTUNITY

Children observe. They observe everything and they see your emotions. Seeing the adults in their life feeling and expressing their emotions is not a negative. Often, parents assume that their kids should not see their anxiety, anger, sadness, etc because they will know something is wrong.

News flash. They know. When they are able to observe your emotions, it gives them permission to experience their own. Also, they can see you utilizing coping skills. This can be a great opportunity for children to see you take a deep breath after you’ve yelled at them, apologizing to your partner or them for losing your temper, utilizing music or stretching to loosen tense muscles, or any variety of coping skills.

Having children learn how to cope with emotions by observing their parents? That is more important than I can emphasize. It can be helpful to find some coping skills you can engage in as a family. This can be finding kid yoga on a streaming platform, dancing to music, mediation, coloring, or even deep breathing together. Teach them that emotions are ok to feel and there are ways to manage them.

TALK TO THEM ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON

We try to shield our children. We want to keep them innocent and free from any concern. However, like I’ve stated before, they know something is happening. It is important to tell them in an age appropriate way, but it is ok to have a conversation. This is especially true due to schools being closed.

Also, getting information from their parents is better than their friends or the internet. You are able to be calm and give them facts rather than hysteria. Here is a link that can be helpful in starting the conversation: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/02/28/809580453/just-for-kids-a-comic-exploring-the-new-coronavirus

Remember, it is okay to be concerned. It is okay to be anxious. It is okay to contemplate hoarding toilet paper. The important aspect of parenting during this time is that how you resolve and cope with your emotions, can be a positive influence for your children. You can reach out for help. Many therapists are offering telehealth counseling for a limited time due to the virus. Also, FaceTime with friends, have virtual playdates and stay connected to others. We are a community. Social distancing does not have to mean isolation.

Washing hands together,

Allyson

Image Credits Creator: 4X-image Information extracted from IPTC Photo Metadata.

coparenting, home, motherhood, parenting, Relatinships, Uncategorized, values

Five Things I Learned from My Parents

Posted on February 24, 2020March 31, 2020 by themommytherapist

Children learn more from watching than hearing. Let’s face it, you remember more about childhood from the lens of what you observed and experienced than what was told to you. As we finish our relationship series, I wanted to reflect on the relationship you have with your partner and how it reflects to you children. All children absorb beliefs through witnessing the relationship between their caregivers, especially if it is seen daily through a domestic situation.

Growing up, I was fortunate enough to have parents that were not only together, but also very much in love. They still are and much of ingrained relational expectations are a result of all I experienced. Here are five things I learned about relationships though observing my parents.

VALUING TIME IS IMPORTANT

Date nights when you have small children is not always feasible due to time or finances. Some of my favorite memories surround getting to move the “small TV” to the back bedrooms, eat pizza and spend time with my siblings. In my mind, that was a treat and it is only now that I recognize its significance. I knew that it was so my parents could have date night, but I can now reflect on the intentionality of their decision.

As a parent I see that set expectation and understand how hard it must have been to follow through. It takes planning and dedication to making spouse time a priority when life with kids is exhausting. They would eat dinner and talk. In some ways, there was a security in knowing they spent time together. That they liked to spend time together.

ENCOURAGE YOUR SPOUSE

I do not ever remember hearing something negative said about my parents by one another. They did not bad mouth each other and did not tolerate anyone speaking ill of the other. Even when they did not agree, only body language would be the indicator and the occasional frustrated tone.

The biggest point of this experience was knowing they cared about one another and respected one another. They would praise each other to us kids and could be heard recognizing something positive the other one did. They were a team and it was obvious.

BE INTERESTED IN THEIR LIFE

Dinner time was spent together and my parents talked to each other as well as to the kids. It did not revolve around only kid conversation. They discussed their days. Many of the acronyms used due to my dad’s engineering job went over my head and probably my Mother’s. However, she would be attentive and ask questions. Genuinely interested in his day.

In the same way, my dad would ask about her day. All of my growing up years, my mother stayed home with four kids. It can be easy to overlook a stay at home mother’s day. However, he was interested in what she did, what she was learning in bible study, her thoughts on many things. He showed that he valued who she was and cared about her life.

RESOLVE YOUR ARGUMENTS

My parents seldom fought in front of us. We knew they fought, as stated before, due to observed coolness, but the “knock down, drag outs” were usually reserved for after bedtime (I think). However, their resolutions were obvious. We heard the apologies and saw the embraces.

This showed me that adults address their disagreements and repair a relationship disrupted by a disagreement. There was never any discomfort from hours of tension or days of frigidity between them. It was apparent that they worked hard to end fights swiftly and calmly, in a method that would strengthen their relationship.

THE RELATIONSHIP COMES FIRST

My parents made it clear that they loved their kids, but their relationship was the priority. It was evident in aligning with one another when we tried to manipulate as children do. They were always on the same page. They even made a point to always sit next to one another, no matter where we went. This was true at dinner, a movie, etc. We knew that they valued one another above anyone else.

The reality of their relationship was a stable force in my childhood. How they treated one another was important in ways I may not realize. As a kid, the world is big and unpredictable. However, due to how my parents handled their marriage, home was a safe place. How they treated one another influenced not only my growing up years, but also how I know to treat my partner. This ripple effect will hopefully shape my children, in the same way I have been molded.

Learning by observing,

Allyson