loneliness

anger, boundaries, emotion regulation, grief, home, isolation, Jealousy, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships

What Do I Say to My Kid When…..I Have Emotions

Posted on October 5, 2020October 5, 2020 by themommytherapist

We have moved recently. My husband preceded the family to our new home and I was left to manage two kids, a dog, a PUPPY (see the grimace), pack a house, transfer my clients, and say goodbye to my closest family and friends. Cue the overwhelmed, head in the pillow, scream. Handling life, especially when it is complicated (like always), can be difficult. There were moments of crying from the sheer immensity of the task ahead.

Trying to navigate the world of emotions while parenting, can cause us to either stuff feelings or lean on our children for support. Neither are healthy for them or us. It is important for children to see emotions and notice positive coping skills. They do not need to live in a “safe” world where Mom and Dad are never frustrated, sad, anxious or angry. They also do not have shoulders big enough to help carry our burdens. How can we find a balance?

COMMUNICATE IN AN AGE APPROPRIATE MANNER

It is important to be honest with our children. They see more than we would like to admit and experience the atmosphere of our homes. Our faces tell them when we are having difficulty with our day or our situation. If they ask about our tears and we insist that nothing is wrong, we not only lie to them, we invalidate emotions in general.

It is important to give age appropriate responses. This could be saying, “I am really sad and I miss my friends back home” rather than “I am lonely because I do not have friends.” The simple version does not overwhelm little ones with the big emotions and does not give them a problem they need to “fix”, i.e. no friends. As kids get older, the words can be more complex, but it is vital to keep them from feeling as though they have to change your circumstances or make your feel better. This bleeds into the next point.

MODEL APPROPRIATE COPING SKILLS

As I spilled the millionth item in my kitchen, I grunted in frustration and then took some deep breaths to avoid screaming or hitting my counter. You know who that impacted the most? My son. He was able to witness Mom using deep breathing to calm down just like she encourages him to do all the time.

It helps to call attention to the use of positive or negative coping. I admit, I yell at my kids sometimes. I hate that I do it. I do not want to do it. But it slips out. The fact that I yell is less impactful, than the fact that I apologize. I tell my kids I am sorry and I reflect on the negative coping that I utilized. This helps to normalize the mistakes of negative coping and recognize that there are better methods to dealing with emotions.

SEEK APPROPRIATE SUPPORT

It can be tempting to utilize children as emotional gas stations. We are sad and need a hug? Ask a child. We need some affirmations? Ask a child. However, that is a manipulation of the parent/child relationship. They do not exist for our emotional fulfillment. When we begin to rely on them, we fail them as parents and we cease to be a healthy place for them.

We need to have others that we can rely on. A spouse is an important confidant. However, there needs to be at least one more. When you are fighting with your spouse? You need to have some you call. Ideally, it is someone that can remain objective, someone that has no ulterior motives and someone that can help be both encourager and devil’s advocate. Someone that is trustworthy. Complaining about your spouse to the co-worker you secretly find attractive? Maybe not the best idea. Processing disagreements with a person that can provide sound counsel and keep things confidential? Much better.

It can be hard to find reciprocal relationships where support is provided. If you are in a more isolated stage and no one can be reached by phone? It is ok to use a professional. It is why mental health professionals are so helpful. Utilize someone that is trained to explore your difficult emotions, rather than using your child as that sounding board while they are still children.

Emotions are natural. Emotions are necessary. Recognizing emotions and navigating them well, is a skill that we must impart as parents. When we are struggling, it can be so difficult to parent with healthy boundaries through that process. However, being able to see a parent struggle, cope and emerge on the other side of hard things, can set a child up for not only a stronger internal identity, but ensure they experience an atmosphere of stability.

Emoting all the time,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

emotion regulation, goals, home, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcare, selfcompassion, Uncategorized, values

Mom Guilt

Posted on September 7, 2020September 7, 2020 by themommytherapist

Mom guilt is a very real phenomenon. Often, no matter the influence, no matter the intent, no matter the action, parents second guess their parenting decisions. Mom guilt can motivate us towards change, or it can be a destructive, shaming rabbit hole that leads to paralyzing self-condemnation.

These two extremes are present in our lives, but often have more subtle nuance. For example, I awoke at 3:00 AM one morning and rode the rabbit hole of destructive mom guilt for about an hour before I was able to succumb to sleep again. The concern behind this spiral? Whether my four year old was getting enough active time.

My evidence? We moved into a smaller house so he cannot run around as much inside, we haven’t been to the park very much and he’s currently not in a pre-k program to encourage activity with his peers.

The verdict? I was a horrible Mom that was not doing enough.

Terrible? Yes.

Unhelpful? Definitely.

Unreasonable? Completely.

The direction that mom guilt often projects us into, is one that is not productive for our emotional health, mental health, or parent/child relationship. Here are a few ways to battle against this minefield when it rears its ugly head. Ways to combat the worst ever game of wack-a-mole.

MEASURE AGAINST REALITY

As I wrestled with the trial of my parenting that 3:00 am had brought me, I was slow to come to my own defense. I hammered myself with the failings I supposedly contributed to, but I did not present the case that we are a newly transplanted family. I began to chronicle the various accusations and hold them up to reality.

A smaller house? Yes, but living somewhere that would provide more bearable weather to endure outside play time.

Infrequent park trips? The weather had been in the triple digits. That’s not healthy for anyone.

Not in a pre-k program? We have lived in our new town for about a month.

Being able to invite reality into our emotionally elevated headspace, can be difficult, but it is vital. We are often our own worst enemy, but doing accurate self-reflection is important. We can see ways we are not meeting our own realistic expectations and make plans to correct our behavior. It can also give us a reprieve when the spiraling mind is being irrational and intensely vindictive. I would also not recommend having those moments in the early moments of the morning. News alert: Your brain is definitely not being rational.

MEASURE WITH A FRIEND

We all need someone with which we can be vulnerable and accountable. Someone that will offer us some reality with love. This can be correction if we are not living up to the needs of our children or guiding us toward better reality testing if we have gone off the rails.

I must insist on something, this CANNOT be a social media account. Reality testing cannot be done through the highlight reel of Instagram. All parents look like rockstars if they choose to on this platform. All rooms cleaned, multiple activities for the children and they are rocking this homeschool thing. Can this be done? Maybe. Everyone has their own strengths.

These honest conversations can be held with someone that knows your strengths, can call you to be the best parent you can be and will not prompt you to do more crafts with your kids if that’s not your thing. We talk about a mom tribe, but more important than a mom tribe is that one friend that will be a taste of rational thinking when the tornado begins.

MEASURE YOUR MIND

One of our greatest weapons when dealing with errant thoughts? A similar tactic we use with toddlers. Redirection. Spiraling about how few clean clothes your family has while you are doing laundry? Put on some music. Put on a TV show. Call a friend. Derail the thought train, because there are no helpful depots along the track. Thought stopping is a great way to combat anxious rumination and depressive spiraling.

Sometimes it helps treating your mind like a tantruming child. Check for hunger, exhaustion, need for a moment alone and then find something different to focus on. It needs to be something that can consume your mind, so not necessarily only an action but also something that you enjoy. Find a way to make yourself laugh, yell at the dishes and then sing your favorite Hamilton song (“Work, work! Angelica! Work, work! Eliza! And Peggy! The Schuyler sisters!” is my go to).

The self-flagellation that often is the result of mom guilt is very unproductive. It cripples the joy that comes from parenthood and wraps every event in the “not good enough” cast-off clothes. We deserve better treatment from our minds and our children deserve better parenting motivation. You do not struggle with this beast alone. Speak up, share concerns and allow others to speak into that rabbit hole. When spoken out loud, lies often scatter like bugs exposed to sunlight. Unproductive mom guilt lingers long after the problem area has been resolved and growth has begun.

Letting in the light,

Allyson

back to school, comfortzone, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, goals, grief, home, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, summer, Uncategorized, unprepared, values

Ch-ch-changes

Posted on August 3, 2020August 2, 2020 by themommytherapist

Change is always inevitable. As the saying goes, “the only thing constant is change.” That is more true in these tumultuous times than ever. As I type this post, I sit in a home with unpacked boxes and blank walls. During the craziness of a pandemic, my family has moved across state lines. More unsettled emotions and more disruption to routine await my children.

It is important to focus on ways to support our children and give them stability amidst uncertain times. As we have previously discussed, their emotions are weaving through anxiety, grief, and confusion. The presentation of these feelings may come out sideways, but there is no question that they are struggling. School is uncertain and friendships are suffering from lack of time together. Here are a few ways to ensure our kids have what they need.

SET EXPECTATIONS EACH DAY

A way to reduce anxiety is to give the most information possible. As they wake up or join you for breakfast, remind them of everything on the agenda that day. It can include having a FaceTime date with a friend or relative, going to pick up groceries, spending time doing online school or even going on a walk. A few activities that you plan for the day or need them to accomplish, stated in a few bullet points.

This can allow them to have a method for marking the days. As days run together it can become distressing for a child that is used to lots of activity. If it is possible, plan the day with your child and allow them to insert a few items they would like to do or need to do. This can provide some feelings of control.

CREATE A SAFE SPACE

My son is a fan of enclosed spaces. Give him a tent or box and he enjoys himself. Having somewhere a child feels safe can go a long way to aiding their adjustment to change. This can be a corner of the house where they can listen to music, read or draw. Having their own space, again gives them feelings of control and a place to turn when life seems out of control.

Understanding their need for familiar things, and providing them time to seek out the comfort, you are validating their emotions and coping. It sets a healthy precedent for enduring upheaval later in life. It is also helpful to have a place of your own. Modeling healthy behavior aids in kids engaging that behavior.

SPEND INTENTIONAL TIME TOGETHER

How often this is possible, depends on your life stage. Working from home with school age children having to do distance learning? Maybe once a week. However, setting up some activity to do with your son or daughter can give them the extra attention they need. This does not need to be finishing a thousand piece puzzle and hours of work. It can be reading together, coloring together or building a blanket fort.

Kids love experiencing fun with their parents. They love finding ways to do things they know their parents are enjoying alongside them. It builds a foundation of security that lasts during times of uncertainty. Knowing that they have a way to connect with the most important people in their lives.

USE FEELING WORDS OFTEN

We spent the last two months focused on feeling words. On why they are important, how to cope and how to identify them. Revisit those if needed, its never a bad idea. Using feeling words when you are experiencing an emotion as well as identifying their emotions can give your relationships a common language.

Some examples are: “Oh, I see you are so frustrated.” “I am really angry that, that car cut me off. Please give me a minute to listen to music to calm down.” “I am a little confused about what is going on right now, it can be scary”. “It is ok to be overwhelmed with all the change.” One of the phrases I use to most is, “It is ok to cry, but not whine. It is ok to be disappointed.” All of these comments allow for emotional intelligence, modeling and beginning conversations. The more emotions are discussed, the less scary they are for little ones.

Change makes parenting difficult. It pulls and tangles our emotions and then we have to help our emotionally developing little ones navigate it as well. This season, that seems to last forever, is a tricky one. It begs for relief and we beg for stability. Let us find ways to be that stability for our children so they are able to cope effectively.

Growing through change,

Allyson

boredom, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, home, isolation, loneliness, parenting, summer

The Doldrums of Summer

Posted on June 29, 2020June 29, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I’m bored!”

Complaints of boredom almost always arise during summertime as kids adjust to idle days after months jam-packed with school, sports, and other activities. Now, as we are all moving through a summer in which our vacations, camps, and road trips have been cancelled or postponed and many of our plans changed or been put on hold, our kids are likely to encounter boredom more than ever.

It can be tempting as a parent to try to prevent boredom in our children, especially when our kids are asking us to try to solve the ‘problem’ of boredom for them. We want our kids to have access to enrichment and learning activities, to engage in team sports and learn how to play instruments. We love seeing our kids light up whenever they are being delightfully entertained and sometimes, frankly, we just need some time alone to work or rest.

However, parents should be slow to jump in and ‘fix’ boredom. There are many ways that we, as parents, can guide our children through their boredom and help them learn more about themselves while empowering them to emotionally regulate.

Try Connecting

The fact that our children usually come to us with the cries of their boredom is a clue that one of the reasons our kids get bored is because they are lonely. Sandi Mann, a senior psychology lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire in the U.K., describes boredom as a search for neural stimulation that isn’t satisfied. So much of a child’s learning comes from social interaction and our increased isolation during the time of COVID-19 has increased the potential for everyone, especially our kids, to be a little lonelier.

Try to listen to what kind of boredom your child is experiencing. If it sounds like loneliness, you might look for ways of connecting your kids to their friends more. Try a combination of ways to connect that can also ignite your child’s creativity, generosity, or kindness. Provide stationary, letters, and envelopes or help coordinate facetime phone calls between friends, even with younger children. It will still be meaningful even if the video call is short and distracted. If you have older kids, it is fine to have rules about socializing over screens that mimic your in-person rules, such as having to be in a common area while on a device and having a “curfew.”

Some children, younger kids especially, may simply need to feel your empathy and connection through their boredom. Normalize the feeling of boredom, listen to what they have to say, and help them problem solve. If you have time to play, certainly take the time to play. But connection will also happen through the simple act of taking the time to make eye contact, listen, and simply be with them. Kids rarely have “run out of things to do,” and instead just need a break to be with someone for little while.

Model Boredom

One of the most impactful ways that we can help our kids with their boredom is by engaging with our own. When we keep ourselves busy or distracted by screens, we start to lose our ability to move out of our own boredom. It is easy to drown out our boredom with podcasts, tv, and scrolling, but in the process we lose our ability to be creative in alleviating our own boredom and become dependent upon outside stimulation.

Boredom has been found to be a fount of both creativity and emotional processing. Dr. Mann states that, “Once you start daydreaming and allow your mind to really wander, you start thinking a little bit beyond the conscious, a little bit into the subconscious, which allows sort of different connections to take place. It’s really awesome, actually.”

When you are bored, your brain begins to do amazing things. It is the space in which your brain sets goals, assigns meaning to your past, and processes emotions. It is also the space in which we dream up new solutions to our problems. It is really tempting in this season of boredom, burnout, and uncertainty to want to check out at the end of the day (or even mid-day) and just numb out with some Netflix. But just like our other emotions, boredom communicates something important to us. If boredom is the unmet need for stimulation, then boredom, like hunger, is simply trying to get us to pay more attention to what we really need.

Just like with our kids, boredom can be delayed by constant entertainment, but that will just make creating stimulation for ourselves so much harder. We can model good mental fitness by allowing ourselves to get bored during the day. This can look like engaging in menial activity, practicing mindfulness, sitting and thinking, or even just putting away our screens.

Provide a Space for Exploring Boredom

Personally, the hardest part of allowing my kids to be bored is letting go of control. Younger kids learn better through concrete experiences so while a teen may find themselves lounging under a tree and getting lost in their thoughts during productive boredom, toddlers and preschoolers tend to be a little, erm, *messier.*

Create space, perhaps both inside and out, in which your kids can explore. Set up a drawing station or pull out some play dough. Dedicate a section of your backyard to dirty and messy play. Have a cache of puzzles, books, or other engaging activities on hand. Set a time everyday during which everyone has alone time in a space made special for them. When we give kids ways to constructively work through and process their emotions, including boredom, they are more likely to grow into adults with healthy emotional regulation.

Many of us are still finding ourselves in survival mode this summer, but boredom is one thing that we don’t need to run from. Let’s all lean a little harder into boredom and see what amazing things happen.

Being bored and brilliant with you,

Selena

Ducharme, J. (2019, Jaunary 4). Being bored can be good for you—if you do it right. here’s how. Time. https://time.com/5480002/benefits-of-boredom/

Kovelle, K. (2020, March 25). Boredom is OK! Here are 13 ways to help your kids embrace it. Metro Parent for Southeast Michigan. https://www.metroparent.com/daily/parenting/parenting-issues-tips/boredom-is-ok-for-kids/

Zomorodi, M. (2017, April). How boredom can lead to your most brilliant ideas [Video file]. Retireved from https://www.ted.com/talks/manoush_zomorodi_how_boredom_can_lead_to_your_most_brilliant_ideas?language=en

anger, comfortzone, coronavirus, emotion regulation, home, isolation, loneliness, parenting, social distancing

Resisting Rage

Posted on April 27, 2020April 26, 2020 by themommytherapist

Rage is a strong word, maybe way too strong or right on to what you have been feeling as you parent almost 24/7 in your home during this “stay at home” order. When I teach children about anger in my office, we usually discuss various levels of anger. I use a thermometer image and we point out where the levels of anger fall on the thermometer such as annoyed, frustrated, angry, furious, and enraged. Something I find myself saying to my clients and at home is the following (I cannot take credit for the quote), “It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to be mean.”

Most of us have felt levels of anger due to the numerous pressures and stressors of staying at home. If you have not felt rage, maybe you have been furious and screamed at your kids. Maybe you did not even know you could feel such anger. If you are extrovert, you need more people, and it is hard to cope. If you are an introvert, you need actual alone time, not alone time with all of your family members present, and it is hard to cope. The goal of this blog post is to give you some ideas of how to help yourself work through your anger so you are not mean to your children nor left with feelings of guilt or shame due to how you parent during the rest of this time at home.

REMEMBER

My husband and I watched the Mr. Rogers movie, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, last month. If you have not seen it, I would recommend it! The part of the movie that stuck out to me the most, and I am roughly summarizing, is when Mr. Rogers spoke about adults remembering what it was like to be a child. Think about how you wanted to be treated by the adults in your life as a child. We often get too caught up in our role as the parent and wanting behavior change and total obedience from our children. I am not an advocate for permissive parenting, but I am an advocate for treating children with kindness, encouragement, and respect. You remember how you were treated as a child just as your children will. Remember that their brains are continuing to develop, they are going through immense change as we are in a pandemic, and the way they process things will likely be messy.

INTENTIONALITY INSTEAD OF AUTOPILOT

I just wish it were as easy as remembering what it was like to be a child and putting your wishes into action. The problem we often run into is that we parent on “autopilot.” This concept of parenting on “autopilot” and three questions of thinking through why a child acted the way he/she did, what you want to teach the child in the moment, and how can you teach the lesson comes from the book No-Drama Discipline by Siegel and Bryson. It’s really good! Days are running together, and it may feel as you are going through the motions due to burnout or exhaustion. Consider this time to polish your parenting skills as you seek to really see your child, understand him/her, and parent to teach them, not simply stop a behavior.

GET PRACTICAL

Lowering your expectations of what you can accomplish in a day during this time may be very valuable to some of you during this time. I love checking off a “to do” list, and I am accepting the fact that my to do list will not get done right now. Remember that your child is not the enemy even though some days it may seem like it. If you feel yourself starting to spiral or about to lose control of your emotions, leave the room (if your child is old enough to be left alone) and regroup. Adults need time outs more than children. If anything can be added to your week to release endorphins such as a phone call with a friend, exercise, reading, sitting outside, art, a devotion, do it and release some stress!

Many of you are frustrated and angry, some of you may rage. I write this post to provide encouragement in knowing you are not alone in feeling this way. I want to remind you that the “stay at home” order is a season. It has an end. If you are not proud of the way you have started, you can be proud of the way you finish. As a therapist, I am continually looking out for children’s safety. The New York Times recently wrote an article that this pandemic could cause a child abuse epidemic. None of us want this.

If you are feeling out of control, please reach out to a therapist and supports for help. By reading this article, you are a parent who is seeking to better yourself and your parenting. Tomorrow is a new day, and you can choose resisting rage and not acting in anger moment by moment.

Finally, here is a proverb that has helped me and produces positive results in my household. I hope it helps ground you as well. Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Moment by moment,

Andrea

Sources:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline. New York: Bantam Books.

Agrawal, N. (2020). The Coronavirus Could Cause a Child Abuse Epidemic. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/07/opinion/coronavirus-child-abuse.html

comfortzone, coronavirus, emotion regulation, grief, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, social distancing

Feeling the Uncomfortable Grief

Posted on April 6, 2020April 5, 2020 by themommytherapist

It’s late Sunday night and I am rewriting this blog for the fourth time.

I’ve been realizing today just how sad and scared and helpless I feel. I’ve been feeling frozen – sitting somewhere in the middle of the exhaustion of being stuck at home trying to work from home with my two small children, feeling envy towards my single friends who are enjoying their free time, feeling overwhelmed by the toll this virus is taking on crisis workers, and helplessness in knowing that there is so much about the future that I cannot control.

I have been frozen because I have been putting off feeling grief.

Scott Berinato, a senior editor at the Harvard Business Review, wrote an article two weeks ago entitled, “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.” In his article, Scott interviews David Kessler, “the world’s foremost expert on grief.” I won’t list all of his qualifications here, but David is definitely the guy I would want to be talking to right now about grief.

The first question Berinato asks Kessler is to clarify whether or not what we are all feeling is actually grief. Here is Kessler’s response:

“Yes, and we’re feeling a number of different griefs. We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”

“We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.” This is the strangest part of the crisis for me. I am used to seeing, talking to, and helping people in crisis all of the time. I am not a stranger to experiencing crisis myself. But this new experience in which we all feeling and experiencing crisis together is a little disorienting.

Kessler describes this kind of grief as anticipatory grief, or “that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain.”

There are certainly many uncertainties about the world now that this virus exists within it and Kessler observes: “I don’t think we’ve collectively lost our sense of general safety like this. Individually or as smaller groups, people have felt this. But all together, this is new. We are grieving on a micro and a macro level.”

On some level, I’ve known that the grief I am now allowing myself to feel has been coming since the beginning. I have seen the losses that have already been accumulating – from the loss of hugs to the loss of lives – and I know that many more are to come. But until now, I haven’t really let myself feel it. And I’m glad that I finally have.

Kessler continues:

“There is something powerful about naming this as grief. It helps us feel what’s inside of us. So many have told me in the past week, “I’m telling my coworkers I’m having a hard time,” or “I cried last night.” When you name it, you feel it and it moves through you. Emotions need motion. It’s important we acknowledge what we go through… If we allow the feelings to happen, they’ll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we’re not victims.”

So here I am, acknowledging and naming what I am feeling it and sharing it with you. Feeling what is inside of me and hoping that it will empower both you and me to keep feeling and to keep moving forward.

Together.

With you,

Selena

To read the full article: Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That discomfort you’re feeling is grief. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief.

comfortzone, coronavirus, emotion regulation, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, social distancing

The Waiting Game

Posted on March 30, 2020March 31, 2020 by themommytherapist

The last few weeks have been filled with uncertainty, fear, restlessness, and change. COVID-19 has defined much of our everyday lives, and we are uncertain how much longer it will change our world. Over the past two weeks, we have addressed how to best parent through this pandemic and cope with emotions produced from thought patterns centering on COVID-19. Now, over two weeks into this virus drastically changing our world, how do we wait in a season of unknowns?

Unknowns

How much longer will my life be like this?

How much worse will this get?

Will this affect my family or loved ones?

When will I be able to work again?

How much longer can I afford to go without getting paid?

When will the kids go back to school?

Will the big life events we are missing take place at all?

When will I feel settled?

WHEN WILL IT ALL BE OVER?

Waiting in Uncertainty

We all want to know answers to those questions. Thinking of those questions evokes many thoughts and emotions. All those emotions are okay. What may help us wait in this uncertainty, is accepting that we do not and will not know. We may be able to breathe a little bit more if so and rest in the uncertainty.

Many of us loathe waiting in line in the grocery store or at a drive through on a normal day, so waiting it out at home is very difficult. Just in the time that I started writing this blog post until I finished, the “shelter at home” order was extended two and a half weeks. More waiting! All of this waiting can be overwhelming and lonely. How can we wait with purpose? Let’s remember this time of unimaginable waiting and not living our lives as normal is a season. Seasons change – they do not last forever. Just because we are not living normally does not mean we cannot fully live.

Choose a Word

I am working on using this season to work on some things and define this “shelter at home” with words that can help me. For those of you barely surviving to a few of you who may be thriving, I recommend this. Maybe the word is “peace, surrender, rest, mindful, or present.” With so much going on in the world and in our cities, we do not want to miss what is going on in our homes. Our kids are feeling it.

A few nights ago when I told my four year old we were having spaghetti for dinner, he told me, “Mom, the spaghetti got cancelled.” He’s heard me say school, church, a field trip, his sister’s birthday party, visiting with family and friends, and outings to the park are cancelled. His four-year-old brain has interpreted this to mean so many of the good things in his life, including spaghetti are cancelled!

I share that story to remind all of us that we want to remember our kids are adjusting too. I do not want my own stress of keeping two kids four and under while working from home to define this next month for me. I want the word(s) I choose to define this season. There is a C. S. Lewis quote that would also be good for us to remember, as our kids are home full time. “Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work.”

Waiting with you,

Andrea

isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting

Those What Ifs and Should Haves

Posted on July 22, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

Maybe you can pinpoint the reason you are disconnected from others, but what about those pesky thoughts that perpetuate you staying disconnected and on an island away from people? We want connection. We want to belong. Most of us want to do life with others. However, our internal voice often stops us.

The great news is that our brains are moldable and can be retrained to improve our inner voice, that constant self-talk. If we can improve our self-talk, we can also enhance our connection with others and feel less isolated.

The What Ifs

Ever psyched yourself up for an outing, event, or social gathering only to talk yourself out of it with a “what if” statement like one of these?

What if my toddler throws one of his famous tantrums that turns heads?

What if my nine year old can’t control his hyperactivity and they judge my parenting?

What if they’ve heard about the recent choices my teenager made?

What if I just don’t fit in with this group of women?

Those “what if “ statements are really good at keeping us in the dark and prohibit us from doing things that will help us connect. Can you hear the anxiety in the “what ifs”? I often remind clients and myself that most of our “what if” thoughts do not come true.

If one or two of them does prove true, we will survive it. I often ask clients, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” and ask you the same question. When we frame it that way it does not seem as scary. If you are sure one of your “what ifs” will come true, like your child being defiant or having a rough moment, prepare yourself for it and have a plan. In spite of the “what ifs” swirling in your head, go to the play date, meet up with moms for coffee, or attend the event. You will likely find that you have a much better time than you thought.

When we recognize our “what ifs”, we also have the power to stop living in the “what ifs.” One of my favorite quotes is from Corrie ten Boom. “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” Take it from someone who knew suffering and may have felt isolated during her immense hardships. Don’t let those “what ifs” steal the strength you have today.

The Should Haves

Ever talked yourself out of going to another event or staying connected with a group of people because of the “should have” thoughts that followed afterwards?

I should have kept quiet when they discussed that controversial topic.

I should have been less vulnerable and kept my conversation on a surface level.

I should have worn something else.

I should have used a different parenting approach in front of them.

Can you hear the anxiety, self-defeat, and even shame in those “should have” statements? In cognitive behavioral therapy, we call “should statements” a cognitive distortion. This means it is an unhealthy pattern of thinking sure to produce negative emotional results.

If you got out of your house and connected with people, you succeeded. You did something healthy and maybe it was vulnerable, so don’t let the “should have” statements rob your joy. Brene’ Brown reminds us, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” If a moment is awkward or you could have done something differently, take note and move on. Replaying it in your mind a hundred times probably won’t make you feel better. Retreating and not engaging because of a perceived negative moment will not produce healing either, only more hurt.

Encouragement for Introverts

As an introvert, I understand thinking about connecting, doing something social, or even sometimes picking up the phone to call and check on a friend out of state feels like too much after you’ve been interacting with your family or people at work all day. You need to be alone to recharge, and that’s okay. Consider setting a weekly or biweekly goal for connecting with others. If you don’t have a group or people you consider “your people,” start working to build one with a couple of people you trust or can learn to trust. When I became pregnant with my first child, I did not have a network of close mom friends who lived near me. My close friends were in different seasons of life or located hundreds of miles away. I had to seek out new people, connect with others, and build friendships. I am so glad I did the legwork to build friendships with other moms who have children similar in age as mine. These women have been such blessings in my life. When you start milling through the “what ifs” in your mind, remember connecting and meaningful relationships are worth it.

Charge to Extroverts

How great is it that you get your energy from being around others! Your love for people and energy can be magnetic. Continue to be mindful not to let those “what ifs” and “should haves” get you down. Your energy is needed. I would encourage you to invite others in, especially those who you know might reach out on their own. Be an includer; no one wants to be on the outside. If you are an extrovert who finds yourself in a season of loneliness or isolation, I would encourage to reach out and make the connection with a trusted friend. You will likely be glad that you did!

Final Thought

I encourage you, introvert or extrovert, outgoing or shy, to make one stride against isolation and towards connection this week. Call that friend out of town. Invite someone over. Arrange a play date for your kids so you can spend time with another mom. Attend something social. Check on a friend who you know has had a hard time.

When those pesky “what ifs” or “should haves” come to mind, picture a red stop sign in your brain, stop the thought, and show up anyway. The more you do this, the less consuming those thoughts will become.

Blessings,

Andrea

counseling, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, summer

Uprooting Isolation

Posted on July 15, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

Isolation. The feeling of being separated from others. Have you ever stood in a room, completely surrounded, but aching with loneliness, discomfort, and an intense desire to connect? I have. And I think it is prevalent for moms, even in the moments that you have escaped from “nap jail” as a dear neighbor humorously commented to me. Sometimes it is so difficult to connect – to know and be known by others. Maybe it’s the fear of being judged for our frazzled mom appearance or our parenting habits. Maybe it’s because we are just out of the loop and don’t know where to begin conversation. Maybe it’s because we have spent all of our “energy bucks” on our family and can barely muster concern for the intricacies happening in the lives of others. Whatever the cause, we must deal with the internal root of isolation.

Isolation is a nasty weed that can grow from various root systems. Recently we had a plant that we just could not get rid of in our back yard. I cut it down… numerous times. I poisoned it… numerous times. And I complained about it a whole lot. But the green bushy plant kept coming back. It was relentless. Nothing worked to get rid of this plant until we finally dug it up by the root. I find isolation is very similar to this plant. It digs deep. And we can deal with all the impacts that grow above the surface, cutting it back every few months. But until we address the root, isolation will return. I have found that isolation, when present in my life, has a much deeper and widespread root system than what one might think. When I feel lonely and the deep, aching longing to know and to be known, I can usually- if I have the insight and discipline to stop and reflect- identify a few of the roots that are contributing to the isolation. Here are just a few I’ve noticed in my life.

1. Unresolved Hurt: Whether in friendships, community groups, marriages, or work relationships, stuffing emotions and avoiding real conversations about valid hurts affirm the harmful message within that connection is dangerous and not worth the risk and effort. You teach to yourself the false message that you are not worthy of love and belonging. Full disclosure, this is a tough area for me. It’s a vulnerable experience to give someone your heart and share how they hurt you (see below for my distaste for vulnerability). Fearful of rejection, denial of harm, or being exposed for our own flaws, us mamas aren’t so great at confronting hurts in a gentle, respectful way. Our kiddos must see this modeled and must learn how to navigate conflict when relational roads get bumpy.

2. Insecurity and Unwillingness to be Vulnerable With Others: In his book Caring for One Another, Ed Welch says, “Our pride resists being vulnerable. Even more, if you have ever confided in someone and received comments that were hurtful or less than supportive, you might have decided on the spot never to let that happen again, which means that you keep your troubles to yourself.” Our unresolved hurt and insecurities create a wall of self-protection and we begin resisting the risks of being vulnerable. It’s so hard to be vulnerable, to let others know you. But friend, let me urge you, cannot know unless you are known. Yes, vulnerability will inevitably allow others to get close enough to hurt you. But it will also let the sweetness of companionship, support, and belonging to be known by you.

3. Unhealthy Standards and Expectations: The final part to the root of isolation that has taken up residence in the yard of my life (cue the uncomfortable vulnerability) has been unrealistic expectations and idealistic dreams of what friendships should look like. Only when I have abandoned the thoughts that all my friends should parent like me, live lifestyles like me, find the same humor funny, and spend money like me have I been able to enjoy the sweetness of friendship. When I let that idealized picture of friendship go, I’m free to truly enjoy my friends’ differences, have meaningful conversations, and reciprocate vulnerability. Friend, if we are unwilling to be authentic and vulnerable, we cannot expect others to be authentic and vulnerable with us. Let people in, whether that be into the messiness of your heart or the messiness of your house. Welcome people in to the mess of life and ask, “Will you sit with me here for a while?”

To be sure, you may find the root system of your isolation to be comprised of other factors: a move away from your family and support system, loss of a loved one, or circumstances outside of your control. If you find yourself in this predicament, let me encourage you, there is healing in connection. It takes bravery, energy, and planning. But you are worthy of love and belonging. Ask someone for help to dig that root up, and rid the isolation that is persistent in your life. With equal importance, when you pass someone else’s yard of life and see the isolation growing out of control, offer to help dig it up. The root of isolation, by its very nature, cannot be dug up alone. I recently had a sweet friend of mine say to me, “Don’t let me isolate myself.” We tend to do that, don’t we? Don’t worry Mama, I’ve got my shovel.

A few reflection questions for you to assist in digging up your root system of isolation:

How have you found yourself responding when hurt by others? Do you move near to talk it out? Or are you more likely to withdraw to avoid being hurt?

What are the insecurities that keep you from being authentic and vulnerable with others? Who is a safe person you can be vulnerable with this week?

What are the judgements you pass on other friends? How might you let that go so you can enjoy their differences and sweet fellowship with them?

In the mess with you,

Tiffany Raley

isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting

Standing Strong…alone

Posted on July 8, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

When I first became a parent, no one warned me about isolation. It snuck up on me unexpectedly in those first weeks of motherhood when I was up at 3:00 am feeding my newborn. Sitting there in the darkness, I felt like the only other person awake in the world. But in those same quiet early morning hours, I started connecting with other moms who were up at odd hours too. They too were awake feeding newborns, or comforting sick kids, or just patiently waiting out another night filled with the struggles of insomnia. I had found a new community and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone.

In each season of parenthood, isolation – or at least the risk of isolation – has followed. And in each season the ways that I have received and responded to the isolation have changed as well. What has stayed constant is the fact that finding and staying connected to my “people” is something I’m never able to take for granted. While, in general, it is always the best practice to attempt to connect and build community whenever possible, sometimes isolation cannot and shouldn’t be avoided, even if it’s just for a time.

FOR SOME, ISOLATION IS UNAVOIDABLE. For mothers who have just moved to a new state or who are struggling with anxiety or depression. For mothers of children who have medical or behavioral conditions that make parenting a 24/7 task or make it difficult to go anywhere but home or the hospital. For the working mother who feels too thinly stretched to build community when she already feels like she is giving too little to both work and home.

FOR OTHERS, ISOLATION IS THE BEST OPTION – AT LEAST FOR A TIME. For the introverted mother who knows she needs to save her emotional energy for her family. For the mother who lives in a community that does not feel safe or supportive for her or for her children.

AND SOMETIMES, ISOLATION IS INEVITABLE AS RHYTHMS AND ROUTINES CHANGE. It takes time to learn how to reconnect again and again as life, children, routines, and our desires change.

If you have found yourself isolated from community in this season, you are still not alone. It happens to almost every parent at some point along the way. Whatever the reason and however long the season, isolation can be a unique space to explore and grow in ways that can be more difficult when we are surrounded by community.

PRACTICE STILLNESS

While parenting in general is a busy business, some moms find it difficult to slow down at all. If you find yourself being driven by perfection, use the still moments in a season of isolation for practicing stillness. This can look like practicing deep breathing or even just accepting the mess your children make as you sit and eat or do crafts with them. Being still can help balance your perspective and help you see what is already good, even if it is imperfect.

DO SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU

As parents, it can hard sometimes to feel valued beyond the things that we do. If you find yourself questioning what value you have beyond being the cook/chauffeur/shopper/maid/planner, then in times when you find yourself isolated it may be time to ask yourself what you need. Show yourself that you are worthy outside of what you do for others by taking some time to give to yourself. Put your favorite meal on the week’s menu or put something in your home just because you think it is beautiful. Finding ways to practice giving to yourself can help safeguard you from losing yourself in the role of motherhood.

MARK THE MILESTONES YOU HAVE ALREADY CROSSED

Take the time to mark and reflect on all that you already done. Parenting is a relentless to do list and the measuring stick we (and other people) use to measure our success is constantly growing, shifting, and becoming more and more complicated. If you find it difficult to step outside of the expectations of others or chasing success, then it might be helpful to use isolation as a time to reflect on what you have already accomplished. Use the space of isolation to remind yourself of how valuable you already are.

CREATE NEW RHYTHMS OF DISCIPLINE

Sometimes when we are disconnected from community it can be easier to fall into habits of self-indulgence. If you find that it can be difficult to stabilize your emotions when you are in seasons of isolation, creating habits of self-discipline can help to ground and refocus you. Practice having a bedtime, develop an exercise routine, or start using a planner/calendar. Choose something that feels both doable and stabilizing.

BUILD YOUR CASTLE

There are things as parents that we all want to keep away from our kids and families, especially when it comes to the values and beliefs that you are trying to instill into your children. Use the times when you find yourself isolated to emphasize those values and beliefs. Create the culture in your home that you want your children to be a part of inside of your home.

BE FULLY PRESENT

Oftentimes we get so wrapped up in what comes next that we start to lose sight of what is in front of us. If you find it hard to be present and find yourself constantly planning the next outing or social event, it might be helpful to slow down and practice being fully present. Notice everything. Take mental pictures. Try to be completely in the moment right in front of you, not three steps ahead.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND UNPLUG

Sometimes it can feel easy to lose ourselves when we are always around or talking to other people. Use the space of isolation to take off the “shoulds” you have been carrying around like ‘you should really do this more…’ or ‘you really know you shouldn’t…” Instead, take the opportunity to listen to what you really want and who you want to be as a parent. It can be easy to try to fit into the mold someone else has created, but take the time to ask yourself if you believe or are doing something because it’s what you want or if it’s because someone else told you it was a good idea.

Do not let isolation swallow you up with its darkness. Instead, strive to be your own light in the dark spaces. The paths towards change, growth, and joy all begin exactly where you are at right now and they only take the smallest steps to get closer and closer.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena