summer

back to school, comfortzone, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, goals, grief, home, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, summer, Uncategorized, unprepared, values

Ch-ch-changes

Posted on August 3, 2020August 2, 2020 by themommytherapist

Change is always inevitable. As the saying goes, “the only thing constant is change.” That is more true in these tumultuous times than ever. As I type this post, I sit in a home with unpacked boxes and blank walls. During the craziness of a pandemic, my family has moved across state lines. More unsettled emotions and more disruption to routine await my children.

It is important to focus on ways to support our children and give them stability amidst uncertain times. As we have previously discussed, their emotions are weaving through anxiety, grief, and confusion. The presentation of these feelings may come out sideways, but there is no question that they are struggling. School is uncertain and friendships are suffering from lack of time together. Here are a few ways to ensure our kids have what they need.

SET EXPECTATIONS EACH DAY

A way to reduce anxiety is to give the most information possible. As they wake up or join you for breakfast, remind them of everything on the agenda that day. It can include having a FaceTime date with a friend or relative, going to pick up groceries, spending time doing online school or even going on a walk. A few activities that you plan for the day or need them to accomplish, stated in a few bullet points.

This can allow them to have a method for marking the days. As days run together it can become distressing for a child that is used to lots of activity. If it is possible, plan the day with your child and allow them to insert a few items they would like to do or need to do. This can provide some feelings of control.

CREATE A SAFE SPACE

My son is a fan of enclosed spaces. Give him a tent or box and he enjoys himself. Having somewhere a child feels safe can go a long way to aiding their adjustment to change. This can be a corner of the house where they can listen to music, read or draw. Having their own space, again gives them feelings of control and a place to turn when life seems out of control.

Understanding their need for familiar things, and providing them time to seek out the comfort, you are validating their emotions and coping. It sets a healthy precedent for enduring upheaval later in life. It is also helpful to have a place of your own. Modeling healthy behavior aids in kids engaging that behavior.

SPEND INTENTIONAL TIME TOGETHER

How often this is possible, depends on your life stage. Working from home with school age children having to do distance learning? Maybe once a week. However, setting up some activity to do with your son or daughter can give them the extra attention they need. This does not need to be finishing a thousand piece puzzle and hours of work. It can be reading together, coloring together or building a blanket fort.

Kids love experiencing fun with their parents. They love finding ways to do things they know their parents are enjoying alongside them. It builds a foundation of security that lasts during times of uncertainty. Knowing that they have a way to connect with the most important people in their lives.

USE FEELING WORDS OFTEN

We spent the last two months focused on feeling words. On why they are important, how to cope and how to identify them. Revisit those if needed, its never a bad idea. Using feeling words when you are experiencing an emotion as well as identifying their emotions can give your relationships a common language.

Some examples are: “Oh, I see you are so frustrated.” “I am really angry that, that car cut me off. Please give me a minute to listen to music to calm down.” “I am a little confused about what is going on right now, it can be scary”. “It is ok to be overwhelmed with all the change.” One of the phrases I use to most is, “It is ok to cry, but not whine. It is ok to be disappointed.” All of these comments allow for emotional intelligence, modeling and beginning conversations. The more emotions are discussed, the less scary they are for little ones.

Change makes parenting difficult. It pulls and tangles our emotions and then we have to help our emotionally developing little ones navigate it as well. This season, that seems to last forever, is a tricky one. It begs for relief and we beg for stability. Let us find ways to be that stability for our children so they are able to cope effectively.

Growing through change,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

back to school, emotion regulation, social distancing, summer, unprepared

Is My Child Ready?

Posted on July 13, 2020July 13, 2020 by themommytherapist

This summer, we are exploring the many emotions experienced by ourselves and our children on a daily basis. Take a look at our previous blog posts on empathy, jealousy, boredom, and disappointment. This week a guest blogger and kindergarten teacher, Alison Crubaugh, has an encouraging word and practical tips for parents as many of us battle feeling unprepared entering into a school year with many unanswered questions.

As a Kindergarten teacher, every spring I have families ask if their child is ready for 1st Grade. There is a natural concern and desire for parents to want their children to be prepared for the next grade. In light of brick and mortar schools closing and parents (and teachers) being thrown into a world of virtual learning, I have seen that concern from parents increase. Be assured the teachers and staff are anticipating a new beginning to the school year. Elementary teachers are aware that more students than in previous years may struggle to say “goodbye” to their parents those first few weeks of school. Our approach to beginning the school year will reflect this change. Older grades are also anticipating students who, under normal circumstances, may have no problems saying “goodbye”, experiencing anxiety or fear at the start of this year. As teachers prepare for this fall, the emotional needs of our students will be at the forefront. This will be a transition back to school that is unprecedented. Your child’s emotional needs should also be at the forefront of your mind as well. The academics will come. As teachers, we anticipate students who have not mastered all the previous grade level material. We are aware some content areas were never taught in a traditional sense. It is okay. We are preparing and adjusting to fill in those gaps. Don’t spend this summer worrying about if your child is prepared for the next grade academically. They are prepared. It might look different than previous years, but they are ready for the next grade. To help your child be prepared academically, the best thing, the most important thing, you can do this summer is read. Read to your child and with your child. Have your child read independently. If your child is not yet reading, they are still a reader. Read together through storytelling, read the pictures by labeling what you see, study the pictures in nonfiction books to discover something new. Read daily and your child will be ready for the next school year. Spend time this summer, especially the weeks leading up to the return to school, exploring the emotions of returning to school. Don’t start the night before school starts. This is a big transition as many students have been away from school for five or six months. Here are some ideas to help you and your child prepare for the return to school.

Create a social story to read the weeks leading up to the return to school – Include how your child will get to school, things they will do at school, and how they will get home, reassuring them they will see you at the end.
Visit the school – you will probably not be allowed inside but you can help your child be familiar with the outside/location. For older elementary students, talk about the areas of the school. Do they have a special wing for each grade level? Where is the art room or gym in the school? Help them to realize they are more familiar with the school than their emotions may be telling them.
Create a goodby routine – For example, hug, kiss, I love you and then mom/dad leaves. Keep it short and sweet. As a teacher, I see how dragging out the goodbyes makes it more difficult for the child. I understand it is difficult to leave your child in tears, but staying an additional 5, 10, or 15 minutes will not calm your child, it will only build up the inevitable of you leaving. Teachers and pupil services will be on hand to help your child regulate their emotions. But to do that, the parents must leave. Discuss this routine with your older children, too. They might surprise you and want a hug goodbye to start the year. Maybe they want the hug and kiss at home before you drive them to school. Talk it through with them.
Create a morning routine – For some children a visual schedule can be extremely helpful. Have pictures showing the steps for how they will get ready in the morning.
Role play – Practice what the morning routine will be and how/where you will say goodbye. You could also role play asking a friend to join in a game or how to ask to join others in an activity.
Talk about their feelings – If your child has been in school before there will be excitement but also apprehension about the change. Emotions can coincide together, and that’s healthy. Encourage your child to talk through the different feelings towards returning to school.
Understand it will take time to transition smoothly back to school.
As a parent stay calm, but don’t pretend – Your child will read your anxiety. If you are anxious about the return to school, they will be too. Do your research to calm your own anxiety. Find out what steps your school is taking to keep your child safe. Most school districts have a school or district wide nurse. They are hard at work this summer working with the school and state to make sure students are returning to safe environments.
Be patient with teachers/administrators – We don’t have all the answers, especially in this situation. This is uncharted territory for staff as well. Ask questions, reach out to your child’s teacher, but understand they might not have the answers either, and that’s okay.
Don’t make promises to your child about what they will and won’t be able to do at school. Special classes, lunch, recess, and classroom set up may all be very different. Many administrators don’t know what the fall will look like. This school year will be different. To what degree depends on your State, County, and/or school district guidelines, which no one can predict.

I hope these wise and timely words from Alison leave you feeling prepared to navigate the waters ahead. At the end of the day, remember to extend grace to yourself, your child, and your school’s teachers/administrators. We are all in this together, and we all want the best, safest environment for our children.

Tiffany Raley, M.A.

anger, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, grief, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcompassion, social distancing, summer, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry, but We Can’t: Navigating Disappointment

Posted on July 6, 2020July 5, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I know you wanted to do ________, but we can’t right now.” Sound familiar? I’m sure you’ve said it to your kids many, many times since March. If you’re anything like me, you’ve said it to yourself many times as well. My latest submersion in the pool of disappointment was Saturday. After coming in contact with someone that tested positive for COVID-19, my family went from limiting people interaction, to eliminating the interactions.

Celebrating a holiday in a more subdued manner is so sad. I love to celebrate and have a reason to do fun things that make a day special and different than an ordinary day. I decided, even if the day couldn’t be the hanging out at the pool and jumping into a large crowd to watch fireworks, at least I would treat myself to a milkshake. Of course, the shake machine was down at Sonic! I mean, come on! Disappointment radiated through my fourth of July.

As this pandemic continues, everyone is a little too acquainted with disappointment. How do we cope with this disappointment, and how do we help our kids navigate this emotion? It is especially difficult when you are disappointed for them. Your child was supposed to graduate, visit a theme park for the first time, have a birthday party, see the beach, or merely finish out the school year with their friends. Our hearts hurt when our children do not get to have the childhood we dream for them. Our hearts hurt even more when they express disappointment and we cannot change the circumstances. Here are a few points to consider:

RECOGNIZE DISAPPOINTMENT AS A PRIMARY EMOTION

When people, especially kids, experience disappointment, they often express it through anger. After all, it is more socially acceptable, and seen less as weakness, to explode in anger rather than dissolve into tears. When a child isn’t able to do something they prefer and they throw a tantrum, recognize the primary emotion.

Call attention to their feeling of disappointment, validate their sadness and their original desire. Recognize their anger as a protective reaction to a hope that went unfulfilled. We can all relate. Even small disappointments seem monumental to a child, even a teenager.

Those without their frontal lobe fully developed (anyone under 25) have some trouble regulating their impulses. They forget to utilize coping skills, and often do not want to regulate their emotions. When a feeling is validated and empathized with, the intensity often dissipates. Sometimes it is tempting to belittle the experience, or tell a child that they are over reacting. This moves us to the next point:

VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE

Just because you cannot understand the intensity does not mean it is an overreaction. They may not respond in a respectful manner, and that can be given consequences. However, the intensity they feel is partially due to age. Disappointment is new to them. In some ways, that is a positive reality. Some young people become desensitized to disappointment because it is their constant reality.

Being able to experience disappointment, means you allowed yourself to dream. Recognize the hopes, expectations and dreams that must have been held before the disappointment. Validate the emotion, discuss what was expected or hoped for and give them room to feel. This is a great way to model empathy. The same needs to be done for you as well. Acknowledge and feel your disappointment. Validate your own emotions and seek out those empathetic friends that will validate them as well.

Crying over disappointment can seem immature or being “overly sensitive.” But experiencing that depth of emotion can merely mean that you give yourself freedom to hope and plan and dream – something that adults often do not allow themselves to do. Teach your kids that having that freedom to experience disappointment is okay and actually a mark of healthy emotional expression.

MODEL AND TEACH HEALTHY COPING

When you give yourself permission to experience disappointment, you give your children an example of healthy emotional regulation. But you also give them a front row seat to witness healthy coping. If you had great hopes for a birthday and it does not happen, it is okay to express the disappointment. This may include a few tears, or just a glum expression. When they ask for an explanation, tell them how you feel. However, it is key not to stay there.

Feeling emotions are crucial for a healthy emotional life, but so is coping. We would not allow a teenager to mope for an entire weekend over a cancelled date, so neither can we. Express the emotion, process the emotion and cope with the emotion. This can be putting on some music, choosing a different task or merely engaging in some physical activity.

Some people cope best by processing the emotion with a safe person and as a result they are able to continue on with their day. Others people struggle to move past the emotion. That is where the distraction technique we utilize with toddlers can come into play. Distract yourself with something this is possible and will make your heart a little lighter. You favorite song, facetiming with a friend, listening to a comedian, watching a good movie, going on a walk, creating something or taking a bubble bath. Find something that helps you cope, allow your child to recognize that you are engaging in these coping activities. Work with them to find a few methods that help them as well. Having a list of helpful coping skills on the refrigerator might be very helpful during this time that is filled with more than normal disappointments.

This feeling of loss, of sadness, of missing something, is uncomfortable. However, if we suppress it and ignore it, it will come out in a maladaptive manner. More importantly is that we can teach our children to handle it the same way. Refusing to acknowledge disappointment may result in no more dreaming, only expressing anger or a temptation to belittle others that express disappointment themselves.

Remember, feelings aren’t wrong, they are valid. Feel them, express them, but also be intentional about coping with them as well. You can do this!

Moving through disappointment to the other side,

Allyson

Someone please find me a milkshake!

boredom, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, home, isolation, loneliness, parenting, summer

The Doldrums of Summer

Posted on June 29, 2020June 29, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I’m bored!”

Complaints of boredom almost always arise during summertime as kids adjust to idle days after months jam-packed with school, sports, and other activities. Now, as we are all moving through a summer in which our vacations, camps, and road trips have been cancelled or postponed and many of our plans changed or been put on hold, our kids are likely to encounter boredom more than ever.

It can be tempting as a parent to try to prevent boredom in our children, especially when our kids are asking us to try to solve the ‘problem’ of boredom for them. We want our kids to have access to enrichment and learning activities, to engage in team sports and learn how to play instruments. We love seeing our kids light up whenever they are being delightfully entertained and sometimes, frankly, we just need some time alone to work or rest.

However, parents should be slow to jump in and ‘fix’ boredom. There are many ways that we, as parents, can guide our children through their boredom and help them learn more about themselves while empowering them to emotionally regulate.

Try Connecting

The fact that our children usually come to us with the cries of their boredom is a clue that one of the reasons our kids get bored is because they are lonely. Sandi Mann, a senior psychology lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire in the U.K., describes boredom as a search for neural stimulation that isn’t satisfied. So much of a child’s learning comes from social interaction and our increased isolation during the time of COVID-19 has increased the potential for everyone, especially our kids, to be a little lonelier.

Try to listen to what kind of boredom your child is experiencing. If it sounds like loneliness, you might look for ways of connecting your kids to their friends more. Try a combination of ways to connect that can also ignite your child’s creativity, generosity, or kindness. Provide stationary, letters, and envelopes or help coordinate facetime phone calls between friends, even with younger children. It will still be meaningful even if the video call is short and distracted. If you have older kids, it is fine to have rules about socializing over screens that mimic your in-person rules, such as having to be in a common area while on a device and having a “curfew.”

Some children, younger kids especially, may simply need to feel your empathy and connection through their boredom. Normalize the feeling of boredom, listen to what they have to say, and help them problem solve. If you have time to play, certainly take the time to play. But connection will also happen through the simple act of taking the time to make eye contact, listen, and simply be with them. Kids rarely have “run out of things to do,” and instead just need a break to be with someone for little while.

Model Boredom

One of the most impactful ways that we can help our kids with their boredom is by engaging with our own. When we keep ourselves busy or distracted by screens, we start to lose our ability to move out of our own boredom. It is easy to drown out our boredom with podcasts, tv, and scrolling, but in the process we lose our ability to be creative in alleviating our own boredom and become dependent upon outside stimulation.

Boredom has been found to be a fount of both creativity and emotional processing. Dr. Mann states that, “Once you start daydreaming and allow your mind to really wander, you start thinking a little bit beyond the conscious, a little bit into the subconscious, which allows sort of different connections to take place. It’s really awesome, actually.”

When you are bored, your brain begins to do amazing things. It is the space in which your brain sets goals, assigns meaning to your past, and processes emotions. It is also the space in which we dream up new solutions to our problems. It is really tempting in this season of boredom, burnout, and uncertainty to want to check out at the end of the day (or even mid-day) and just numb out with some Netflix. But just like our other emotions, boredom communicates something important to us. If boredom is the unmet need for stimulation, then boredom, like hunger, is simply trying to get us to pay more attention to what we really need.

Just like with our kids, boredom can be delayed by constant entertainment, but that will just make creating stimulation for ourselves so much harder. We can model good mental fitness by allowing ourselves to get bored during the day. This can look like engaging in menial activity, practicing mindfulness, sitting and thinking, or even just putting away our screens.

Provide a Space for Exploring Boredom

Personally, the hardest part of allowing my kids to be bored is letting go of control. Younger kids learn better through concrete experiences so while a teen may find themselves lounging under a tree and getting lost in their thoughts during productive boredom, toddlers and preschoolers tend to be a little, erm, *messier.*

Create space, perhaps both inside and out, in which your kids can explore. Set up a drawing station or pull out some play dough. Dedicate a section of your backyard to dirty and messy play. Have a cache of puzzles, books, or other engaging activities on hand. Set a time everyday during which everyone has alone time in a space made special for them. When we give kids ways to constructively work through and process their emotions, including boredom, they are more likely to grow into adults with healthy emotional regulation.

Many of us are still finding ourselves in survival mode this summer, but boredom is one thing that we don’t need to run from. Let’s all lean a little harder into boredom and see what amazing things happen.

Being bored and brilliant with you,

Selena

Ducharme, J. (2019, Jaunary 4). Being bored can be good for you—if you do it right. here’s how. Time. https://time.com/5480002/benefits-of-boredom/

Kovelle, K. (2020, March 25). Boredom is OK! Here are 13 ways to help your kids embrace it. Metro Parent for Southeast Michigan. https://www.metroparent.com/daily/parenting/parenting-issues-tips/boredom-is-ok-for-kids/

Zomorodi, M. (2017, April). How boredom can lead to your most brilliant ideas [Video file]. Retireved from https://www.ted.com/talks/manoush_zomorodi_how_boredom_can_lead_to_your_most_brilliant_ideas?language=en

counseling, goals, motherhood, parenting, screen time, selfcare, summer

Survival Mode to Summertime

Posted on May 25, 2020 by themommytherapist

Stepping into summertime feels really different this year. Kids have already been at home for months, things are slowly reopening, and many summer plans have been put on hold. So how do we differentiate summer from quarantine life and move out of survival mode to summer mode?

Hopefully things are getting a little more normal for you. As you make this transition, I would encourage you to remember to do what is comfortable and best for your family. If that means socially distancing longer than your friends or letting loose now that the stay at home order is over, you get to make the choice for your family. A great thing we can do for our friends and family members is respect their decisions. On this Memorial Day, you can also take some time to prepare for your summer!

When You Were a Kid

What do you remember about summer when you were a kid? What did you love? What can you recreate with your family? Maybe a backyard kid pool and homemade popsicles made the list or water balloon fights and super soakers. We may have to get a little more creative this summer with safety precautions and not everything open. I would encourage you to make a bucket list with your kids about things you want to do over the summer. Planning and working your way down the bucket list can help get everyone in summer mode.

Reinstate Normal

Anyone still feeling like they are in survival mode? What do you need to implement to get back to normal that is within your control? In our house, I need a better morning routine, and we need to get back to our bedtime routine in the evenings. Maybe its reigning in screen time or limiting self indulgence as a coping mechanism as discussed in previous blog posts. Communicating expectations and routines is beneficial for both you and your kids. It keeps you accountable and does not take them by surprise.

One on One

In her book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, Dr. Markham discusses the importance of one on one time. She suggests doing this daily for fifteen minutes with each child and calling it by your child’s name, for example, “Matthew time.” I realize this may not be feasible every day, but what a great thing for our kids to look forward to when we can! These little ones love spending time with parents. It also creates something predictable in the summer routine.

I hope this new season helps you get into a new mindset as you set out to enjoy some time with your family this summer. Life isn’t normal yet for most of us. We know summer will have great moments and hard moments as all parenting seasons do, but I hope you can enjoy the moment by moment of this season.

Diving in with you,

Andrea

Reference:

Markham, L. (2012) Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. New York: Perigree Press.

boundaries, coparenting, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, home, isolation, motherhood, parenting, relationships, screen time, summer, therapy, values

A Sea of Screens

Posted on May 18, 2020May 31, 2020 by themommytherapist

We have all witnessed the impact of too much screen time on our own mood and on our children. We have heard about the importance of limiting our screen time, but often times we haven’t seen the specifics of what screen time limitations should look like or the detrimental effects of too much screen time. In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, a time that we have all been required to be on our screens more than normal (and may have streamed an extra show or seven for ourselves or our children) the need for a screen detox is inevitable. It may be helpful to explore together just what our screen hygiene looks like and how we can change it to increase digital wellness.

Averaging 7.5 hours of screen time per day, 8 to 18 year olds often suffer many difficulties due to steep overuse of screens. The developmental impact appears to be most determined not by what screens are doing to alter brain development, but rather by what we are missing when we spend our time engulfed in the sea of media. Sequestered in our homes, we neglect the rich benefits of outdoor green space which calms our nervous system and strengthens our attention span. The constant hue of blue light short-circuits our circadian rhythm as we shield ourselves from the sun. Exercise and its many benefits are traded for the slothful rhythm of autoplay, creating fertile ground for anxiety, insomnia, depression, and hyperactivity. Emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and our ability to understand cause and effect are all stunted when we and our children don’t enjoy the fruits of imaginative, free play and movement. Empathy, connection, and love are hampered when we substitute media for real embrace and eye to eye connection.

In the midst of a global pandemic, a temporary increase in screen time is to be expected. For many of us, it’s the only way we have made it through the day with any semblance of sanity! But however alluring the call to the sea of screens, we must return to the shore of digital wellness. Unfortunately, we can often feel lost at sea, with no way to find our way back. So what can we do? Here are some helpful guidelines to get us started, as well as some additional resources to promote digital wellness in our homes:

Limit screen time for adults and children in the home.
Curate our use of media, opting only for those things we enjoy and avoiding pointless browsing/binge watching.
Assign times and spaces that screens are and are not allowed (ex: no screens at dinnertime and after 9:00pm or no screens or phones in bedrooms).
Use software to protect children from inappropriate material.
Model healthy screen usage for your children.
Decrease screen time slowly as you work toward healthier limitations
Consider a 24 hour “screen sabbath” once per week, when screens are off-limits.

Detoxing from our screen dependence will not be fun. But it is necessary if we are to enjoy and fully embrace the life, real life, that’s right in front of us.

Tiffany Raley, M.A.

References:

Children and Media Tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018, May 1). Retrieved May 17, 2020, from https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/Pages/Children-and-Media-Tips.aspx

Infographics – Screen Time vs. Lean Time. (2018, January 29). Retrieved May 17, 2020, from https://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpao/multimedia/infographics/getmoving.html

counseling, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, summer

Uprooting Isolation

Posted on July 15, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

Isolation. The feeling of being separated from others. Have you ever stood in a room, completely surrounded, but aching with loneliness, discomfort, and an intense desire to connect? I have. And I think it is prevalent for moms, even in the moments that you have escaped from “nap jail” as a dear neighbor humorously commented to me. Sometimes it is so difficult to connect – to know and be known by others. Maybe it’s the fear of being judged for our frazzled mom appearance or our parenting habits. Maybe it’s because we are just out of the loop and don’t know where to begin conversation. Maybe it’s because we have spent all of our “energy bucks” on our family and can barely muster concern for the intricacies happening in the lives of others. Whatever the cause, we must deal with the internal root of isolation.

Isolation is a nasty weed that can grow from various root systems. Recently we had a plant that we just could not get rid of in our back yard. I cut it down… numerous times. I poisoned it… numerous times. And I complained about it a whole lot. But the green bushy plant kept coming back. It was relentless. Nothing worked to get rid of this plant until we finally dug it up by the root. I find isolation is very similar to this plant. It digs deep. And we can deal with all the impacts that grow above the surface, cutting it back every few months. But until we address the root, isolation will return. I have found that isolation, when present in my life, has a much deeper and widespread root system than what one might think. When I feel lonely and the deep, aching longing to know and to be known, I can usually- if I have the insight and discipline to stop and reflect- identify a few of the roots that are contributing to the isolation. Here are just a few I’ve noticed in my life.

1. Unresolved Hurt: Whether in friendships, community groups, marriages, or work relationships, stuffing emotions and avoiding real conversations about valid hurts affirm the harmful message within that connection is dangerous and not worth the risk and effort. You teach to yourself the false message that you are not worthy of love and belonging. Full disclosure, this is a tough area for me. It’s a vulnerable experience to give someone your heart and share how they hurt you (see below for my distaste for vulnerability). Fearful of rejection, denial of harm, or being exposed for our own flaws, us mamas aren’t so great at confronting hurts in a gentle, respectful way. Our kiddos must see this modeled and must learn how to navigate conflict when relational roads get bumpy.

2. Insecurity and Unwillingness to be Vulnerable With Others: In his book Caring for One Another, Ed Welch says, “Our pride resists being vulnerable. Even more, if you have ever confided in someone and received comments that were hurtful or less than supportive, you might have decided on the spot never to let that happen again, which means that you keep your troubles to yourself.” Our unresolved hurt and insecurities create a wall of self-protection and we begin resisting the risks of being vulnerable. It’s so hard to be vulnerable, to let others know you. But friend, let me urge you, cannot know unless you are known. Yes, vulnerability will inevitably allow others to get close enough to hurt you. But it will also let the sweetness of companionship, support, and belonging to be known by you.

3. Unhealthy Standards and Expectations: The final part to the root of isolation that has taken up residence in the yard of my life (cue the uncomfortable vulnerability) has been unrealistic expectations and idealistic dreams of what friendships should look like. Only when I have abandoned the thoughts that all my friends should parent like me, live lifestyles like me, find the same humor funny, and spend money like me have I been able to enjoy the sweetness of friendship. When I let that idealized picture of friendship go, I’m free to truly enjoy my friends’ differences, have meaningful conversations, and reciprocate vulnerability. Friend, if we are unwilling to be authentic and vulnerable, we cannot expect others to be authentic and vulnerable with us. Let people in, whether that be into the messiness of your heart or the messiness of your house. Welcome people in to the mess of life and ask, “Will you sit with me here for a while?”

To be sure, you may find the root system of your isolation to be comprised of other factors: a move away from your family and support system, loss of a loved one, or circumstances outside of your control. If you find yourself in this predicament, let me encourage you, there is healing in connection. It takes bravery, energy, and planning. But you are worthy of love and belonging. Ask someone for help to dig that root up, and rid the isolation that is persistent in your life. With equal importance, when you pass someone else’s yard of life and see the isolation growing out of control, offer to help dig it up. The root of isolation, by its very nature, cannot be dug up alone. I recently had a sweet friend of mine say to me, “Don’t let me isolate myself.” We tend to do that, don’t we? Don’t worry Mama, I’ve got my shovel.

A few reflection questions for you to assist in digging up your root system of isolation:

How have you found yourself responding when hurt by others? Do you move near to talk it out? Or are you more likely to withdraw to avoid being hurt?

What are the insecurities that keep you from being authentic and vulnerable with others? Who is a safe person you can be vulnerable with this week?

What are the judgements you pass on other friends? How might you let that go so you can enjoy their differences and sweet fellowship with them?

In the mess with you,

Tiffany Raley

isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, summer

Fighting Against The Shadows

Posted on July 1, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

As the sun sets, you prepare for night feedings. As you pass the toy aisle, you prepare for the tantrum. As you make your coffee, you expect it to be cold by the time you finish.

Motherhood (primary caregiver-hood) can be an exhausting endeavor. However, the greatest “thief”, is often isolation. There is a growing struggle to connect. When screened in porches and sunrooms began to let in light while keeping out our neighbors, something was lost. Rarely do people sit in a way that invites spontaneous conversation. The village is now inaccessible. The village can now be shaming. The village is a scary place.

The vulnerability that is required to parent with others, often keeps us alone. In the hot days of summer, it becomes more difficult to spend time where others congregate. In the south, going to the park almost seems like an invitation for heat stroke! It can become so easy and so harmful to hole-up in the air conditioned house and parent alone.

Friendships in motherhood look very different than ever before. There is often the obstacle of crying (when they are infants), tantrums (when they are toddlers), extracurricular activities (when they are school aged), etc. Reasons will always exist to excuse us from breaking our isolation.

Where to go from here?

Here are four important things to remember when attempting to embrace the idea of community.

BE INTENTIONAL

LIFE. IS. INSANE. Busyness happens and when you look up from the day, you realize a month has gone by without speaking to your best friend. Set some kind of reminder to send a text or make a phone call to check-in and engage with someone. It can mean having alarms on various days with someone’s name attached. It can mean sticky notes on your mirror or in the car. It can even mean scheduling a FaceTime date monthly. Time will not magically appear for friendships, you must make time.

BE VULNERABLE

When someone you trust asks how life is going? Do not- DO NOT- say “fine”. Is life ever really fine? If you are not struggling with lack of sleep or lack of time for yourself or budgeting or grocery shopping or the Everest that is laundry, you are worrying about your kids. There is always something on your mind. Always something you can gain another’s perspective on, or experience solidarity in the struggle.

BE UNDERSTANDING

Be the type of friend you need. Mom-shaming is one of the most damaging, soul-crushing, frustrating trends in our culture. This can come in the form of out-right guilting, advice giving or even dismissal of someone else’s experience. There’s a great tool that you can use when someone is sharing their struggle. Ask what they need. “Do you want advice or do you want me to listen?” Often, if we model the type of friend we need, others reciprocate.

BE BOLD

Make the first move, even if it is outside your comfort zone. Ask for the playdate with moms you know or engage in conversation with the other parent in the play place. Concern for our kids and having a similar passion in life, can be a connecting point. It is terrifying and rejection is real. Someone has to start the conversation. Why not be that person?

Do not let your days be filled with longing for community and support. You can be an active participant in fighting isolation and loneliness. It is not an easy process. Many of these ideas are easier said than done. That is ok. Please take the first step and find what you need. We must be an army of light against the darkness of isolation. It is a real enemy. Let us fight this together.

Fighting for you and with you,

Allyson Pitre

body image, motherhood, summer

SWIMSUIT SHOPPING

Posted on June 17, 2019June 17, 2019 by themommytherapist

Okay, be honest. Take a second to reflect. What was the very first thought or image that came to your mind when you saw that dreaded phrase swimsuit shopping? If you’re like me, you likely didn’t think happy thoughts about the beautiful body you have been given. The body that held the precious children who are currently making a fuss. Your mind probably didn’t drift off into a daydream about how much fun you are going to have at the destination that prompted the swimsuit mission. No, if you’re like me, your thoughts jumped ahead to the event you will attend in your swimsuit, dreading being around women that you have defined as better looking and thinner. This is such a struggle, and it should not be so.

Our bodies, though magnificent, were not designed to be eternally beautiful, according to the world’s definition of beauty. To compare ourselves to other body types that we deem more beautiful is a torturous endeavor. So, what can we do with the intense feelings of disgust, shame, inferiority, and inadequacy we so often feel? Here are seven steps you can take to reshape your thinking.

Name what you are feeling.

Our behavior is motivated, our relationships impacted, and pursuits are determined by our emotions. The gift of emotions are intended to protect us emotionally and physically, but unidentified emotions are often a breeding ground for destructive thought patterns and actions. When we take the time to explore and name what we are feeling, our emotions are restored and made to serve the end for which they were designed.

Ex: “I feel disgusting and inadequate when I stand on the beach.”

Notice the sensations in your body.

Many times we may not think we are feeling anxious or angry or sad. But our bodies have a tell. It may be a dull ache in your stomach, tingles in your hands, or tension in your shoulders. One way or another, your body will reveal when there is something going on beneath the surface. Learn your body’s tells and leverage your physical reactions for the sake of your mental health.

Identify what you are thinking.

Emotions are not born in a vacuum. They stem from an internal narrative, thoughts we may not even be aware exist. When negative feelings arise in seemingly inappropriate situations (i.e. shopping for a swimsuit), there’s a good chance some unhealthy thoughts are happening deep within us. For instance, swimsuit shopping may trigger the unhealthy thought, “I won’t look good in a swimsuit.” This line of thinking misses the mark in that it assumes that the purpose of your body is to appear outwardly attractive. This is simply not so.

Preach truth to yourself, replacing distorted thoughts with thoughts that ring with truth.

Once you’ve recognized the unhealthy thoughts that race through your mind, replace that thought with truth. For example, instead of allowing your mind to dwell on the thought, “I won’t look good in a swimsuit,” remind yourself, “My body is amazing. It has gone through so much and has sustained life for my children,” or “My body has fulfilled its purposes well,” or “My body, no matter the flaws, can still enjoy the beach, make memories, and love my children the same.” Personally, the truth that sustains me during swimsuit season and in this season of postpartum is a result of my faith in Christ. Because I believe that my body is fearfully and wonderfully made, and that my body serves a purpose outside of just being sexually attractive to the public eye, I am able to see my body as a beautiful gift that was created as a vessel to care for others.

Be vulnerable with others.

Don’t keep your angst tucked inside. Share your thoughts and feelings with others. Break the shame cycle by confiding in a trusted friend about your intense feelings and encouraging one another in the journey

Contribute to your health.

If your weight or unhealthy habits are contributing to your unhealthy thinking, make the necessary changes that will tune your mind to thinking in terms of health rather than outward beauty.

Limit your exposure to unrealistic ideas of body image.

If you are feeling shame about your body, it may be wise to decrease the time that you take in media that idolizes beauty, size, and unhealthy thinking about women’s bodies.

Okay, so I need to change my thinking and beliefs about my body. What does this have to do with motherhood? Tell me this, are you able to respond gently, lovingly, and in the best interest of your child when you feel insecure, inadequate, and undesirable? Are you able to reflect a beautiful marriage when you are more concerned about the other women on the beach than you are about pursuing intimacy with your spouse? Are you able to be present and enjoy your kids when you are trying to make sure your flaws are covered up? Are you able to reflect to your daughter the beliefs and body image you hope to instill in her? Would you be okay if she thought about herself the same way you think about yourself?

This is tough. But you can be comfortable in your body. You are beautiful and you are designed to enjoy this life and intimacy with others. Don’t allow unrealistic standards keep you and your family from enjoying life.

Tiff

counseling, motherhood, parenting, summer

The Heat is On

Posted on June 10, 2019June 10, 2019 by themommytherapist

For most families, summer is now in full swing. Vacations have been planned, child care has been juggled, and sunburns have started popping up in the odd places that we miss as we chase after our kids with sunscreen. As parents we tend to spend a lot of time and energy focused on the minutia of coordinating and crafting experiences for our children. But no matter how much time or intentionality we put into our summers, it can still sometimes feel like we are missing the mark. Every parent, every child, every family, and every year looks different when it comes summer, so when we feel like we are falling short in the summer months it can be helpful to take a step back and understand what we are really feeling and what we can do with those feelings.

What are your expectations?

If you find that your summer isn’t quite measuring up to what you hoped, consider evaluating the standard you are trying to measure up to. Your goals for the summer should ultimately be a reflection of the larger goals you have as a parent and as a family. Consider what those values are and how your summer goals are fitting in with those values. A spontaneous family camping trip may be a perfect goal for a family that values adventure and new experiences, while planting and tending a garden may be a perfect project for a family that values the outdoors and teamwork. There is nothing inherently better or worse about a camping trip or planting a garden, and there are certainly families that can and do enjoy both. However, filtering your plans and decisions for the summer through your values can help you prioritize what is most important for your family and keep both summer burnout and boredom at bay.

What content are you consuming?

Another helpful angle to consider whenever you start to feel the weight of expectations for your summer is to think about what you are consuming. The imaginary zoo you create with your three-year-old or the moments when your newborn is asleep on your chest may be the most important and valuable parts of your day, but that can be hard to believe as you read an article titled “Top Ten Reasons to Get Out of the House with Your Preschoolers.” There is a lot of value to interacting with a lot of different content created from different perspectives, but there is a line between learning/admiring and letting comparison be the thief of your joy. When you consume media and social media, try to be mindful of the values, gifts, and perspectives of others. It is possible that your feeling of “falling short” may be the result of comparing yourself with someone whose values, gifts, and priorities are different than your own.

You are not alone.

The reality of being a human and parent is that we do and will fall short, sometimes daily. But it is important to not only understand where your feelings of falling short are coming from, but to also take the appropriate action. Treat yourself with compassion whenever you find yourself feeling like you missed the mark. Resist any temptation to judge or criticize yourself. Instead, gently ask yourself if and where you might need to press into some growth. I sing a song to my preschooler with the words:

“We all make mistakes as we’re learning, it’s okay to make mistakes as you’re learning – just try to learn from them.”

It’s not easy to hit the bull’s eye on parenting. Too often we are too much of one thing and too little of another. Step back and take a look at your expectations and your efforts and give yourself the freedom to adjust them as needed.

In the joy and the chaos,

Selena Ellis