parenting – Page 7

isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting

Standing Strong…alone

Posted on July 8, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

When I first became a parent, no one warned me about isolation. It snuck up on me unexpectedly in those first weeks of motherhood when I was up at 3:00 am feeding my newborn. Sitting there in the darkness, I felt like the only other person awake in the world. But in those same quiet early morning hours, I started connecting with other moms who were up at odd hours too. They too were awake feeding newborns, or comforting sick kids, or just patiently waiting out another night filled with the struggles of insomnia. I had found a new community and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone.

In each season of parenthood, isolation – or at least the risk of isolation – has followed. And in each season the ways that I have received and responded to the isolation have changed as well. What has stayed constant is the fact that finding and staying connected to my “people” is something I’m never able to take for granted. While, in general, it is always the best practice to attempt to connect and build community whenever possible, sometimes isolation cannot and shouldn’t be avoided, even if it’s just for a time.

FOR SOME, ISOLATION IS UNAVOIDABLE. For mothers who have just moved to a new state or who are struggling with anxiety or depression. For mothers of children who have medical or behavioral conditions that make parenting a 24/7 task or make it difficult to go anywhere but home or the hospital. For the working mother who feels too thinly stretched to build community when she already feels like she is giving too little to both work and home.

FOR OTHERS, ISOLATION IS THE BEST OPTION – AT LEAST FOR A TIME. For the introverted mother who knows she needs to save her emotional energy for her family. For the mother who lives in a community that does not feel safe or supportive for her or for her children.

AND SOMETIMES, ISOLATION IS INEVITABLE AS RHYTHMS AND ROUTINES CHANGE. It takes time to learn how to reconnect again and again as life, children, routines, and our desires change.

If you have found yourself isolated from community in this season, you are still not alone. It happens to almost every parent at some point along the way. Whatever the reason and however long the season, isolation can be a unique space to explore and grow in ways that can be more difficult when we are surrounded by community.

PRACTICE STILLNESS

While parenting in general is a busy business, some moms find it difficult to slow down at all. If you find yourself being driven by perfection, use the still moments in a season of isolation for practicing stillness. This can look like practicing deep breathing or even just accepting the mess your children make as you sit and eat or do crafts with them. Being still can help balance your perspective and help you see what is already good, even if it is imperfect.

DO SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU

As parents, it can hard sometimes to feel valued beyond the things that we do. If you find yourself questioning what value you have beyond being the cook/chauffeur/shopper/maid/planner, then in times when you find yourself isolated it may be time to ask yourself what you need. Show yourself that you are worthy outside of what you do for others by taking some time to give to yourself. Put your favorite meal on the week’s menu or put something in your home just because you think it is beautiful. Finding ways to practice giving to yourself can help safeguard you from losing yourself in the role of motherhood.

MARK THE MILESTONES YOU HAVE ALREADY CROSSED

Take the time to mark and reflect on all that you already done. Parenting is a relentless to do list and the measuring stick we (and other people) use to measure our success is constantly growing, shifting, and becoming more and more complicated. If you find it difficult to step outside of the expectations of others or chasing success, then it might be helpful to use isolation as a time to reflect on what you have already accomplished. Use the space of isolation to remind yourself of how valuable you already are.

CREATE NEW RHYTHMS OF DISCIPLINE

Sometimes when we are disconnected from community it can be easier to fall into habits of self-indulgence. If you find that it can be difficult to stabilize your emotions when you are in seasons of isolation, creating habits of self-discipline can help to ground and refocus you. Practice having a bedtime, develop an exercise routine, or start using a planner/calendar. Choose something that feels both doable and stabilizing.

BUILD YOUR CASTLE

There are things as parents that we all want to keep away from our kids and families, especially when it comes to the values and beliefs that you are trying to instill into your children. Use the times when you find yourself isolated to emphasize those values and beliefs. Create the culture in your home that you want your children to be a part of inside of your home.

BE FULLY PRESENT

Oftentimes we get so wrapped up in what comes next that we start to lose sight of what is in front of us. If you find it hard to be present and find yourself constantly planning the next outing or social event, it might be helpful to slow down and practice being fully present. Notice everything. Take mental pictures. Try to be completely in the moment right in front of you, not three steps ahead.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND UNPLUG

Sometimes it can feel easy to lose ourselves when we are always around or talking to other people. Use the space of isolation to take off the “shoulds” you have been carrying around like ‘you should really do this more…’ or ‘you really know you shouldn’t…” Instead, take the opportunity to listen to what you really want and who you want to be as a parent. It can be easy to try to fit into the mold someone else has created, but take the time to ask yourself if you believe or are doing something because it’s what you want or if it’s because someone else told you it was a good idea.

Do not let isolation swallow you up with its darkness. Instead, strive to be your own light in the dark spaces. The paths towards change, growth, and joy all begin exactly where you are at right now and they only take the smallest steps to get closer and closer.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, summer

Fighting Against The Shadows

Posted on July 1, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

As the sun sets, you prepare for night feedings. As you pass the toy aisle, you prepare for the tantrum. As you make your coffee, you expect it to be cold by the time you finish.

Motherhood (primary caregiver-hood) can be an exhausting endeavor. However, the greatest “thief”, is often isolation. There is a growing struggle to connect. When screened in porches and sunrooms began to let in light while keeping out our neighbors, something was lost. Rarely do people sit in a way that invites spontaneous conversation. The village is now inaccessible. The village can now be shaming. The village is a scary place.

The vulnerability that is required to parent with others, often keeps us alone. In the hot days of summer, it becomes more difficult to spend time where others congregate. In the south, going to the park almost seems like an invitation for heat stroke! It can become so easy and so harmful to hole-up in the air conditioned house and parent alone.

Friendships in motherhood look very different than ever before. There is often the obstacle of crying (when they are infants), tantrums (when they are toddlers), extracurricular activities (when they are school aged), etc. Reasons will always exist to excuse us from breaking our isolation.

Where to go from here?

Here are four important things to remember when attempting to embrace the idea of community.

BE INTENTIONAL

LIFE. IS. INSANE. Busyness happens and when you look up from the day, you realize a month has gone by without speaking to your best friend. Set some kind of reminder to send a text or make a phone call to check-in and engage with someone. It can mean having alarms on various days with someone’s name attached. It can mean sticky notes on your mirror or in the car. It can even mean scheduling a FaceTime date monthly. Time will not magically appear for friendships, you must make time.

BE VULNERABLE

When someone you trust asks how life is going? Do not- DO NOT- say “fine”. Is life ever really fine? If you are not struggling with lack of sleep or lack of time for yourself or budgeting or grocery shopping or the Everest that is laundry, you are worrying about your kids. There is always something on your mind. Always something you can gain another’s perspective on, or experience solidarity in the struggle.

BE UNDERSTANDING

Be the type of friend you need. Mom-shaming is one of the most damaging, soul-crushing, frustrating trends in our culture. This can come in the form of out-right guilting, advice giving or even dismissal of someone else’s experience. There’s a great tool that you can use when someone is sharing their struggle. Ask what they need. “Do you want advice or do you want me to listen?” Often, if we model the type of friend we need, others reciprocate.

BE BOLD

Make the first move, even if it is outside your comfort zone. Ask for the playdate with moms you know or engage in conversation with the other parent in the play place. Concern for our kids and having a similar passion in life, can be a connecting point. It is terrifying and rejection is real. Someone has to start the conversation. Why not be that person?

Do not let your days be filled with longing for community and support. You can be an active participant in fighting isolation and loneliness. It is not an easy process. Many of these ideas are easier said than done. That is ok. Please take the first step and find what you need. We must be an army of light against the darkness of isolation. It is a real enemy. Let us fight this together.

Fighting for you and with you,

Allyson Pitre

counseling, motherhood, parenting, summer

The Heat is On

Posted on June 10, 2019June 10, 2019 by themommytherapist

For most families, summer is now in full swing. Vacations have been planned, child care has been juggled, and sunburns have started popping up in the odd places that we miss as we chase after our kids with sunscreen. As parents we tend to spend a lot of time and energy focused on the minutia of coordinating and crafting experiences for our children. But no matter how much time or intentionality we put into our summers, it can still sometimes feel like we are missing the mark. Every parent, every child, every family, and every year looks different when it comes summer, so when we feel like we are falling short in the summer months it can be helpful to take a step back and understand what we are really feeling and what we can do with those feelings.

What are your expectations?

If you find that your summer isn’t quite measuring up to what you hoped, consider evaluating the standard you are trying to measure up to. Your goals for the summer should ultimately be a reflection of the larger goals you have as a parent and as a family. Consider what those values are and how your summer goals are fitting in with those values. A spontaneous family camping trip may be a perfect goal for a family that values adventure and new experiences, while planting and tending a garden may be a perfect project for a family that values the outdoors and teamwork. There is nothing inherently better or worse about a camping trip or planting a garden, and there are certainly families that can and do enjoy both. However, filtering your plans and decisions for the summer through your values can help you prioritize what is most important for your family and keep both summer burnout and boredom at bay.

What content are you consuming?

Another helpful angle to consider whenever you start to feel the weight of expectations for your summer is to think about what you are consuming. The imaginary zoo you create with your three-year-old or the moments when your newborn is asleep on your chest may be the most important and valuable parts of your day, but that can be hard to believe as you read an article titled “Top Ten Reasons to Get Out of the House with Your Preschoolers.” There is a lot of value to interacting with a lot of different content created from different perspectives, but there is a line between learning/admiring and letting comparison be the thief of your joy. When you consume media and social media, try to be mindful of the values, gifts, and perspectives of others. It is possible that your feeling of “falling short” may be the result of comparing yourself with someone whose values, gifts, and priorities are different than your own.

You are not alone.

The reality of being a human and parent is that we do and will fall short, sometimes daily. But it is important to not only understand where your feelings of falling short are coming from, but to also take the appropriate action. Treat yourself with compassion whenever you find yourself feeling like you missed the mark. Resist any temptation to judge or criticize yourself. Instead, gently ask yourself if and where you might need to press into some growth. I sing a song to my preschooler with the words:

“We all make mistakes as we’re learning, it’s okay to make mistakes as you’re learning – just try to learn from them.”

It’s not easy to hit the bull’s eye on parenting. Too often we are too much of one thing and too little of another. Step back and take a look at your expectations and your efforts and give yourself the freedom to adjust them as needed.

In the joy and the chaos,

Selena Ellis

counseling, introduction, motherhood, parenting

Here We Go!

Posted on June 3, 2019June 3, 2019 by themommytherapist

Welcome to our new blog! Within this website, you will receive information and empathy from four different counselors who are also mothers of small children. We seek to do four things for you.

Provide Encouragement

As mothers in the same stage as many of you, we understand that there is no way to measure “success” in this journey of parenthood. When being consistent with discipline, our children will insist we are terrible human beings and do not love them. When giving them what they want, sometimes their behavior becomes more unmanageable. When trying to be affectionate, they would rather play with their toys. It can be so discouraging when we do not get a “performance review” and have a way to evaluate our strengths and growth areas. Therefore, we can encourage and validate your struggle with this adventure of parenting.

Provide Empathy

It is hard. There is nothing more worthwhile and more difficult than growing humans who will be productive, kind members of society. You will not hear (or read rather) a perspective of “having it all together.” Though we come from a place of professionalism and education, we have our “watch a movie because you are sick” days and our “need to apologize because we just yelled at our kids” days. We understand the struggle, we affirm your desire to care for your kids well, and we want you to know that feeling like a failure can be normal (unfortunately).

Provide a Community

There is nothing more isolating that parenthood. Maintaining friendships and even relationships under the same roof, can be difficult in this stage of life. Within this site, we seek to give you a place where you feel less alone. There are others that are dealing with the same issues and feeling lost. It is our desire to reassure you that you are not alone.

Provide Education

Our training and experience as counselors gives us a unique viewpoint. We work with clients and our own children to implement different techniques in parenting. This may include everything from activities to bond with your children to ideas for managing problematic behaviors. In this blog, we will give tips and suggestions on varying topics. Feel free to fill out our “contact us” form and share topics you would like for us to cover.

Thank you for tuning into our website! We look forward to walking this journey of parenting together.

Allyson Pitre