Tag: parenting

Posted in coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, motherhood, parenting, social distancing, therapy

All the Feels: practicing emotion regulation in a time of uncertainty

Posted on by themommytherapist

All the feels.  All of them… or so it seems.  After the rapid changes, cancellations, social-distancing, decision-making, scrambling to meet work and school requirements, rushing to gather food and supplies that could be necessary, and facing potential loss of job and income, it’s normal to be left feeling all the feels.  This pandemic has left us all in uncharted waters.  And for many, that means responding to day to day life scenarios in less than helpful ways.  Tempers shorten, patience withers away, frustration boils over, grace is in short supply, and peace remains just out of reach.  When experiencing an influx of emotions, we must harness them and use them for the wonderful and helpful tool they are, lest they run amok and cause unintended damage.  

Emotions themselves are not bad, though they can often feel that way.  Emotions are intended to serve as a check-engine light for the soul.  When the check engine light appears on your car, you schedule a time for someone to take a look under the hood. To ignore it is to risk further, and much more costly, damage to your vehicle.  Emotions are our check-engine lights.  When they’re firing off, it’s time to take a look under the hood, lest we endure more costly and long term damage.  So what should you do when you notice your check-engine light is on? Ask yourself these three diagnostic questions to get things back on track. Free worksheets are available below to help guide you and your child through this process.

Adult Emotion Check-In Worksheet

Feelings Check-In Worksheet for kids

What are you feeling?  

You have probably experienced a plethora of emotions over the last week of rapid change and global concern.  Don’t leave the emotions swirling around unnamed.  Take a moment to tame your emotions by naming what you’re feeling.  By labeling a feeling, our emotional response is calmed and we gain control and insight to move forward. 

What are you thinking?  

Emotional reactions are most often a product of the thoughts we allow to take up residence in our minds.  Have you ever willed yourself to do or not do something? How did you do that? How did you create the inner determination to accomplish what you set out to accomplish?  You thought your way to it.  You changed your thought from, “I have to have that piece of cake,” to “I will not eat that cake.  I will not eat that cake.  I will not eat that cake!”  The same is true for any emotion.  They are born of our thoughts.  After you identify what you’re feeling, take a moment to investigate what thought gave birth to that emotion. 

What can you change? 

Now that you know the source of your feeling, you can more easily regulate your emotions by examining the thought. Once you’ve identified the thought, ask yourself, Is this thought true, helpful, realistic, and kind? If not, consider alternative thoughts or how you might modify the through so that is true, helpful, realistic, and kind. 

Taking the time to do an emotional check-in can make a dramatic difference.  If you notice yourself cringing at the thought of writing out your thoughts and feelings in this format, then I urge you: journal, draw, paint, talk to a friend (at least 6 feet away, for now), just find some way that allows you to regulate “all the feels” and navigate the waters ahead.  If you experience higher anxiety than most, it might be helpful to take breaks from media, your phone, and even thinking about the current pandemic.  Set times to break from the information when appropriate and enjoy your family, nature, or being creative.  Laugh and be active.  Enjoy the life that is yours today.

Navigating all the feels with you,

Tiffany Raley, M.A.

Resources

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. 

Bradberry, T. & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional Intelligence 2.0. San Diego: Talent Smart.

Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Random House. 

Posted in coparenting, counseling, divorce, home, parenting, values

Separately and Together

Posted on by themommytherapist

Those of you, who are single, separated, or divorced, we see you. We know that your parenting journey is likely complex. Your friends that are raising kids in a home with both parents may be supportive but cannot completely understand what you are going through. You have likely been through or are on an emotional roller coaster over the care of your children. Though it is impossible to cover every circumstance or situation when you are co-parenting with your child’s parent who you are not living with, it is possible to encourage you in a few areas for the benefit of you and your child.

Behind the Scenes Parenting

Communication is key to co-parenting from different homes so that your child is not placed in the role of the liaison between parents. If your child currently is the liaison, I would encourage you to remove him or her from this role as it can be so stressful on the child. If communication with your child’s other parent is less than ideal, I would encourage behind the scenes communication as much as possible so that the child is not experiencing heated conflict between parents. Communication between both parents can help a child feel connected to both parents and felt taken care of as they know both parents have knowledge of his or her needs and what is important to him or her.

When possible, it is great if both parents can be on the communication lists for school, extracurricular activities, appointments, and important events so that both parents are in the loop and the child knows this. Find a communication method that works best for you. Sometimes it seems like each text message, email, phone call or face to face interaction with the other produces a range of negative emotions. When this is occurring, take some time to regroup by yourself so you are not relaying this to your child.

Cut the Criticism

I preach this, and I know it is so hard! Please do not put down your child’s other parent in front of them. Children do not want to hear bad things about either parent even if it is true. That other parent is part of your child. Often times what one parent says about the other gets back to the other parent via the child, and this does nothing to help effective co-parenting.

I write this humbly as I am sure there are layers and layers of hurt and frustration behind those comments that are critical in nature. “Hurt people hurt people,” and I know you do not want to further hurt your child with the comments about his or her other parent. Please take the high road. This is a great area to work on with a counselor so that you do have a place to process all of that hurt and say those comments!

In the event that your child’s other parent is not in the picture because of abuse, neglect, or addiction, having an age appropriate conversation with your about the other parent’s choices/illness may be necessary. I would encourage you to seek the advice of a professional here.

Letting Go

It can be very difficult to have your child being parented in a way that is not your choice. If the way he or she is being parented at the other parent’s home is causing them distress, is abusive, is unsafe, or something is blatantly wrong, of course it is time to speak up. In some cases a mediator or attorney may be needed.  Generally speaking communication is needed to discuss values that you would like to see for your child in each home. Realistically, you cannot control the way the other parent parents, and you may do things completely different.

For the everyday things that you cannot control at the other home, like bedtime, dinner choice, screen time, and routine, I encourage you to let it go. Your mental health will be better for it. I know it is difficult, but consider letting one thing go this week. In the same fashion, stop yourself before reprimanding your child for not putting himself to bed a decent time if you know the other parent does not enforce a bedtime. You can encourage good choices, but it is never a good feeling for a child to get in trouble for something the other parent allows, like bedtime or screen time.

Advertise What You Agree On

Savor what you agree on with your child’s other parent. Be thankful for it! As it takes five positive interactions to cancel out one negative interaction, each time you can agree and make a joint decision, you are putting coins in the positive co-parenting bank.

Advertise what you agree on to your child. Knowing both parents are for and behind him/her can strengthen a child’s resiliency and enhance confidence. Here are some examples of advertising what you agree on.

“Your dad and I are so proud of your hard work at school this nine weeks.”

“Your mom and I support your decision to focus on more on baseball and not play basketball this year.”

“Mom and I were talking today about what good choices you have been making.”

“Dad and I are both seeing that you haven’t been yourself lately. We wanted to check in.”

I would encourage you to continue to run this race with perseverance leaning on the necessary supports: faith, family, friends, and hopefully a therapist. You are seen and your journey matters. Please remember that each day is a new day, and your relationship with your child is irreplaceable.

With kindness and humility,

Andrea

Posted in emotion regulation, motherhood, parenting, trauma

Hope in the Darkness

Posted on by themommytherapist

Trauma. Just the word evokes an array of emotions. You have your own feelings and thoughts when you hear this word. Darkness can and often does surround when trauma occurs. As parents we never want our children to experience any sort of trauma, and the idea of this can simply unravel of us.

I am not getting into any specific types of trauma in this post. If you have been following along in this series, you know we have defined types of trauma and how to heal from any trauma in your own upbringing or adult life. I aim to provide a clear path to help you be your best self if your child has experienced any sort of traumatic event.

OXYGEN

When we do not have enough oxygen, we cannot see clearly and are likely to only see the darkness. If you have ridden on an airplane, you know that the flight attendant directs parents travelling with small children to first place the oxygen mask on themselves then on the child in the event of an emergency. I never understood this growing up. It seems counterintuitive as parents seem to first think about their children. Bottom line if a parent does not have air, they cannot help their child. So put on your own emotional oxygen mask and breathe so that you can be there physically, spiritually, and emotionally when your child is hurting.

This will likely look like getting some professional help yourself in addition to getting professional help for your child. You may need extra support from family or friends. Taking care of yourself will mean doing the fun and stress reducing things to keep yourself afloat. We need these pleasant activities the most when we feel like doing these the least. So exercise, journaling, spending time with God, listening to music, art, or whatever may soothe you is needed.

THERMOSTAT PARENTING

When you are able to breathe, you can be present with your child. They may want to talk a lot. They may not want to talk. They may be avoidant or overly clingy. They may avoid expressing emotion or they may be very emotional. They are hurting and you are hurting, but you are doing enough to take care of you so that you can take care of them.

One of the hardest jobs as parents is to regulate our own emotions when our kids’ emotions are dysregulated. Picture yourself as a thermostat. It sets the temperature for the environment. It does not vary like a thermometer that simply matches the temperature of the environment. The more you can regulate like a thermostat, the more available you will be to your child. This does not mean that you cannot show emotion or have a meltdown. You may need to have a good long cry in private to feel better so that you can soothe them. Tend to your emotions individually and then tend to your child’s needs and feelings.

HOPE

I pray that you are not in a season of trauma and will not be, but if you are or you have a friend that is, do not lose heart. Do not lose hope. If I did not have hope and know evidence based practices to help people heal, I could not do my job. As a counselor, I see so much pain. Please know that pain can be worked on and through. Love your child, be present with them, and know that with your support and the right help they can be okay. The process of healing is a journey and takes work but is so worth the time put in.

As a Christian counselor, I often give clients Bible versus to meditate on. I will leave you with one that I have given to people who have experienced trauma. I hope that you can claim a verse or quote that will provide hope in your life too.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope in the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Hoping through the hurting,

Andrea

Posted in back to school, home, motherhood, parenting

Your Child’s Safe Place

Posted on by themommytherapist

Coming home from a long day can become a sigh of relief rather than a means to an end. A house shelters the body, but a home nourishes the soul. Let’s be honest. This world can be brutal. Coming home from work, or even the grocery store, can bring us to a place of exhaustion. The youth of today are learning to regulate emotion, navigate relationships, create boundaries, create an identity AND retain school information. How much more exhausting must their days be than our own? It is important to infuse the belief that home is a safe place. Home is a sanctuary. Yes, there is discipline. Yes, there are expectations. However, once they step through those doors, it is important that they feel the permission to exhale.

Consider establishing a plan to create this type of environment. Find one or more that can be encoded into the DNA of your family and make the place you live a home of respite for your children. 

UTILIZE THE SENSES

Our bodies are often more aware of our surroundings than our brain. Someone struggling with anxiety can attest to that fact. When a setting triggers a panic response, it can take the mind more time to understand the reason behind the concern. 

Growing up, this was something my mother did well and did intentionally. Due to my experience, I have adopted her habits. Piano music and scented candles create within me a sense of wellbeing that is hard to describe. The sounds and smells become a blanket of peace that wrap me in calm and ease away the day. It has become a signal of security for me, as well as my husband, since introducing it into my home. My hope is that it will instill that same reaction within my children.

Candles may give you a headache and you may detest piano music. That is ok. Find a way to engage the senses in a different way. Cooking might be your passion and those smells may become that signal for your family. Colors, bright and vibrant or neutral and soothing could speak the language of home to your household. Even the presence of a pet, can become a method of bringing someone into the atmosphere of calm. Find traditions that fit with your personality and the culture of your family, and engage it often. 

HAVE A ROUTINE WAY TO CONNECT

The drive home from carpool or the walk from the school bus may not be the best settings to communicate with your child. Sometimes giving them space, as Andrea reflected in “Morning Meltdowns and Afternoon Attitudes,” can be most helpful for them to begin recalibrating from the day. However, being intentional and listening to their input is important. 

Develop a method of connection. When something that works becomes tradition, the expectation of connection can be a lifeline for our children. Ways to begin this process could be family dinner, game nights, or craft time. It can be tailored to each child or something you do routinely, like cooking or eating a meal. Invite your kid to come alongside. Selena speaks to this as well in “Connecting in the Chaos.” Going through their homework assignments can become more about allowing them to process their day, rather than the task itself. A vehicle for connection that becomes a routine, can allow your family to be intentional, and build memories together.

DISCOVER YOUR CHILD’S LOVE LANGUAGE

Gary Chapman, a pastor and author from North Carolina, has written many books exploring the five love languages. I would recommend, “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Dr. Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D. as a method to explore the different ways children feel the most loved. These ways include physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and quality time. The presentation of these needs in children can look very different than adults. 

Speaking love and encouragement intentionally can become a shield that protects our sons and daughters from the negativity and indifference of those they face in school. When they know they have an advocate in us, they have a foundation of feeling “enough.” The expression of love that targets their specific heart, will bring rhythms of peace into the walls of your home.

Life will always be difficult and perilous to navigate, but we can give our children a refuge. The storm of grades, low self-esteem, disappointments, hurts, heart-break, confusion and expectations will be present, but as parents we must be a safe haven in the midst of the storm. If not our home, where will they go to find comfort?

Trying to keep the winds at bay,

Allyson Pitre

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in back to school, counseling, emotion regulation, parenting

Morning Meltdowns and Afternoon Attitudes

Posted on by themommytherapist

I truly hope your family’s back to school experience is consisting of melodious mornings and amicable afternoons! You know the ones with your kids enjoying breakfast together and playing outside after they have finished their homework. If your school year is starting off in a wonderful way, treasure it! However, for those of you who are already exhausted with school mornings and afternoons, this post is for you!

MORNING MELTDOWNS

Mornings can be hard for all of us. The waking up, getting it all ready, getting out of the door and where we need to be on time, and oh yeah, tending to the various emotions of our kids as well as our own. Mornings can especially exhausting when you have a child who is experiencing anxiety or anger about the school day. This can often trigger our own emotions leaving us feeling frustrated and hopeless as the day is only beginning. Here are some ideas to reduce and help you through morning meltdowns.

Structure Your Morning

If you, the parent, are overwhelmed, angry, anxious and stressed, these emotional states can certainly affect and almost be absorbed by your child. Prep the night before to reduce stress and rushing in the morning. Get up early enough to get yourself together and settled before meeting all of your kids’ needs. If you have a minute, do something to relieve your own anxiety. Exercise, devotional, and meditation are some morning stress reducers for me. Do your best to establish a set routine to create consistency and predictability, which can reduce stress for everyone.

Keep It Encouraging

Talk about things to look forward to in the day. If talking about the day causes too much anxiety for your child, talk about what you are looking forward to doing after school or on the weekend. Connect over getting ready or eating breakfast. There is nothing wrong with having an incentive if a child is really struggling with the back to school transition. In my family, we listen to uplifting music in the car, say a prayer for the day, talk about friends at school, set an incentive if necessary, and say, “You’re going to have a great day.”  

Make Space for Meltdowns

Mornings may be hard for your child. If they are, there is hope that they will get smoother with time and making some changes suggested in the above two sections. I would recommend not expecting a miraculous change when you wake up each morning though. If mornings are hard, anticipate it, know what you need to do to stay calm, and connect with your child through the meltdown. In The Whole-Brain Child (I highly recommend this book, by the way!) by Siegel and Bryson, they recommend the strategy of connect and redirect. Authors state, “When a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.” Connect with your child’s emotion and provide empathy first, then work on some logical ways to calm down.

AFTERNOON ATTITUDES

Afternoons can be unpredictable. You wonder what mood your child will be in after school and what their day was like.  You can get a great report from the teacher or their conduct sheet, and suddenly, when at home your child goes from being Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. What happened to the child who kept it together at school and is now talking back and crying? Talk about confusing! Here are some things to know.

After-School Restraint Collapse

Don’t take it personally or even disrespectfully if your child needs sometime to unwind afterschool and process their day.  Most of the time your kids work really hard to keep it together during the day so they don’t get in trouble with teachers or jeopardize friendships. When they are with you, all bets are off. You are safe. You aren’t going anywhere. I often refer to parents as the emotional punching bag, because you are a safe target. They can let those feelings out they have been bottling up all day. This is called after-school restraint collapse.

 It may come across as yelling or crying, but rather than shutting them down, try the connect and redirect approach with them. What you may learn is that they thought they did well on a test but didn’t, one of their friends stopped talking to them for an unknown reason, or something embarrassing happened in front of their whole class. Connect with their feelings and listen, then once the emotion has subsided redirect with some ideas to help them process feelings without using you as an emotional punching bag in the future. Expect that this after-school restraint collapse may be more prominent when the school year is starting.

Listen and Reflect in the Afternoon

Instead of bombarding your child with questions ask a specific question or tell them how glad you are to see them. Let them breathe. Often times we are well intentioned wanting to hear all about our child’s day but to them all of the questions feel pressure filled and like they are on trial. I know I wouldn’t like it if someone fired questions at me when I was trying to decompress from my workday. Once they are more relaxed and have time to unwind they may be more likely to talk about their day. If you have time to play with them, do something fun, or complete a task together as children may open up more in side-by-side tasks than conversation.

Journeying with you,

Andrea

For more reading on the after-school restraint collapse, check out this article:

https://www.mother.ly/child/if-your-child-falls-apart-after-school-theres-a-good-reason-why

https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/school-age/after-school-restraint-collapse-is-a-real-thing-heres-how-to-deal-with-it/
https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/school-age/after-school-restraint-collapse-is-a-real-thing-heres-how-to-deal-with-it/

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in motherhood, parenting

Edible Lessons

Posted on by themommytherapist

Recently, I had the privilege of being able to bake with my almost three year old son. As toddlers usually do, he had been resistant to doing anything that required him to stay still for very long. However, as we worked it struck me how many life lessons I was able to teach him in that brief interaction.

WORKING TOGETHER IS BETTER.

Teamwork and cooperation are ideas that kids struggle to grasp at early ages. Actually, many adults fail to grasp this concept ever in their life. The idea that anyone can contribute and the process can be more enjoyable working together, is something I want him to take to heart. Whether he is paired with others during a class assignment or later in a work project, I want to begin to instill the pleasure of working with others. 

IT IS OK TO GET MESSY.

He looked at me in horror as goops of dough plopped onto his footie pajamas. He saw in my laughter and shrug, that it was ok. There was no gasp or even insistence that we clean up immediately. I showed him my hands covered with the same goop and reminded him that getting messy is just part of the process.

MAKING MISTAKES HAPPEN, BUT WE DO NOT HAVE TO REACT WITH ANGER.

He spilled, and sloshed while he helped. Mom spilled and dropped things. He continually looked at Mom for a reaction. He is learning how to respond to situations based on how it is modeled for him. Sometimes I would get frustrated with myself for my clumsiness, a constant battle, but choosing to laugh it off rather than berate myself, teaches him about forgiving himself. Especially important since he inherited the clumsy gene!

TAKING TIME TO CREATE, CAN PRODUCE DELICIOUS RESULTS.

Learning to work for a desired result has become less common these days. Instant gratification can be easily communicated by my son’s question why we could not merely cook the muffins by microwave. I guess this speaks a little to some of my cooking methods. He had many bouts of frustration and whining while demanding his food. In these moments, we were able to talk about patience and the importance of waiting. Ultimately, he was able to  experience the positive effects of working for a result while eating his fresh baked good.

HE HAS SOMETHING TO OFFER.

Taking time to include him was a sacrifice. The baking took longer and more of a mess was made. However, it told him that he was important and could contribute to something Mommy was working on. He was able to feel valued by the quality time, the praise when he did something well and the end result of something edible. My attention told him that he is worthwhile.

These lessons can be communicated in a variety of ways. What is something you enjoy that you can do with your little one? 

Making messy memories, Allyson Pitre

Posted in counseling, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, summer

Uprooting Isolation

Posted on by themommytherapist

Isolation.  The feeling of being separated from others.  Have you ever stood in a room, completely surrounded, but aching with loneliness, discomfort, and an intense desire to connect?  I have.  And I think it is prevalent for moms, even in the moments that you have escaped from “nap jail” as a dear neighbor humorously commented to me.  Sometimes it is so difficult to connect – to know and be known by others.  Maybe it’s the fear of being judged for our frazzled mom appearance or our parenting habits.  Maybe it’s because we are just out of the loop and don’t know where to begin conversation.  Maybe it’s because we have spent all of our “energy bucks” on our family and can barely muster concern for the intricacies happening in the lives of others.  Whatever the cause, we must deal with the internal root of isolation. 

Isolation is a nasty weed that can grow from various root systems.  Recently we had a plant that we just could not get rid of in our back yard.  I cut it down… numerous times.  I poisoned it… numerous times.  And I complained about it a whole lot.  But the green bushy plant kept coming back.  It was relentless.  Nothing worked to get rid of this plant until we finally dug it up by the root.  I find isolation is very similar to this plant.  It digs deep.  And we can deal with all the impacts that grow above the surface, cutting it back every few months.  But until we address the root, isolation will return.  I have found that isolation, when present in my life, has a much deeper and widespread root system than what one might think.  When I feel lonely and the deep, aching longing to know and to be known, I can usually- if I have the insight and discipline to stop and reflect- identify a few of the roots that are contributing to the isolation. Here are just a few I’ve noticed in my life. 

1. Unresolved Hurt: Whether in friendships, community groups, marriages, or work relationships, stuffing emotions and avoiding real conversations about valid hurts affirm the harmful message within that connection is dangerous and not worth the risk and effort.  You teach to yourself the false message that you are not worthy of love and belonging. Full disclosure, this is a tough area for me.  It’s a vulnerable experience to give someone your heart and share how they hurt you (see below for my distaste for vulnerability).  Fearful of rejection, denial of harm, or being exposed for our own flaws, us mamas aren’t so great at confronting hurts in a gentle, respectful way.  Our kiddos must see this modeled and must learn how to navigate conflict when relational roads get bumpy.

2. Insecurity and Unwillingness to be Vulnerable With Others: In his book Caring for One Another, Ed Welch says, “Our pride resists being vulnerable.  Even more, if you have ever confided in someone and received comments that were hurtful or less than supportive, you might have decided on the spot never to let that happen again, which means that you keep your troubles to yourself.”  Our unresolved hurt and insecurities create a wall of self-protection  and we begin resisting the risks of being vulnerable.  It’s so hard to be vulnerable, to let others know you.  But friend, let me urge you, cannot know unless you are known.  Yes, vulnerability will inevitably allow others to get close enough to hurt you.  But it will also let the sweetness of companionship, support, and belonging to be known by you.

3. Unhealthy Standards and Expectations:  The final part to the root of isolation that has taken up residence in the yard of my life (cue the uncomfortable vulnerability) has been unrealistic expectations and idealistic dreams of what friendships should look like.  Only when I have abandoned the thoughts that all my friends should parent like me, live lifestyles like me, find the same humor funny, and spend money like me have I been able to enjoy the sweetness of friendship.  When I let that idealized picture of friendship go, I’m free to truly enjoy my friends’ differences, have meaningful conversations, and reciprocate vulnerability.  Friend, if we are unwilling to be authentic and vulnerable, we cannot expect others to be authentic and vulnerable with us.  Let people in, whether that be into the messiness of your heart or the messiness of your house.  Welcome people in to the mess of life and ask, “Will you sit with me here for a while?”

To be sure, you may find the root system of your isolation to be comprised of other factors: a move away from your family and support system, loss of a loved one, or circumstances outside of your control.  If you find yourself in this predicament, let me encourage you, there is healing in connection.  It takes bravery, energy, and planning.  But you are worthy of love and belonging.  Ask someone for help to dig that root up, and rid the isolation that is persistent in your life.  With equal importance, when you pass someone else’s yard of life and see the isolation growing out of control, offer to help dig it up.  The root of isolation, by its very nature, cannot be dug up alone.  I recently had a sweet friend of mine say to me, “Don’t let me isolate myself.”  We tend to do that, don’t we?  Don’t worry Mama, I’ve got my shovel.  

A few reflection questions for you to assist in digging up your root system of isolation:

How have you found yourself responding when hurt by others?  Do you move near to talk it out?  Or are you more likely to withdraw to avoid being hurt?

What are the insecurities that keep you from being authentic and vulnerable with others?  Who is a safe person you can be vulnerable with this week?

What are the judgements you pass on other friends?  How might you let that go so you can enjoy their differences and sweet fellowship with them?

In the mess with you,

Tiffany Raley

Posted in body image, motherhood, summer

SWIMSUIT SHOPPING

Posted on by themommytherapist

Okay, be honest.  Take a second to reflect.  What was the very first thought or image that came to your mind when you saw that dreaded phrase swimsuit shopping?  If you’re like me, you likely didn’t think happy thoughts about the beautiful body you have been given.  The body that held the precious children who are currently making a fuss.  Your mind probably didn’t drift off into a daydream about how much fun you are going to have at the destination that prompted the swimsuit mission.  No, if you’re like me, your thoughts jumped ahead to the event you will attend in your swimsuit, dreading being around women that you have defined as better looking and thinner.  This is such a struggle, and it should not be so. 

Our bodies, though magnificent, were not designed to be eternally beautiful, according to the world’s definition of beauty.  To compare ourselves to other body types that we deem more beautiful is a torturous endeavor.  So, what can we do with the intense feelings of disgust, shame, inferiority, and inadequacy we so often feel?  Here are seven steps you can take to reshape your thinking. 

  • Name what you are feeling.  

Our behavior is motivated, our relationships impacted, and pursuits are determined by our emotions.  The gift of emotions are intended to protect us emotionally and physically, but unidentified emotions are often a breeding ground for destructive thought patterns and actions.  When we take the time to explore and name what we are feeling, our emotions are restored and made to serve the end for which they were designed. 

Ex: “I feel disgusting and inadequate when I stand on the beach.”

  • Notice the sensations in your body. 

Many times we may not think we are feeling anxious or angry or sad. But our bodies have a tell.  It may be a dull ache in your stomach, tingles in your hands, or tension in your shoulders.  One way or another, your body will reveal when there is something going on beneath the surface.  Learn your body’s tells and leverage your physical reactions for the sake of your mental health. 

  • Identify what you are thinking. 

Emotions are not born in a vacuum.  They stem from an internal narrative, thoughts we may not even be aware exist.  When negative feelings arise in seemingly inappropriate situations (i.e. shopping for a swimsuit), there’s a good chance some unhealthy thoughts are happening deep within us. For instance, swimsuit shopping may trigger the unhealthy thought, “I won’t look good in a swimsuit.” This line of thinking misses the mark in that it assumes that the purpose of your body is to appear outwardly attractive. This is simply not so. 

Preach truth to yourself, replacing distorted thoughts with thoughts that ring with truth.

Once you’ve recognized the unhealthy thoughts that race through your mind, replace that thought with truth. For example, instead of allowing your mind to dwell on the thought, “I won’t look good in a swimsuit,” remind yourself, “My body is amazing. It has gone through so much and has sustained life for my children,” or “My body has fulfilled its purposes well,” or “My body, no matter the flaws, can still enjoy the beach, make memories, and love my children the same.” Personally, the truth that sustains me during swimsuit season and in this season of postpartum is a result of my faith in Christ. Because I believe that my body is fearfully and wonderfully made, and that my body serves a purpose outside of just being sexually attractive to the public eye, I am able to see my body as a beautiful gift that was created as a vessel to care for others.

  • Be vulnerable with others.  

Don’t keep your angst tucked inside.  Share your thoughts and feelings with others.  Break the shame cycle by confiding in a trusted friend about your intense feelings and encouraging one another in the journey

  • Contribute to your health.  

If your weight or unhealthy habits are contributing to your unhealthy thinking, make the necessary changes that will tune your mind to thinking in terms of health rather than outward beauty.

  • Limit your exposure to unrealistic ideas of body image.  

If you are feeling shame about your body, it may be wise to decrease the time that you take in media that idolizes beauty, size, and unhealthy thinking about women’s bodies.

Okay, so I need to change my thinking and beliefs about my body.  What does this have to do with motherhood?  Tell me this, are you able to respond gently, lovingly, and in the best interest of your child when you feel insecure, inadequate, and undesirable?  Are you able to reflect a beautiful marriage when you are more concerned about the other women on the beach than you are about pursuing intimacy with your spouse?  Are you able to be present and enjoy your kids when you are trying to make sure your flaws are covered up?  Are you able to reflect to your daughter the beliefs and body image you hope to instill in her?  Would you be okay if she thought about herself the same way you think about yourself?

This is tough.  But you can be comfortable in your body.  You are beautiful and you are designed to enjoy this life and intimacy with others.  Don’t allow unrealistic standards keep you and your family from enjoying life.

Tiff

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.