parenting – Page 2

anger, coparenting, empathy, grief, parenting, relationships, trauma, Uncategorized, values

Confronting Communication in this controversial world

Posted on November 2, 2020November 2, 2020 by themommytherapist

“Do you even have a brain?” may be an overarching sentiment throughout today’s dialogue. The tone of the home is often found within the culture of the outside world. In these times, the overwhelming atmosphere of polarization is seeping into our families. Politics, COVID precautions, parenting, and so many other issues have become divisive rather than topics for discussion.

Navigating these subjects with our spouses can be very difficult. The tendency is to become reactive, condescending and dismissive. This can cause small fights to become point-making episodes that will erode the relationship.

Here are a few options to consider when disagreements arise:

LISTENING VS. LITIGATING

When we believe something strongly, we often have a list of relevant arguments on file in our brains. (Or is that just me?) We know the common attempts to refute our thoughts and the best rebuttal. A conversation becomes more like a trial for certain ideas.

That is not how communication with our spouse needs to function. We need to listen, not only for the words they are speaking, but for what is below the surface. We know this person. We have dedicated our lives to being “one flesh” and molding our wills into a compatible force. When something triggers deep emotion, it is normally about something much more. What is that underlying fear or hurt they are attempting to outrun, out-reason or out-act? Listen deeper than the argument that you deem idiotic or shortsighted.

Some insistences that wearing masks are ridiculous might stem from the panic response the body creates when feeling trapped. What trauma are they experiencing? Is it about more than just their decision that wearing masks “isn’t for them.” Often, when we are able to listen beyond the words and enter into their world, we can speak to the core issue rather than the surface defense.

RESPONDING VS. REACTING

As previously explored, look beyond what is said. This is easier said than done. How come? We also have underlying reasons for our reactions. It can help to evaluate our own stances and the reasoning behind them.

This way, we are able to hear what is said without our own filters. These filters may color our partner’s arguments with more meaning than they intend. As an example, have you been frustrated at your spouse’s suggestion that they may not get the COVID vaccine? Are you simultaneously grieving an elderly loved one? Consider the connection between these two seemingly unrelated events.

The words spoken are not what causes the emotion, it is the history we contend with in our own minds. When we understand our worldview, our own traumas and why we feel how we feel, we can respond with more calm than if we react to our own underlying histories. When we know ourselves, we can also share where our passion comes from. Bringing the cause of emotion into the conversation allows understanding.

A great method to begin this conversation can be using “I” statements. This is a format often taught in counseling as a means to express difficult ideas. “I feel __________, when you _________, because _______________ . Next time, I would like if you would ____________ .”

This can be “I feel unheard, when you complain about COVID restrictions, because I am still grieving over losing my Grandmother. Next time, I would like if you would acknowledge my emotion as valid.”

ASKING VS. ASSUMING

Part of the “love verses” in scripture that is read at weddings and quoted ad nauseam in 1 Corinthians 13 is that love “always trusts.” (verse 7) It believes the best. When we assume that the other person is intelligent, caring, and wants the world to be a better place, we can ask questions without an ulterior motive.

Questions can be healing or very damaging. When done with an agenda, or in an attempt to shame or manipulate someone, it can harm. However, when we seek to really know the answer of the question we ask, we can begin to communicate.

Attempt to start on a level playing field. Ask what you do not understand. Ask without condescension and without agenda. Ask to know what is going on in your spouses mind. Seek to understand their perspective.

Another way to find common ground, a way that helps me and is in line with my belief system, is making prayer part of the equation. When I pray to understand my spouse, pray to hear what he says, pray for compassion for him and pray to be able to communicate my own thoughts, I find that things go better. I am able to shed my defensive walls and make my hurts more exposed. It becomes more of a place of trust and I am able to approach with humility.

All of these ideas make one assumption, however. They assume that you and your spouse are seeking to be a team, partners. These points do not work when one or both of you are attempting to have control or manipulate one another. If that is the case, I would recommend finding a marriage counselor to help balance the dynamic in the relationship to be in a healthier place.

I know this season is difficult. Tensions are high and passions run hot. It is possible to disagree and come to some type of compromise. However, this depends on your ability to approach your spouse with empathy and understanding. When you understand the “why” behind their “what”, the core of the issue can be discussed without hiding behind current issues. This gives birth to a new kind of intimacy – one where mutual respect and knowledge pave the way to better comprehension.

Listening and evaluating,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

anger, boundaries, emotion regulation, grief, home, isolation, Jealousy, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships

What Do I Say to My Kid When…..I Have Emotions

Posted on October 5, 2020October 5, 2020 by themommytherapist

We have moved recently. My husband preceded the family to our new home and I was left to manage two kids, a dog, a PUPPY (see the grimace), pack a house, transfer my clients, and say goodbye to my closest family and friends. Cue the overwhelmed, head in the pillow, scream. Handling life, especially when it is complicated (like always), can be difficult. There were moments of crying from the sheer immensity of the task ahead.

Trying to navigate the world of emotions while parenting, can cause us to either stuff feelings or lean on our children for support. Neither are healthy for them or us. It is important for children to see emotions and notice positive coping skills. They do not need to live in a “safe” world where Mom and Dad are never frustrated, sad, anxious or angry. They also do not have shoulders big enough to help carry our burdens. How can we find a balance?

COMMUNICATE IN AN AGE APPROPRIATE MANNER

It is important to be honest with our children. They see more than we would like to admit and experience the atmosphere of our homes. Our faces tell them when we are having difficulty with our day or our situation. If they ask about our tears and we insist that nothing is wrong, we not only lie to them, we invalidate emotions in general.

It is important to give age appropriate responses. This could be saying, “I am really sad and I miss my friends back home” rather than “I am lonely because I do not have friends.” The simple version does not overwhelm little ones with the big emotions and does not give them a problem they need to “fix”, i.e. no friends. As kids get older, the words can be more complex, but it is vital to keep them from feeling as though they have to change your circumstances or make your feel better. This bleeds into the next point.

MODEL APPROPRIATE COPING SKILLS

As I spilled the millionth item in my kitchen, I grunted in frustration and then took some deep breaths to avoid screaming or hitting my counter. You know who that impacted the most? My son. He was able to witness Mom using deep breathing to calm down just like she encourages him to do all the time.

It helps to call attention to the use of positive or negative coping. I admit, I yell at my kids sometimes. I hate that I do it. I do not want to do it. But it slips out. The fact that I yell is less impactful, than the fact that I apologize. I tell my kids I am sorry and I reflect on the negative coping that I utilized. This helps to normalize the mistakes of negative coping and recognize that there are better methods to dealing with emotions.

SEEK APPROPRIATE SUPPORT

It can be tempting to utilize children as emotional gas stations. We are sad and need a hug? Ask a child. We need some affirmations? Ask a child. However, that is a manipulation of the parent/child relationship. They do not exist for our emotional fulfillment. When we begin to rely on them, we fail them as parents and we cease to be a healthy place for them.

We need to have others that we can rely on. A spouse is an important confidant. However, there needs to be at least one more. When you are fighting with your spouse? You need to have some you call. Ideally, it is someone that can remain objective, someone that has no ulterior motives and someone that can help be both encourager and devil’s advocate. Someone that is trustworthy. Complaining about your spouse to the co-worker you secretly find attractive? Maybe not the best idea. Processing disagreements with a person that can provide sound counsel and keep things confidential? Much better.

It can be hard to find reciprocal relationships where support is provided. If you are in a more isolated stage and no one can be reached by phone? It is ok to use a professional. It is why mental health professionals are so helpful. Utilize someone that is trained to explore your difficult emotions, rather than using your child as that sounding board while they are still children.

Emotions are natural. Emotions are necessary. Recognizing emotions and navigating them well, is a skill that we must impart as parents. When we are struggling, it can be so difficult to parent with healthy boundaries through that process. However, being able to see a parent struggle, cope and emerge on the other side of hard things, can set a child up for not only a stronger internal identity, but ensure they experience an atmosphere of stability.

Emoting all the time,

Allyson

motherhood, parenting, relationships

Let’s Talk About Faith, Baby

Posted on September 28, 2020September 27, 2020 by themommytherapist

Disclaimer: This post references my personal Christian faith and religious practices. However, it is not intended to be exclusive to those who identify as Christians. It is my hope that the content of this post is relatable and inclusive to folks of various religious and spiritual backgrounds.

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak, but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so

Most people who have spent any time in a church or around Christian people have probably heard the song, “Jesus Loves Me” at some point in their lives. This song is known for being sweet, simple, and reassuring. It is a reminder that we are loved, we are protected, and we belong. For Christian folks who believe in Jesus, it is a personalized love-song often sung throughout their lifespan, beginning as early as infancy. I recall this song being sung to me when I was a young child, and I recall singing it in years past to my own son as I rocked him to sleep each night. As a child, this song provided me great reassurance of love, protection and belonging. As a parent, I prayed that my son would experience that great reassurance too. And, while I could still cradle him in my arms, I truly believe he experienced just that.

Faith and spirituality have been core-values of mine for many years, and my husband shares them as well. My husband and I met in college, and at the time, we both strongly identified with the Christian faith. We even co-hosted an alternative-Christian radio show on our college radio station. Our shared faith and spirituality became foundational as our friendship blossomed into a dating relationship and, finally, a marriage. It remained critical to us as we navigated the early years of our marriage, a pregnancy and the birth of our first and only child. It brought us through many highs and lows and anchored us in times of uncertainty. For both of us, faith and spirituality have served as a source of strength, peace and purpose; and we wanted to ensure that our son had access to the same.

Once our son was born, we were diligent about praying and reading the Bible to him daily. Even when he was a newborn, we read a Bible with simple illustrations and text designed especially for infants and toddlers. We brought him to church services, worship events, social gatherings and volunteer activities regularly. We enrolled him in vacation bible schools, observed Advent at Christmastime and held weekly devotionals together as a family. These types of activities have consistently been a significant part of our family for the duration of our son’s decade (and counting) of life.

Recently, as I was driving my son home from school, he initiated an important conversation with me. He asked if he could talk to me about church. Immediately, my heart sunk. Did something happen to him? I wondered.

I was relieved to find that he wanted to discuss his thoughts on church and, ultimately, faith and spirituality. I watched as my growing boy navigated through fear to express his thoughts to me honestly. I sensed his anxiety as he disclosed his perspectives, understanding that they did not all totally align with my own. I felt the weight of the moment, knowing that this was a crucial point in our relationship. I knew that his decision to be vulnerable with me was a risk and that my response could impact our relationship moving forward.

To be honest, I had mixed emotions during our conversation. Was I disappointed? A little. Anxious? Yes. We raise our children in hopes that they accept our values and integrate them into their own lives as they grow up. We teach them about our faith and expose them to our spiritual practices in hopes they might adopt them as their own. However, I was also struck by my son’s courage and grateful for the trust that existed between us, allowing this moment to happen at all. And, this superseded any disappointment or anxiety I was feeling and compelled me to listen, learn and support my child.

I think about other people who have different thoughts or expressions of faith and spirituality from myself, including other Christian believers. These are some of my closest friends and family members. I think about important conversations I have had with these folks, consisting of similar riskiness, vulnerability and shared trust. Each time one of these conversations occurs, particularly about faith and spirituality, I feel so humbled and honored to share such depths of our beings. In these moments, I am not concerned with converting but with connecting.

As parents, we can become hyper-focused on the expectations we have for our children. Of course, it is quite reasonable have hopes and dreams for our children as well as certain behavioral expectations intended to guide their development. However, when these expectations obstruct relational connection, parents may want to consider reevaluating their why.

Upon having this conversation about faith and spirituality with my child, I realized that my why is a muddled mix of love and fear. Lovingly, I want my child to experience the reassurance of love, protection and belonging I mentioned earlier. Fearfully, I want to control the trajectory and outcome of his life. Watching as he slowly outgrows the simplicities of childhood, I am reminded how little control I truly have.

It is often said that love and fear cannot coexist. In Life Lessons: Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler write, “It’s true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it’s more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They’re opposites. If we’re in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.” They continue by explaining we must continually choose one or the other, especially when our commitment to love is challenged. Kubler-Ross and Kessler remind us, “Everymoment offers the choice to choose one or the other.”

Every moment.

I hum “Jesus Loves Me” and read through the sweet, simple lyrics again. I am choosing love. I feel the twinge of fear, worrying about my son’s outcome. Little ones to Him belong. I am choosing love. I feel reassured by my faith, comforted that all of humanity is loved. I am choosing love. I feel another twinge of fear, worried about my son’s outcome. Little ones to Him belong. I am choosing love.

Crystal Loup

emotion regulation, goals, home, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcare, selfcompassion, Uncategorized, values

Mom Guilt

Posted on September 7, 2020September 7, 2020 by themommytherapist

Mom guilt is a very real phenomenon. Often, no matter the influence, no matter the intent, no matter the action, parents second guess their parenting decisions. Mom guilt can motivate us towards change, or it can be a destructive, shaming rabbit hole that leads to paralyzing self-condemnation.

These two extremes are present in our lives, but often have more subtle nuance. For example, I awoke at 3:00 AM one morning and rode the rabbit hole of destructive mom guilt for about an hour before I was able to succumb to sleep again. The concern behind this spiral? Whether my four year old was getting enough active time.

My evidence? We moved into a smaller house so he cannot run around as much inside, we haven’t been to the park very much and he’s currently not in a pre-k program to encourage activity with his peers.

The verdict? I was a horrible Mom that was not doing enough.

Terrible? Yes.

Unhelpful? Definitely.

Unreasonable? Completely.

The direction that mom guilt often projects us into, is one that is not productive for our emotional health, mental health, or parent/child relationship. Here are a few ways to battle against this minefield when it rears its ugly head. Ways to combat the worst ever game of wack-a-mole.

MEASURE AGAINST REALITY

As I wrestled with the trial of my parenting that 3:00 am had brought me, I was slow to come to my own defense. I hammered myself with the failings I supposedly contributed to, but I did not present the case that we are a newly transplanted family. I began to chronicle the various accusations and hold them up to reality.

A smaller house? Yes, but living somewhere that would provide more bearable weather to endure outside play time.

Infrequent park trips? The weather had been in the triple digits. That’s not healthy for anyone.

Not in a pre-k program? We have lived in our new town for about a month.

Being able to invite reality into our emotionally elevated headspace, can be difficult, but it is vital. We are often our own worst enemy, but doing accurate self-reflection is important. We can see ways we are not meeting our own realistic expectations and make plans to correct our behavior. It can also give us a reprieve when the spiraling mind is being irrational and intensely vindictive. I would also not recommend having those moments in the early moments of the morning. News alert: Your brain is definitely not being rational.

MEASURE WITH A FRIEND

We all need someone with which we can be vulnerable and accountable. Someone that will offer us some reality with love. This can be correction if we are not living up to the needs of our children or guiding us toward better reality testing if we have gone off the rails.

I must insist on something, this CANNOT be a social media account. Reality testing cannot be done through the highlight reel of Instagram. All parents look like rockstars if they choose to on this platform. All rooms cleaned, multiple activities for the children and they are rocking this homeschool thing. Can this be done? Maybe. Everyone has their own strengths.

These honest conversations can be held with someone that knows your strengths, can call you to be the best parent you can be and will not prompt you to do more crafts with your kids if that’s not your thing. We talk about a mom tribe, but more important than a mom tribe is that one friend that will be a taste of rational thinking when the tornado begins.

MEASURE YOUR MIND

One of our greatest weapons when dealing with errant thoughts? A similar tactic we use with toddlers. Redirection. Spiraling about how few clean clothes your family has while you are doing laundry? Put on some music. Put on a TV show. Call a friend. Derail the thought train, because there are no helpful depots along the track. Thought stopping is a great way to combat anxious rumination and depressive spiraling.

Sometimes it helps treating your mind like a tantruming child. Check for hunger, exhaustion, need for a moment alone and then find something different to focus on. It needs to be something that can consume your mind, so not necessarily only an action but also something that you enjoy. Find a way to make yourself laugh, yell at the dishes and then sing your favorite Hamilton song (“Work, work! Angelica! Work, work! Eliza! And Peggy! The Schuyler sisters!” is my go to).

The self-flagellation that often is the result of mom guilt is very unproductive. It cripples the joy that comes from parenthood and wraps every event in the “not good enough” cast-off clothes. We deserve better treatment from our minds and our children deserve better parenting motivation. You do not struggle with this beast alone. Speak up, share concerns and allow others to speak into that rabbit hole. When spoken out loud, lies often scatter like bugs exposed to sunlight. Unproductive mom guilt lingers long after the problem area has been resolved and growth has begun.

Letting in the light,

Allyson

back to school, comfortzone, coparenting, goals, home, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcompassion, social distancing, Uncategorized, unprepared

When School Comes Home

Posted on August 31, 2020August 30, 2020 by themommytherapist

Is everyone tired of the word unprecedented? 2020, I’m looking at you!

So, let’s try something different. How about remarkable? Is that annoying?

Remarkable means worthy of attention, striking. Unprecedented, in contrast, means never done or known before.

What if we did an exercise in reframing? Maybe 2020 with all its unprecedented remarkableness could be an invitation? Instead of putting so much focus on the unknown, we could remember what we do know and pay attention to it. Please don’t hear me downplaying the difficulty and grief of all that we are encountering – some to degrees beyond my comprehension. What I am simply saying is that we have the ability to choose our focus. We can remember what we know instead of all the things we don’t. Everything doesn’t have to be unprecedented.

Most of us know how to love our kids and meet their needs in ways that no one else can. Many of us are looking at a year that could include the word homeschool. Just saying it may cause you anxiety. I’d like to offer some reassurance and hope. It might not be easy, especially for those who are trying to juggle a full-time job, but it doesn’t have to be terrible. This could be an occasion to understand parts of your child’s education experience that you hadn’t previously and an avenue for deeper connection with them. This is true whether you are actually doing the homeschooling yourself – as in choosing their curriculum and teaching it, or whether you are helping facilitate their online learning. This year doesn’t have to be a drudge.

We are on our eighth year of homeschool. It has been wonderful and winsome in so many ways, but I wouldn’t use effortless as a descriptor. There are humans involved. It’s the push and pull every day. Our wills rub up against each other. Homeschooling has allowed me ample opportunity to instill larger lessons in my children that I’m still learning too. Oh, don’t worry, I know how to add and subtract and I can tell you a fair bit about the Enlightenment. What we are working on together is patience, grace, self-discipline, and so many other things that we fail and try again at every day.

Our culture by in large has reduced education down to the insertion of knowledge, but without wisdom knowledge is anemic. Wisdom is cultivated through love, compassion and humility. Wisdom is the framework of values that knowledge rests upon. It is taught most effectively as it is modeled. As parents, we are uniquely capable of giving these things.

So, don’t fret about creating the perfect school setting at home. Don’t stress over choosing the perfect curriculum. Do the best with what you have in front of you, and trust the one who created education to guide you as you seek to teach or help teach. Be diligent, but rest in His faithfulness and delight in the present. Julie Bogart says in her book The Brave Learner, “Connect to your children. The academics matter, but they follow. Your children’s happiness and safe, supportive relationship with you come first. Believe it or not, your children are happiest when they believe you are delighted by them.” And I would add that when they are happiest, their mind will be most open to learning. So, just stick with what you know. Love them well and nourish their imaginations. Block out the voices that are tempting you to make it more complicated or feel less than capable.

A reminder to all of us – education is a lifelong adventure. In its truest form it begins in wonder and ends in wisdom. Take a deep breath and notice the wonder around you. And in the words of St. Jerome, “It is our part to offer what we can, His to finish what we cannot”

Grace and Peace to you this school year, I hope it’s remarkable!

Amy

PS – I highly recommend the podcast Read Aloud Revival. Enjoying books together is one of the easiest ways to learn.

Amy Spencer has been married to Ryan for 21 years. They have five boys ages 13-3. She dabbles in interior design and enjoys studying history. As you can probably understand, she never uses the restroom without checking the seat first.

back to school, comfortzone, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, goals, grief, home, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, summer, Uncategorized, unprepared, values

Ch-ch-changes

Posted on August 3, 2020August 2, 2020 by themommytherapist

Change is always inevitable. As the saying goes, “the only thing constant is change.” That is more true in these tumultuous times than ever. As I type this post, I sit in a home with unpacked boxes and blank walls. During the craziness of a pandemic, my family has moved across state lines. More unsettled emotions and more disruption to routine await my children.

It is important to focus on ways to support our children and give them stability amidst uncertain times. As we have previously discussed, their emotions are weaving through anxiety, grief, and confusion. The presentation of these feelings may come out sideways, but there is no question that they are struggling. School is uncertain and friendships are suffering from lack of time together. Here are a few ways to ensure our kids have what they need.

SET EXPECTATIONS EACH DAY

A way to reduce anxiety is to give the most information possible. As they wake up or join you for breakfast, remind them of everything on the agenda that day. It can include having a FaceTime date with a friend or relative, going to pick up groceries, spending time doing online school or even going on a walk. A few activities that you plan for the day or need them to accomplish, stated in a few bullet points.

This can allow them to have a method for marking the days. As days run together it can become distressing for a child that is used to lots of activity. If it is possible, plan the day with your child and allow them to insert a few items they would like to do or need to do. This can provide some feelings of control.

CREATE A SAFE SPACE

My son is a fan of enclosed spaces. Give him a tent or box and he enjoys himself. Having somewhere a child feels safe can go a long way to aiding their adjustment to change. This can be a corner of the house where they can listen to music, read or draw. Having their own space, again gives them feelings of control and a place to turn when life seems out of control.

Understanding their need for familiar things, and providing them time to seek out the comfort, you are validating their emotions and coping. It sets a healthy precedent for enduring upheaval later in life. It is also helpful to have a place of your own. Modeling healthy behavior aids in kids engaging that behavior.

SPEND INTENTIONAL TIME TOGETHER

How often this is possible, depends on your life stage. Working from home with school age children having to do distance learning? Maybe once a week. However, setting up some activity to do with your son or daughter can give them the extra attention they need. This does not need to be finishing a thousand piece puzzle and hours of work. It can be reading together, coloring together or building a blanket fort.

Kids love experiencing fun with their parents. They love finding ways to do things they know their parents are enjoying alongside them. It builds a foundation of security that lasts during times of uncertainty. Knowing that they have a way to connect with the most important people in their lives.

USE FEELING WORDS OFTEN

We spent the last two months focused on feeling words. On why they are important, how to cope and how to identify them. Revisit those if needed, its never a bad idea. Using feeling words when you are experiencing an emotion as well as identifying their emotions can give your relationships a common language.

Some examples are: “Oh, I see you are so frustrated.” “I am really angry that, that car cut me off. Please give me a minute to listen to music to calm down.” “I am a little confused about what is going on right now, it can be scary”. “It is ok to be overwhelmed with all the change.” One of the phrases I use to most is, “It is ok to cry, but not whine. It is ok to be disappointed.” All of these comments allow for emotional intelligence, modeling and beginning conversations. The more emotions are discussed, the less scary they are for little ones.

Change makes parenting difficult. It pulls and tangles our emotions and then we have to help our emotionally developing little ones navigate it as well. This season, that seems to last forever, is a tricky one. It begs for relief and we beg for stability. Let us find ways to be that stability for our children so they are able to cope effectively.

Growing through change,

Allyson

anger, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, grief, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcompassion, social distancing, summer, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry, but We Can’t: Navigating Disappointment

Posted on July 6, 2020July 5, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I know you wanted to do ________, but we can’t right now.” Sound familiar? I’m sure you’ve said it to your kids many, many times since March. If you’re anything like me, you’ve said it to yourself many times as well. My latest submersion in the pool of disappointment was Saturday. After coming in contact with someone that tested positive for COVID-19, my family went from limiting people interaction, to eliminating the interactions.

Celebrating a holiday in a more subdued manner is so sad. I love to celebrate and have a reason to do fun things that make a day special and different than an ordinary day. I decided, even if the day couldn’t be the hanging out at the pool and jumping into a large crowd to watch fireworks, at least I would treat myself to a milkshake. Of course, the shake machine was down at Sonic! I mean, come on! Disappointment radiated through my fourth of July.

As this pandemic continues, everyone is a little too acquainted with disappointment. How do we cope with this disappointment, and how do we help our kids navigate this emotion? It is especially difficult when you are disappointed for them. Your child was supposed to graduate, visit a theme park for the first time, have a birthday party, see the beach, or merely finish out the school year with their friends. Our hearts hurt when our children do not get to have the childhood we dream for them. Our hearts hurt even more when they express disappointment and we cannot change the circumstances. Here are a few points to consider:

RECOGNIZE DISAPPOINTMENT AS A PRIMARY EMOTION

When people, especially kids, experience disappointment, they often express it through anger. After all, it is more socially acceptable, and seen less as weakness, to explode in anger rather than dissolve into tears. When a child isn’t able to do something they prefer and they throw a tantrum, recognize the primary emotion.

Call attention to their feeling of disappointment, validate their sadness and their original desire. Recognize their anger as a protective reaction to a hope that went unfulfilled. We can all relate. Even small disappointments seem monumental to a child, even a teenager.

Those without their frontal lobe fully developed (anyone under 25) have some trouble regulating their impulses. They forget to utilize coping skills, and often do not want to regulate their emotions. When a feeling is validated and empathized with, the intensity often dissipates. Sometimes it is tempting to belittle the experience, or tell a child that they are over reacting. This moves us to the next point:

VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE

Just because you cannot understand the intensity does not mean it is an overreaction. They may not respond in a respectful manner, and that can be given consequences. However, the intensity they feel is partially due to age. Disappointment is new to them. In some ways, that is a positive reality. Some young people become desensitized to disappointment because it is their constant reality.

Being able to experience disappointment, means you allowed yourself to dream. Recognize the hopes, expectations and dreams that must have been held before the disappointment. Validate the emotion, discuss what was expected or hoped for and give them room to feel. This is a great way to model empathy. The same needs to be done for you as well. Acknowledge and feel your disappointment. Validate your own emotions and seek out those empathetic friends that will validate them as well.

Crying over disappointment can seem immature or being “overly sensitive.” But experiencing that depth of emotion can merely mean that you give yourself freedom to hope and plan and dream – something that adults often do not allow themselves to do. Teach your kids that having that freedom to experience disappointment is okay and actually a mark of healthy emotional expression.

MODEL AND TEACH HEALTHY COPING

When you give yourself permission to experience disappointment, you give your children an example of healthy emotional regulation. But you also give them a front row seat to witness healthy coping. If you had great hopes for a birthday and it does not happen, it is okay to express the disappointment. This may include a few tears, or just a glum expression. When they ask for an explanation, tell them how you feel. However, it is key not to stay there.

Feeling emotions are crucial for a healthy emotional life, but so is coping. We would not allow a teenager to mope for an entire weekend over a cancelled date, so neither can we. Express the emotion, process the emotion and cope with the emotion. This can be putting on some music, choosing a different task or merely engaging in some physical activity.

Some people cope best by processing the emotion with a safe person and as a result they are able to continue on with their day. Others people struggle to move past the emotion. That is where the distraction technique we utilize with toddlers can come into play. Distract yourself with something this is possible and will make your heart a little lighter. You favorite song, facetiming with a friend, listening to a comedian, watching a good movie, going on a walk, creating something or taking a bubble bath. Find something that helps you cope, allow your child to recognize that you are engaging in these coping activities. Work with them to find a few methods that help them as well. Having a list of helpful coping skills on the refrigerator might be very helpful during this time that is filled with more than normal disappointments.

This feeling of loss, of sadness, of missing something, is uncomfortable. However, if we suppress it and ignore it, it will come out in a maladaptive manner. More importantly is that we can teach our children to handle it the same way. Refusing to acknowledge disappointment may result in no more dreaming, only expressing anger or a temptation to belittle others that express disappointment themselves.

Remember, feelings aren’t wrong, they are valid. Feel them, express them, but also be intentional about coping with them as well. You can do this!

Moving through disappointment to the other side,

Allyson

Someone please find me a milkshake!

boredom, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, empathy, home, isolation, loneliness, parenting, summer

The Doldrums of Summer

Posted on June 29, 2020June 29, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I’m bored!”

Complaints of boredom almost always arise during summertime as kids adjust to idle days after months jam-packed with school, sports, and other activities. Now, as we are all moving through a summer in which our vacations, camps, and road trips have been cancelled or postponed and many of our plans changed or been put on hold, our kids are likely to encounter boredom more than ever.

It can be tempting as a parent to try to prevent boredom in our children, especially when our kids are asking us to try to solve the ‘problem’ of boredom for them. We want our kids to have access to enrichment and learning activities, to engage in team sports and learn how to play instruments. We love seeing our kids light up whenever they are being delightfully entertained and sometimes, frankly, we just need some time alone to work or rest.

However, parents should be slow to jump in and ‘fix’ boredom. There are many ways that we, as parents, can guide our children through their boredom and help them learn more about themselves while empowering them to emotionally regulate.

Try Connecting

The fact that our children usually come to us with the cries of their boredom is a clue that one of the reasons our kids get bored is because they are lonely. Sandi Mann, a senior psychology lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire in the U.K., describes boredom as a search for neural stimulation that isn’t satisfied. So much of a child’s learning comes from social interaction and our increased isolation during the time of COVID-19 has increased the potential for everyone, especially our kids, to be a little lonelier.

Try to listen to what kind of boredom your child is experiencing. If it sounds like loneliness, you might look for ways of connecting your kids to their friends more. Try a combination of ways to connect that can also ignite your child’s creativity, generosity, or kindness. Provide stationary, letters, and envelopes or help coordinate facetime phone calls between friends, even with younger children. It will still be meaningful even if the video call is short and distracted. If you have older kids, it is fine to have rules about socializing over screens that mimic your in-person rules, such as having to be in a common area while on a device and having a “curfew.”

Some children, younger kids especially, may simply need to feel your empathy and connection through their boredom. Normalize the feeling of boredom, listen to what they have to say, and help them problem solve. If you have time to play, certainly take the time to play. But connection will also happen through the simple act of taking the time to make eye contact, listen, and simply be with them. Kids rarely have “run out of things to do,” and instead just need a break to be with someone for little while.

Model Boredom

One of the most impactful ways that we can help our kids with their boredom is by engaging with our own. When we keep ourselves busy or distracted by screens, we start to lose our ability to move out of our own boredom. It is easy to drown out our boredom with podcasts, tv, and scrolling, but in the process we lose our ability to be creative in alleviating our own boredom and become dependent upon outside stimulation.

Boredom has been found to be a fount of both creativity and emotional processing. Dr. Mann states that, “Once you start daydreaming and allow your mind to really wander, you start thinking a little bit beyond the conscious, a little bit into the subconscious, which allows sort of different connections to take place. It’s really awesome, actually.”

When you are bored, your brain begins to do amazing things. It is the space in which your brain sets goals, assigns meaning to your past, and processes emotions. It is also the space in which we dream up new solutions to our problems. It is really tempting in this season of boredom, burnout, and uncertainty to want to check out at the end of the day (or even mid-day) and just numb out with some Netflix. But just like our other emotions, boredom communicates something important to us. If boredom is the unmet need for stimulation, then boredom, like hunger, is simply trying to get us to pay more attention to what we really need.

Just like with our kids, boredom can be delayed by constant entertainment, but that will just make creating stimulation for ourselves so much harder. We can model good mental fitness by allowing ourselves to get bored during the day. This can look like engaging in menial activity, practicing mindfulness, sitting and thinking, or even just putting away our screens.

Provide a Space for Exploring Boredom

Personally, the hardest part of allowing my kids to be bored is letting go of control. Younger kids learn better through concrete experiences so while a teen may find themselves lounging under a tree and getting lost in their thoughts during productive boredom, toddlers and preschoolers tend to be a little, erm, *messier.*

Create space, perhaps both inside and out, in which your kids can explore. Set up a drawing station or pull out some play dough. Dedicate a section of your backyard to dirty and messy play. Have a cache of puzzles, books, or other engaging activities on hand. Set a time everyday during which everyone has alone time in a space made special for them. When we give kids ways to constructively work through and process their emotions, including boredom, they are more likely to grow into adults with healthy emotional regulation.

Many of us are still finding ourselves in survival mode this summer, but boredom is one thing that we don’t need to run from. Let’s all lean a little harder into boredom and see what amazing things happen.

Being bored and brilliant with you,

Selena

Ducharme, J. (2019, Jaunary 4). Being bored can be good for you—if you do it right. here’s how. Time. https://time.com/5480002/benefits-of-boredom/

Kovelle, K. (2020, March 25). Boredom is OK! Here are 13 ways to help your kids embrace it. Metro Parent for Southeast Michigan. https://www.metroparent.com/daily/parenting/parenting-issues-tips/boredom-is-ok-for-kids/

Zomorodi, M. (2017, April). How boredom can lead to your most brilliant ideas [Video file]. Retireved from https://www.ted.com/talks/manoush_zomorodi_how_boredom_can_lead_to_your_most_brilliant_ideas?language=en

empathy, Jealousy, motherhood, parenting, values

When Life Isn’t Fair

Posted on June 22, 2020June 22, 2020 by themommytherapist

“Life isn’t fair!” How many times did you hear those words as a child? It probably provided little comfort or reassurance in the moment even though it’s true. Oftentimes when life isn’t fair, we experience an array of emotions including jealousy.

Jealousy is an emotion that can cause humans to act in ways incongruent with who they are or their value system. Jealousy leads toddlers to steal the coveted toy from a friend, kids to make fun of others for a talent, teenagers to pick apart each other, and adults to gossip or harbor bitterness. We have all experienced jealousy and will continue to experience it. Jealousy will happen. It’s what we do with that emotion that matters. How do we manage our own jealous feelings in a way that makes us feel proud of who we are and teach our children to do the same?

There’s a workbook I use in my practice called What to do When It’s Not Fair: A Kid’s Guide to Handling Envy and Jealousy by Claire Freeland. The theme of the book centers on pirates, and it encourages kids to put down their “spyglass” looking for other’s treasures and focus on the treasure they already have instead. We often need to put down the spyglass scoping out what others have. We don’t want to model having a spyglass and being consumed with what others have. First because it makes us feel lousy inside, and second, because the feeling of jealousy followed by the jealous behavior of keeping score will likely be picked up by our children.

We all have triggers of what makes us jealous. Some are predictable, and others may catch us off guard. Our kids have triggers too. We are often quick to reprimand being jealous over another kid’s toy and remind our child of how many toys they have. However, it’s not much different when you see someone with a new handbag, phone, or car and feel jealous yourself. Try tapping into that empathy written about in last week’s blog to help your child through jealousy rather than dismissing their jealous feelings.

In Mercer Mayer’s book Just So Thankful, Little Critter’s mother reminds him of something children and adults alike need to remember. “‘There will always be things you want but you don’t have,’ Little Critter, she said. ‘What’s important is appreciating what you do have…’” Whether it’s the health of a child, behavior of a child, cleanliness of a house, appearance, affluence, influence, and the list goes on and on, we will be and our children will be jealous of what others have. Gratitude can help reduce the jealousy. Gratitude can boost our moods and keep us grounded.

At the end of the day, I want to raise children who experience jealousy and know how to cope with it. I want to teach them to manage that feeling instead of giving into every want they have to keep up with the Joneses because it’s easier for me and appeases them. As a parent, I value gratitude and want to raise grateful children rather than entitled children. I want to model gratitude over entitlement.

Consider the following steps to help you and your child navigate this week’s emotion.

Identify when you/your child is feeling jealous.
Normalize that jealousy happens/provide empathy to your child.
Put down the spyglass.
List what you are grateful for in your life/work with your child to do this.
Review that new things/seemingly perfect situations do not guarantee long-term happiness.
Be glad with others for what they have. It’s hard, but oh so, freeing!

Striving for joy and contentment,

Andrea

emotion regulation, empathy, parenting

Ouch, I Feel It Too

Posted on June 15, 2020June 15, 2020 by themommytherapist

This summer, we focus our attention on emotional awareness. In the weeks ahead, we will dissect individual emotions, explore their purpose, the way they manifest themselves in us and our children, helpful tools to handle each emotion, and ways to guide our children through their intricate characteristics. As I began to write out my thoughts about a common emotion experienced and mishandled by yours truly almost daily, I was confronted with a more foundational component to exploring these emotions that arise in response to our daily experiences and thoughts regarding our worth, our relationships, our desires, our dreams, and our purpose. Empathy. Without having the foundational value of caring how others are feeling, we can have the most keen emotional awareness, but not enjoy its benefits. We simply cannot expect to benefit from knowing our emotions, how to handle them, and what might cause them if we don’t have the ability to care about the emotional experience of others. The recent pandemic has reminded us that we were designed for connection. Our lives are intertwined in such a way that our emotions impact the emotions of others, and vice versa. Empathy is a key for understanding and navigating the interconnections of our emotional lives.
Empathy, the skill of caring what another person is feeling, is a challenge for everyone, including parents. It is easier to empathize for the mom who is dealing with a sick child or a friend who is caring for her sick parents, but when it comes to the mundane, every day emotions that our children are feeling, empathy becomes a much more difficult skill to implement. In all the demands of the day, addressing the ever-pesky anxiety, hurt feelings, or picky eaters can sometimes be overwhelming. We can be inclined to see our children’s emotions as barriers to the things we need to accomplish throughout our day. It can be tough to remember the intense sadness of losing something dear to us when the ratty, stuffed penguin goes missing. It can be challenging to care about the fear experienced over a bee buzzing when the fear that we experience as a parent has desensitized us to the fears of a child. Our child’s playground conflict may seem trivial when we have been yelled at by a boss or colleague. The emotions of others may be hard for us to understand, but failing to empathize leaves our loved ones feeling unloved, unheard, unvalued, and sends the message “You are not allowed to feel.” Relationships of any nature, whether spousal, social, professional, or parental, cannot thrive if we fail to practice empathy.
As we explore each emotion this summer, even if you are not prone to feeling that emotion, I challenge you to ask, “What must it feel like to experience those thoughts and emotions? How would I want to respond if that were happening to me? How would I need someone to come along side me if I were experiencing that?” I challenge you to really put yourself in the shoes of those that are in your life: those that you love dearly, those that irritate you to high-heaven, those that can hurt your heart a little easier. When you begin to understand how that might feel, take the time to tell them “ouch, I feel that too.”

Feeling with you,

Tiffany Raley, M.A.