Category: comfortzone

Posted in back to school, comfortzone, coparenting, goals, home, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcompassion, social distancing, Uncategorized, unprepared

When School Comes Home

Posted on by themommytherapist

Is everyone tired of the word unprecedented?  2020, I’m looking at you! 

So, let’s try something different.  How about remarkable?  Is that annoying?  

Remarkable means worthy of attention, striking.  Unprecedented, in contrast, means never done or known before.  

What if we did an exercise in reframing?  Maybe 2020 with all its unprecedented remarkableness could be an invitation?  Instead of putting so much focus on the unknown, we could remember what we do know and pay attention to it.  Please don’t hear me downplaying the difficulty and grief of all that we are encountering – some to degrees beyond my comprehension.  What I am simply saying is that we have the ability to choose our focus.  We can remember what we know instead of all the things we don’t.  Everything doesn’t have to be unprecedented.

Most of us know how to love our kids and meet their needs in ways that no one else can. Many of us are looking at a year that could include the word homeschool.   Just saying it may cause you anxiety.  I’d like to offer some reassurance and hope.  It might not be easy, especially for those who are trying to juggle a full-time job, but it doesn’t have to be terrible.  This could be an occasion to understand parts of your child’s education experience that you hadn’t previously and an avenue for deeper connection with them.  This is true whether you are actually doing the homeschooling yourself – as in choosing their curriculum and teaching it, or whether you are helping facilitate their online learning.  This year doesn’t have to be a drudge.  

We are on our eighth year of homeschool.  It has been wonderful and winsome in so many ways, but I wouldn’t use effortless as a descriptor. There are humans involved.  It’s the push and pull every day.  Our wills rub up against each other.  Homeschooling has allowed me ample opportunity to instill larger lessons in my children that I’m still learning too.  Oh, don’t worry, I know how to add and subtract and I can tell you a fair bit about the Enlightenment.  What we are working on together is patience, grace, self-discipline, and so many other things that we fail and try again at every day.   

Our culture by in large has reduced education down to the insertion of knowledge, but without wisdom knowledge is anemic.  Wisdom is cultivated through love, compassion and humility. Wisdom is the framework of values that knowledge rests upon.  It is taught most effectively as it is modeled.  As parents, we are uniquely capable of giving these things.  

So, don’t fret about creating the perfect school setting at home.  Don’t stress over choosing the perfect curriculum.  Do the best with what you have in front of you, and trust the one who created education to guide you as you seek to teach or help teach.  Be diligent, but rest in His faithfulness and delight in the present. Julie Bogart says in her book The Brave Learner, “Connect to your children. The academics matter, but they follow. Your children’s happiness and safe, supportive relationship with you come first. Believe it or not, your children are happiest when they believe you are delighted by them.”  And I would add that when they are happiest, their mind will be most open to learning.  So, just stick with what you know.  Love them well and nourish their imaginations.  Block out the voices that are tempting you to make it more complicated or feel less than capable.  

A reminder to all of us – education is a lifelong adventure.  In its truest form it begins in wonder and ends in wisdom.  Take a deep breath and notice the wonder around you.     And in the words of St. Jerome, “It is our part to offer what we can, His to finish what we cannot”  

Grace and Peace to you this school year, I hope it’s remarkable!  

Amy

PS – I highly recommend the podcast Read Aloud Revival.  Enjoying books together is one of the easiest ways to learn.  

Amy Spencer has been married to Ryan for 21 years.  They have five boys ages 13-3.  She dabbles in interior design and enjoys studying history.  As you can probably understand, she never uses the restroom without checking the seat first.  

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

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Posted in back to school, comfortzone, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, goals, grief, home, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, summer, Uncategorized, unprepared, values

Ch-ch-changes

Posted on by themommytherapist

Change is always inevitable. As the saying goes, “the only thing constant is change.” That is more true in these tumultuous times than ever. As I type this post, I sit in a home with unpacked boxes and blank walls. During the craziness of a pandemic, my family has moved across state lines. More unsettled emotions and more disruption to routine await my children. 

It is important to focus on ways to support our children and give them stability amidst uncertain times. As we have previously discussed, their emotions are weaving through anxiety, grief, and confusion. The presentation of these feelings may come out sideways, but there is no question that they are struggling. School is uncertain and friendships are suffering from lack of time together. Here are a few ways to ensure our kids have what they need.

SET EXPECTATIONS EACH DAY

A way to reduce anxiety is to give the most information possible. As they wake up or join you for breakfast, remind them of everything on the agenda that day. It can include having a FaceTime date with a friend or relative, going to pick up groceries, spending time doing online school or even going on a walk. A few activities that you plan for the day or need them to accomplish, stated in a few bullet points. 

This can allow them to have a method for marking the days. As days run together it can become distressing for a child that is used to lots of activity. If it is possible, plan the day with your child and allow them to insert a few items they would like to do or need to do. This can provide some feelings of control. 

CREATE A SAFE SPACE 

My son is a fan of enclosed spaces. Give him a tent or box and he enjoys himself. Having somewhere a child feels safe can go a long way to aiding their adjustment to change. This can be a corner of the house where they can listen to music, read or draw. Having their own space, again gives them feelings of control and a place to turn when life seems out of control. 

Understanding their need for familiar things, and providing them time to seek out the comfort, you are validating their emotions and coping. It sets a healthy precedent for enduring upheaval later in life. It is also helpful to have a place of your own. Modeling healthy behavior aids in kids engaging that behavior. 

SPEND INTENTIONAL TIME TOGETHER

How often this is possible, depends on your life stage. Working from home with school age children having to do distance learning? Maybe once a week. However, setting up some activity to do with your son or daughter can give them the extra attention they need. This does not need to be finishing a thousand piece puzzle and hours of work. It can be reading together, coloring together or building a blanket fort. 

Kids love experiencing fun with their parents. They love finding ways to do things they know their parents are enjoying alongside them. It builds a foundation of security that lasts during times of uncertainty. Knowing that they have a way to connect with the most important people in their lives.

USE FEELING WORDS OFTEN

We spent the last two months focused on feeling words. On why they are important, how to cope and how to identify them. Revisit those if needed, its never a bad idea. Using feeling words when you are experiencing an emotion as well as identifying their emotions can give your relationships a common language. 

Some examples are: “Oh, I see you are so frustrated.” “I am really angry that, that car cut me off. Please give me a minute to listen to music to calm down.” “I am a little confused about what is going on right now, it can be scary”. “It is ok to be overwhelmed with all the change.” One of the phrases I use to most is, “It is ok to cry, but not whine. It is ok to be disappointed.” All of these comments allow for emotional intelligence, modeling and beginning conversations. The more emotions are discussed, the less scary they are for little ones. 

Change makes parenting difficult. It pulls and tangles our emotions and then we have to help our emotionally developing little ones navigate it as well. This season, that seems to last forever, is a tricky one. It begs for relief and we beg for stability. Let us find ways to be that stability for our children so they are able to cope effectively. 

Growing through change,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in anger, boundaries, comfortzone, emotion regulation, relationships, trauma, Uncategorized, values

ANGER IS NOT AN OVERREACTION

Posted on by themommytherapist

We live in a time consumed with anger. In light of the recent events, we need to evaluate the underlying causes of anger and it’s purpose, because when we see the expression of anger we only see one part of a much larger and more complex story. It is crucial to place anger within it’s bigger context so that it can be heard, processed and acted upon. Consider how you respond when your children ask about anger and in particular current events. Are you missing part of the story?

Anger has long been associated with many negative characteristics. These characteristics, such as, evil, out of control, unmanageable, or overreacting have created some damaging results. This can cause us to dismiss or disregard anger. As stated in previous posts, emotions are a “check engine light”. Rather than dismissing anger, we must pay closer attention.

 Anger has been placed in it’s own containment chamber and is often categorized as something “wrong”. It can be a scary emotion to experience, whether you are the angry party or are facing someone that is angry. It is vital that we do not teach our children that anger is unacceptable.

Even when we do try to dismiss it, anger has a habit of bubbling to the surface. Anger is considered a secondary emotion. This means that the underlying causes are hurt, fear, and/ or disappointment. These feelings are often considered “weak” and uncomfortable. It is important to pay attention to events and words that trigger anger, because it can expose a deeper wound that needs to be addressed. It can be easier to rationalize away hurt or disappointment, but when anger explodes, it requires some attention. Pay attention to when you are angry and explore what primary emotion you may be attempting to suppress.

Anger has long classified and harmfully stereotyped, a particular community, more than any other, within our country. A dear friend of mine shared her perspective, as a member of BIPOC community, in these words:

The Great Awakening

“Until we are all free, we are none of us free.” -Emma Lazarus

Martin Luther King Jr. has been propped up as the ideal African American after which black people are expected to model their behavior when in protest to how black lives are valued in the United States of America and all over the world. We have seen some protests that are not so peaceful as it comes a time when people enduring being ignored for so long and eventually have to speak in the language of the oppressive force as freedom is hardly ever given. It is taken.

A new age has dawned in which so much information is now available about our past so that we fully understand all the contributing factors as to why so called “black” people have fallen so low in society. The very idea that we are labeled “black” is symbolic of us being robbed of a nation, our own language, knowing our exact family lineage/history, etc. The anger that so many are witnessing throughout the black community today is the result of centuries of feeling and knowing that we were never really completely free-whether it be psychologically, economically, etc., compared to many other non-blacks within our society.

I am thankful an awakening has initiated, first of all among black people who are starting to think about how to improve our own lives, which in the past has been impeded by racist Jim Crow laws deliberately meant to keep us in the lowest tier of society while using psychological warfare with phrases such as, “pull yourself up from your bootstraps”- Boot straps that were stolen and burned in the past (Research Black Wall Street- Tulsa, OK-Greenwood and Rosewood).

When I am asked what allies can do to help during this awakening, I am often at a loss for words. The racial disparity which has existed for centuries and that is now being widely acknowledged, is woven into the fabric of this nation and is literally the foundation of it. Black people need a break to think, to organize and to be restored so to speak. How this happens, I am not sure, as many black people have been conditioned to remain in survival mode. It will take some powerful force to restore us and lots of mental work. Allies acknowledging this and speaking up for the agenda to restore black people is a great first step, while black people also make a strong commitment to improvement.

Be compassionate during these times, listen without judgement, ask questions, and/or do your own research when you don’t understand something, be “anti-racist” and not just “not racist”. These are just the first few steps of many to understanding and repairing a system that has been broken from the start. I have faith that we will figure it out, the anger will subside as the healing/restoration starts. However, the anger we see today is very transformative and as we consciously organize our goals for reformation, hopefully that anger is channeled constructively to build a more peaceful and inclusive world for our future generations.

-Tyquencia “Ty” Hal (Allyson’s good friend since 2005 😊 )

Anger prompts change. This is an unfortunate truth. Calm words and appeals are often ignored. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but the exploding engine receives the most immediate care. Our society has become a master at ignoring the uncomfortable. In response, as individuals, we often stick to our corner of sameness and avoid the tension that change prompts.

Change is not easy. It requires sacrifices. Those that fight the hardest are those that experience anger at their current situation. Anger can be fuel that propels someone into confrontations they have avoided with attempts to pacify. Confrontations can be positive, if both parties are willing to listen. An angry person, that is able to remain civil, will often be heard above a passive, peaceful voice.

We want our children to be catalyst for change, to have their voice heard, to be warriors. Don’t we? If that is your hope for your child, you need to teach anger, encourage anger, but model and teach it’s appropriate use. Anger can be something powerful, harnessed for good. We could all use a little more spark sometimes.

Sparking,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in anger, comfortzone, coronavirus, emotion regulation, home, isolation, loneliness, parenting, social distancing

Resisting Rage

Posted on by themommytherapist

Rage is a strong word, maybe way too strong or right on to what you have been feeling as you parent almost 24/7 in your home during this “stay at home” order. When I teach children about anger in my office, we usually discuss various levels of anger. I use a thermometer image and we point out where the levels of anger fall on the thermometer such as annoyed, frustrated, angry, furious, and enraged. Something I find myself saying to my clients and at home is the following (I cannot take credit for the quote), “It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to be mean.”

Most of us have felt levels of anger due to the numerous pressures and stressors of staying at home. If you have not felt rage, maybe you have been furious and screamed at your kids. Maybe you did not even know you could feel such anger. If you are extrovert, you need more people, and it is hard to cope. If you are an introvert, you need actual alone time, not alone time with all of your family members present, and it is hard to cope. The goal of this blog post is to give you some ideas of how to help yourself work through your anger so you are not mean to your children nor left with feelings of guilt or shame due to how you parent during the rest of this time at home.

REMEMBER

My husband and I watched the Mr. Rogers movie, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, last month. If you have not seen it, I would recommend it! The part of the movie that stuck out to me the most, and I am roughly summarizing, is when Mr. Rogers spoke about adults remembering what it was like to be a child. Think about how you wanted to be treated by the adults in your life as a child. We often get too caught up in our role as the parent and wanting behavior change and total obedience from our children. I am not an advocate for permissive parenting, but I am an advocate for treating children with kindness, encouragement, and respect. You remember how you were treated as a child just as your children will. Remember that their brains are continuing to develop, they are going through immense change as we are in a pandemic, and the way they process things will likely be messy.

INTENTIONALITY INSTEAD OF AUTOPILOT

I just wish it were as easy as remembering what it was like to be a child and putting your wishes into action. The problem we often run into is that we parent on “autopilot.” This concept of parenting on “autopilot” and three questions of thinking through why a child acted the way he/she did, what you want to teach the child in the moment, and how can you teach the lesson comes from the book No-Drama Discipline by Siegel and Bryson. It’s really good! Days are running together, and it may feel as you are going through the motions due to burnout or exhaustion. Consider this time to polish your parenting skills as you seek to really see your child, understand him/her, and parent to teach them, not simply stop a behavior.

GET PRACTICAL

Lowering your expectations of what you can accomplish in a day during this time may be very valuable to some of you during this time. I love checking off a “to do” list, and I am accepting the fact that my to do list will not get done right now. Remember that your child is not the enemy even though some days it may seem like it. If you feel yourself starting to spiral or about to lose control of your emotions, leave the room (if your child is old enough to be left alone) and regroup. Adults need time outs more than children. If anything can be added to your week to release endorphins such as a phone call with a friend, exercise, reading, sitting outside, art, a devotion, do it and release some stress!

Many of you are frustrated and angry, some of you may rage. I write this post to provide encouragement in knowing you are not alone in feeling this way. I want to remind you that the “stay at home” order is a season. It has an end. If you are not proud of the way you have started, you can be proud of the way you finish. As a therapist, I am continually looking out for children’s safety. The New York Times recently wrote an article that this pandemic could cause a child abuse epidemic. None of us want this.

If you are feeling out of control, please reach out to a therapist and supports for help. By reading this article, you are a parent who is seeking to better yourself and your parenting. Tomorrow is a new day, and you can choose resisting rage and not acting in anger moment by moment.

Finally, here is a proverb that has helped me and produces positive results in my household. I hope it helps ground you as well. Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Moment by moment,

Andrea

Sources:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline. New York: Bantam Books.

Agrawal, N. (2020). The Coronavirus Could Cause a Child Abuse Epidemic. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/07/opinion/coronavirus-child-abuse.html

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in comfortzone, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, goals, grief, isolation, motherhood, parenting, relationships, social distancing, therapy, trauma, values

Hitting Reset

Posted on by themommytherapist

None are excused from the challenges of this season.  The wealthy, the healthy, the married, the single, the successful, and the impoverished are collectively walking through one of, if not the most challenging time in a generation.  Increased weight lays on the shoulders of those in leadership positions as they seek to determine the best course for those in their sphere.  For those special people that call themselves educators; grief, uncertainty, and adaptability demand their attention.  For those medical personnel that are the very ones that fight this pandemic daily; anxiety, exhaustion, and caregiver burnout run thick in their presence.  For the parents that can’t find a moment to themselves and are struggling to meet the umpteen needs that arise within an hour, the mundane, insecurity, and human weakness call for one to expend every last drop of energy and patience. For the single person at home, face-to-face human connection has ceased altogether.  Though in many different forms, this pandemic has brought a halt to our preferences and routines that once helped us lead the life we desired and valued.

Just four and a half months ago we walked into 2020, pondering, discussing, and naming what he hoped or expected the year would have in store for us.  Some of us chose a specific word, goals, and desires for how we hoped this year would look different.  We identified some ways we wanted to take initiative in our lives and shape our lives to align with our values, priorities, and desires.

The current pandemic infuses our homes with tension and our hearts with grief. But for those willing to see, this time brings with it the gift of perspective. It is a magnifying glass for our lives, so to speak, to help us better appraise what is most dear to us, what is most challenging to us, and what is creeping in unwarranted and stealing precious moments from us.  Insight that we did not have just a few months ago has been given.  Complacency and busyness no longer plague our society and hinder our growth.  Our busyness has ceased, our culture has shifted, and we have this small moment in time to evaluate our values and priorities and implement some necessary changes to lead the intentional, value-driven life we desire to lead.  In assessing our different areas of development (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and relational), what are the areas that need evaluation with your newly gifted magnifying glass?

Have you found yourself in a cycle of over-eating, emotion-eating, slothfulness, or maybe just a few too many alcoholic beverages?  Do you have a sense that your emotional health and strategies for coping could improve?  Have you put off spiritual disciplines or seeking Christ altogether because of a past hurt or because it’s just not convenient?  Have you had a hard time taking control of your spending, Starbucks attendance, or seeking therapy in retail?  Have you noticed that your relationships are rocky, your friendships are surface-level, or your parenting could use some attention?  

Yeah? Me too.  Never has your social calendar been so free that you can focus more on your exercise routine.  Never has your insight been so clear on what flusters you the most.  Rarely is it so apparent that the world offers little and Christ is the only hope.  There are few opportunities to curb your shopping and eating out habits.  And there is no better time to commit to authenticity, break through the painful patterns, and create beautiful community.

This season brings, along with it’s pain and grief, an opportunity to hit the reset button.  It won’t be easy to align your days to how you imagined and desired them to be long ago when you chose the path that you are currently on.  Mamas, in the midst of the trials, grief, and fear, I challenge you to use this opportunity to improve in the areas you long to be stronger.

Walking the path and pressing “reset” with you,

Tiffany Raley, M.A.

Posted in comfortzone, coronavirus, emotion regulation, grief, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, social distancing

Feeling the Uncomfortable Grief

Posted on by themommytherapist

It’s late Sunday night and I am rewriting this blog for the fourth time.

I’ve been realizing today just how sad and scared and helpless I feel. I’ve been feeling frozen – sitting somewhere in the middle of the exhaustion of being stuck at home trying to work from home with my two small children, feeling envy towards my single friends who are enjoying their free time, feeling overwhelmed by the toll this virus is taking on crisis workers, and helplessness in knowing that there is so much about the future that I cannot control.

I have been frozen because I have been putting off feeling grief.

Scott Berinato, a senior editor at the Harvard Business Review, wrote an article two weeks ago entitled, “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.” In his article, Scott interviews David Kessler, “the world’s foremost expert on grief.” I won’t list all of his qualifications here, but David is definitely the guy I would want to be talking to right now about grief.

The first question Berinato asks Kessler is to clarify whether or not what we are all feeling is actually grief. Here is Kessler’s response:

“Yes, and we’re feeling a number of different griefs. We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”

“We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”  This is the strangest part of the crisis for me. I am used to seeing, talking to, and helping people in crisis all of the time. I am not a stranger to experiencing crisis myself. But this new experience in which we all feeling and experiencing crisis together is a little disorienting.

Kessler describes this kind of grief as anticipatory grief, or “that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain.”

There are certainly many uncertainties about the world now that this virus exists within it and Kessler observes: “I don’t think we’ve collectively lost our sense of general safety like this. Individually or as smaller groups, people have felt this. But all together, this is new. We are grieving on a micro and a macro level.”

On some level, I’ve known that the grief I am now allowing myself to feel has been coming since the beginning. I have seen the losses that have already been accumulating – from the loss of hugs to the loss of lives – and I know that many more are to come. But until now, I haven’t really let myself feel it. And I’m glad that I finally have.  

Kessler continues:

“There is something powerful about naming this as grief. It helps us feel what’s inside of us. So many have told me in the past week, “I’m telling my coworkers I’m having a hard time,” or “I cried last night.” When you name it, you feel it and it moves through you. Emotions need motion. It’s important we acknowledge what we go through… If we allow the feelings to happen, they’ll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we’re not victims.”

So here I am, acknowledging and naming what I am feeling it and sharing it with you. Feeling what is inside of me and hoping that it will empower both you and me to keep feeling and to keep moving forward.

Together.

With you,

Selena

To read the full article: Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That discomfort you’re feeling is grief. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief.  

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in comfortzone, coronavirus, emotion regulation, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, social distancing

The Waiting Game

Posted on by themommytherapist

The last few weeks have been filled with uncertainty, fear, restlessness, and change. COVID-19 has defined much of our everyday lives, and we are uncertain how much longer it will change our world. Over the past two weeks, we have addressed how to best parent through this pandemic and cope with emotions produced from thought patterns centering on COVID-19. Now, over two weeks into this virus drastically changing our world, how do we wait in a season of unknowns?

Unknowns

How much longer will my life be like this?

How much worse will this get?

Will this affect my family or loved ones?

When will I be able to work again?

How much longer can I afford to go without getting paid?

When will the kids go back to school?

Will the big life events we are missing take place at all?

When will I feel settled?

WHEN WILL IT ALL BE OVER?

Waiting in Uncertainty

We all want to know answers to those questions. Thinking of those questions evokes many thoughts and emotions. All those emotions are okay. What may help us wait in this uncertainty, is accepting that we do not and will not know. We may be able to breathe a little bit more if so and rest in the uncertainty.

Many of us loathe waiting in line in the grocery store or at a drive through on a normal day, so waiting it out at home is very difficult. Just in the time that I started writing this blog post until I finished, the “shelter at home” order was extended two and a half weeks. More waiting! All of this waiting can be overwhelming and lonely. How can we wait with purpose? Let’s remember this time of unimaginable waiting and not living our lives as normal is a season. Seasons change – they do not last forever. Just because we are not living normally does not mean we cannot fully live.

Choose a Word

I am working on using this season to work on some things and define this “shelter at home” with words that can help me. For those of you barely surviving to a few of you who may be thriving, I recommend this. Maybe the word is “peace, surrender, rest, mindful, or present.” With so much going on in the world and in our cities, we do not want to miss what is going on in our homes. Our kids are feeling it.

A few nights ago when I told my four year old we were having spaghetti for dinner, he told me, “Mom, the spaghetti got cancelled.” He’s heard me say school, church, a field trip, his sister’s birthday party, visiting with family and friends, and outings to the park are cancelled. His four-year-old brain has interpreted this to mean so many of the good things in his life, including spaghetti are cancelled!

I share that story to remind all of us that we want to remember our kids are adjusting too. I do not want my own stress of keeping two kids four and under while working from home to define this next month for me. I want the word(s) I choose to define this season. There is a C. S. Lewis quote that would also be good for us to remember, as our kids are home full time. “Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work.”  

Waiting with you,

Andrea

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in comfortzone, coparenting, home, motherhood, parenting, Relatinships, Uncategorized, values

What’s Love Got to Do With it?

Posted on by themommytherapist

As we approach Valentine’s Day, we are constantly inundated with everything “love” related. This world is so crazy you can get the one you love’s face on anything from socks to cakes. Why someone wants to eat their face off of food is beyond me. However, the main idea is that February 14th is a day that has become dedicated to love.

It is usually centered around romanic love, but growing up my Mom made this day about any type of love. We would enter the kitchen and our places on the table would be decorated with Valentine’s gifts. When I was without a significant other in college, my Mom still supplied me with something on that day. It made it more a reminder to appreciate those you love, than “single awareness day”.

As you consider this upcoming “holiday” recognize ways you can make it a treasured memory for more than just your spouse or current partner. Here are a few options along the lines of the “Five Love Languages” referenced in my post Your Child’s Safe Place.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

“I am so proud of you.” Those words can be a giant motivator for anyone. Especially if they are followed with reasons. It can be helpful and healing to tell someone you love, how they are killing it at work, school, life, parenting, etc. Write them a note, leave them a voicemail, or buy them a card. This can be for a specific child or a close friend. Something that marks this day that gives a pass for the mushy and cheesy.

Some people hear words and it fills up their love tank in a way that nothing else can for them. It can seem too “easy” or “empty” for those that are not impacted by words. However, for a person that is constantly being complimentary to you or encouraging you, reciprocating that affection can mean so much.

ACTS OF SERVICE

My dad likes to complain about this type being “a husband’s worst nightmare” as it is my mother’s love language. This is a typer that can have someone labeled as “high maintenance.” In actuality, it needs no more or less intentionality than the others.

This can involve making your child’s favorite breakfast to start the day or grabbing your co-worker their coffee order without them asking. A way to know that this is their way to receive love can be if they do things for you without being asked, things that make your life easier. This does require observing and understanding the small actions you can take to show your appreciation.

RECEIVING GIFTS

Our society has made this sharing of love more common. When it is someone’s birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. it is expected that you give them a gift. Some people are grateful for the present, but it does not mean as much as another way of communicating love. However, for others, this matters.

When the gift is thoughtful and shows that time was spent on its choice, it can speak loudly of love. This person may often bring you something because it made them “think of you” or they knew you were looking for it.

QUALITY TIME

This type of love language can be the easiest and most difficult at the same time. In the age of constant phone obsession, putting it down to focus on another person might be more challenging than we care to admit. However, when we give someone our undivided attention or give an activity with that person complete focus, it shows love.

Often, these people may comment on phone usage passive aggressively or are often seeking something to do together. Working on a project, even watching a movie with no distractions can help them know that matter to you. Our children are sometimes the most demanding of quality time. It can be frustrating to stop washing dishes, eating lunch in silence or reading a book to play with a doll for the millionth time. However, it is communicating that they are worth your attention.

PHYSICAL TOUCH

Caring for someone with a hug or a reassuring hand squeeze may be second nature. In some cultures physical affection is common. However, it can be uncomfortable in some situations. Making the choice to give some type of compassionate touch may communicate more than all the other ways of showing love to some individuals.

Depending on your upbringing, holding your children or giving them a squeeze goodbye may be different. However, the kids that put their arm around you or look for the hug hello, may benefit from more contact. Friends may even need more of a shoulder for comfort than an affectionate word.

We all receive love in various ways. No method is better than others and we often have more than one way that speaks to our hearts. Observe those in your life and attempt to communicate love to them in the manner they “hear” it best. Use this over-commercialized “holiday” to remind loved ones that they matter to you- using their own language.

Loving,

Allyson

These five types are identified and discovered by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can find more information on this website: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in boundaries, comfortzone, counseling, motherhood, parenting

Pushing Your Comfort Zone

Posted on by themommytherapist

There are officially 51 days until Christmas.

Our family is 100% team Buddy the Elf. We’re that family that had our Christmas tree up a week before Halloween and left our blinds open for everyone to see. Sorry we’re not sorry.

Whether you like to slow down and savor each holiday, if you’ve been singing carols since Christmas in July, or if you’re somewhere in between, the holiday season tends to look different than the rest of the year for everyone. There are more programs and parties at school, the workplace, church, etc. There are decisions to make about traditions to create, continue, or change. There are decisions to be made about budgets and who you are buying presents for and what to buy for each person. There are family members to see, not see, remember, and wonder about during a season in which it seems like everyone is spending time with their families. Some of these decisions are easy, some change each year, and some are always agonizing to make. That’s why we are going to take these next two months to write on the topic of boundaries.

Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person sets that determines reasonable ways for people to behave around us. We all tend to have our own internal gauge for boundaries; even if you cannot state what they are, chances are you know when they’ve been crossed. There are lots of different kinds of boundaries: time boundaries, emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, etc. The holiday season often brings us many opportunities to examine and adjust our boundaries, and hopefully we are able to help you with some of yours this season!

One of my favorite things about the holiday season is the weather. More specifically, I look forward to evenings that are finally cool enough to enjoy a fire outside. So as soon as a weekend of cool evenings came around in October, we went camping as a family for the first time. My husband and I both used to live and work at a Christian outdoor adventure camp (think: rock climbing, rappelling, zip lines, and backpacking), so our love of the outdoors has always been something that we have wanted to bring into our family life. In fact, we bought our first family tent whenever our first child was just a few months old. Turns out, we were a little too ambitious. It took us three years to actually pitch that tent outside for the first time. And over those three years, almost every time I would think about camping with our kids for the first time, I would almost visibly cringe.

Why did it take us so long?

Do I love the outdoors? Absolutely. Do I enjoy camping? Sure! Do I want to clean up a blow-out in an area without running water? …have two kids in diapers in a tent? …bring baby food on a camping trip? …and do all of that while sweating in the Louisiana heat the entire time?…nah, that really doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time. So it took having one kid potty trained, cool weather, and having two clean(ish) eaters before I was finally ready to have our first camping adventure.

If at this point you think I’m some wild outdoorswoman that lives and breathes for sleeping on the ground, then I have some news for you. I haven’t always love the outdoors. In fact, the first time I went tent camping was the summer after my freshman year of college. While I have developed enough comfort with the outdoors to get excited about planning a backpacking trip, my preferred state of existence (even now) involves me sitting inside on a cozy couch or armchair, curled up in a blanket, and engaging in some kind of quiet activity (which happens to be exactly what I am doing as I write this). But something about camping changes me. It took me some time to figure out why I love camping, but it has a lot to do with Senninger’s Learning Zone Model. This model suggests that all of our experiences occur in one of three different zones: the comfort zone, the learning zone, and the panic zone. Growth happens in the learning zone.

I also really like how this chart places growth on one axis and unfamiliarity on another:

My comfort zone is very clearly inside in a cozy place doing cozy things and taking daily showers. And I learned in the three years that it took us to actually go camping that taking a baby on a camping trip was very solidly in my panic zone. But something that I’ve learned about myself is that camping always brings me to my learning zone. Camping always pushes me towards some kind of growth. Camping requires me to sacrifice comfort in favor of other good things that I want to introduce into my life, like increasing my tolerance for the unknown, becoming more adaptable, and putting the needs of the group above my own individual needs. Camping in new places and in new ways requires me to learn and use new skills. Camping with my family meant releasing control of many of the routines, conveniences, and comforts that I really value as a part of my daily life, but I also slowed down and enjoyed my family in ways that our busy life at home doesn’t always allow.

During this holiday season I want to challenge you to be okay with pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone and to step into the learning zone. Look for a boundary that makes you comfortable and ask yourself if it’s time to step into the learning zone so that you can let more of something good into your life. Take small steps, especially if you haven’t stepped out of that comfort zone in a long time. Your learning zone might be very small if you’ve been comfortable for a long time, and growth doesn’t happen when you feel scared or panicked. But take that step. Come and meet me in the learning zone. Let’s keep pushing ourselves towards growth.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena