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What I Learned While Sick With Covid

Posted on December 28, 2020 by themommytherapist

I write to you from the weakness and discouragement that only sickness can bring. Our household was unfortunate enough to be stricken with this awful virus over the holidays. It is uncomfortable and distressing, provoking anxiety at every turn. Our experience has not resulted in hospitalization, thankfully. However, there are still some things that I have realized through parenting in the midst of “the Rona.”

I NEED MY CO-PARENT

My husband received the dreaded positive test result first. After exposure, we hoped against hope he didn’t contract it. He wore a mask and stayed six feet apart. However, after the test, it hit him like a truck. I felt some pity, some compassion and some dread.

We decided he would quarantine to hopefully spare our Christmas plans. Anyone with a sick spouse can tell you how difficult it can be. I felt like a hotel employee providing room service sometimes. I would leave food at the door and knock to let him know it was there. All this on top of parenting two active kids, plus two dogs (but I digress).

I began to notice as he emerged from his sick bed, how much his presence gave me extra dose of energy. Just knowing he could provide backup, was so helpful. It changed my mood in a noticeable way. I think he appreciates this truth being reiterated from my experience. I try to remember to be grateful for him in the midst of parenting together rather than resent it when he isn’t present.

I WISH I PARENTED WITH MORE GRACE WHILE SICK

While writing this, I needed to apologize to my four year old. I. am. tired. The contagious period is coming to a close, but the exhaustion is real. My patience is nonexistent. I am having many many conversations with my kids about frustration and positive coping, both pointing it out when I do it well and when I do not.

Parenting while sick is the struggle stay at home parents have to handle. It is miserable and often kids feel the brunt of it. Plus, with parental expectations, like limiting screen time, it is so difficult. Sometimes I put a movie on, but it always left me feeling guilty. New flash, an occasional movie day is OK. Do I know this? Yes. Do I believe it is ok for me? Apparently not. The double standard is obnoxious. My sister lovingly pointed out that it was “maybe better to have them watch a movie that having to deal with not yelling.” I hate when she’s right.

PERSPECTIVE MATTERS

I have been so grumpy. From feeling bad, but also from self-pity. I love Christmas. I think it is magical. This year? I wanted to light my tree on fire. I refused to listen to Christmas music and couldn’t get myself to watch the cheesy movies. I didn’t even wrap presents. I love wrapping presents.

Now. It is important to feel emotions. To let yourself be sad and disappointed and angry. But DON’T STAY THERE. I did though. I wanted to sulk and stew and be Scrooge. Who did that hurt? Mostly me. On Christmas night, I finally engaged in what I knew would help. Gratitude. There is so much for me to be thankful for right now! Naming those things, not to mention the reason we celebrate Christmas, enabled me to change course.

I am still not happy that I missed time with family that traveled to my town. That was brutal. BUT, I will be able to see them again. It is so helpful to look at my kid’s faces with gratitude rather than frustration that they need Mom to Mom while she is feeling awful.

Covid brain is a real thing, so maybe this post doesn’t make sense at all. But maybe it does. I wanted you to benefit from my experience. It seems that most of what I learned can be wrapped up in the bow of gratitude. It is a skill that is difficult to learn, harder to practice and cannot be done accidentally. It all comes back to perspective. That is my word for the year 2021. When I adjust my perspective, I find my parenting experience changes.

Begrudgingly (sometimes) grateful,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

boundaries, emotion regulation, empathy, home, motherhood, parenting, relationships, Uncategorized

What do I say to my kid, when love seems to hurt

Posted on November 30, 2020November 29, 2020 by themommytherapist

My husband stood holding down my son as he screamed, “Mom! You’re hurting me!” We were both sweating and crying. He was squirming and probably thinking I was terrible, because (in his mind) I was the one causing him harm. Was I torturing my son? No. He had a splinter. Attacking a constantly moving hand with tweezers while your victim, I mean patient, struggles is horrible.

I needed to take out the splinter, causing a small amount of pain, to avoid him experiencing more lasting and damaging pain. As parents, we have to endure this phenomenon of being the “bad guy,” who is actually protecting them, very often. Causing your child pain is the worst part of parenting, whether it is for their health, consequences to teach appropriate behavior, or saying “no” when they demand you say “yes.” Remembering that sometimes their immediate discomfort, or sometimes pain, at our hand is an investment in their development as a kind, persevering member of society is important. Here are a few more thoughts.

CREATE EXPECTATIONS BEFORE EVENTS OCCUR

One boundary we will set with our children, as did my parents with me, is limited homes where sleepovers are allowed. It can make kids scream and cry and sometimes feel left out. However, with my husband’s, who is also a therapist, and my experiences with clients we are very intentional about our children being in vulnerable positions with people we do not know well.

We will not wait until the sleepover fever of elementary school days begin to share our boundary with our children. Whenever sleepovers are mentioned in books, life or movies, it is going to be a constant conversation. This way, it is seen as a known expectation and not as a punishment or “trying to ruin their life” as some teens dramatically insist of their parents.

As children get older, it can also be helpful to share the reasons behind the boundary. It needs to be age appropriate, but this can help avoid the recipe for defiance and dishonesty resulting from an authoritarian response of, “because I said so!” When children know there are boundaries and that those boundaries are intentional, it can be easier for them to accept them.

FIND YOUR VALUE OUTSIDE OF YOUR CHILDREN’S OPINION OF YOU

The more you parent, the more you will receive all types of resistance from your children. They will not like you at times throughout their childhood and teenage years. We love our kids and want everyday to be one where they know their needs are met and greet us every moment with hugs. However, more often we will be on the receiving end of an “I don’t like you” or “go away.” With toddlers, their dislike is sometimes communicated through the silent treatment or their preference for the other caregiver. Our emotional needs will NEVER be met by our children. I repeat, our emotional needs will NEVER be met by our children. If we look to them to be our comfort or validation, it will cause major problems.

Children know when someone’s expectations of them is too much. They cannot be our supports and it does harm them. They may sense our distress at times, and that is ok. We need to have other ways to receive comfort. Our children need to know that whether they are a jerk to us, or not, our relationship with them is unchanging.

When our kids do not meet our emotional or physical expectations, such as being unkind, disobedient, or uncooperative, it is important to treat them with continued care. There is no need for silent treatment or no passive aggressive comments. Do not withhold loving actions, be sure to speak to them with kindness, and give them consequences when they misbehave. These actions will be the greatest lesson they will learn. They are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions.

ALLOW YOUR CHILDREN TO EXPERIENCE CONSEQUENCES

The biggest indicator I have seen of a child’s future, is how their parents handle their failures. This can be failure to comply with parental rules, school expectations, or even laws. Parents want their children to have a happy life, free of pain and difficulty. If we intervene to rescue our kids, they will never take responsibility for themselves.

In these situations, the dialogue will become strenuous. It will become more difficult to persevere when they beg for “help.” However, if we begin the cycle of keeping them out of “trouble” when their actions are deserving of the “trouble,” they will begin to experience entitlement.

Did they forget to turn in an assignment? Allow them to receive the low mark. Did their tardiness become excessive and they miss out on a field trip? Do not talk the teacher into “letting it go.” When they have earned the punishment, it is our job to help them cope, not help them avoid.

Remind them of their actions and their knowledge of the consequence. Allow them to be frustrated, disappointed, devastated, or angry. They may insist you betrayed them, or they hate you, but their immediate discomfort will protect them from a pattern of dishonesty. Speak to them in a loving manner, do not withdraw your love due to their actions. Persevere.

Perseverance is the mantra of parenthood. There is nothing easy about loving and guiding children into adulthood. Frequently, our love will be their “enemy” and we will experience the backlash. However, it is re-breaking the bone so that it might heal well.

Persevering alongside,

Allyson

Uncategorized

What do I Say About…Grief?

Posted on November 16, 2020November 15, 2020 by themommytherapist

Do you remember your first encounter with death?

What do you remember? Were there hushed tones and tears? Was it sudden and traumatic? Were the adults in your life carefully honest with you, carelessly brash, or so cautious that you were unsure what was really going on?

There’s a myth that’s especially salient in our western culture, particularly in the United States, that your life is what you create. This myth propagates the lie that you can cheat death and sickness if only you work hard enough, have enough money, eat well enough, exercise the right way, etc. etc… That death is a failure.

But in reality, death – and the grief that accompanies it – is never far away.

“The physical needs of humanity are quite obvious and yet easily forgotten until they are threatened. Our limits are realized in weakness: when hunger claws an empty belly; when physical ailment or surgery impede our movement; when we cannot force our bodies to stay awake a moment longer.
We have many needs beyond our ability. Continuing on after grief is a need beyond our ability. It requires capability and perseverance of body and heart, a strength beyond our reach.”
Erin Cushman, “Bright Hope”

For those of you who have a relationship with God, our own limitations and resultant dependence on God is a cornerstone of the Christian walk. Our limitations, up until death, can be met with the provision and caretaking of God.

But in a culture that sees death as a ‘failure’ to be avoided and spoken about in hushed tones, continuing after grief is made all the more impossible when so many find themselves confronting it alone.

The quote from earlier comes from a daily devotional written by the founder of a non-profit called Hope Mommies that seeks to stand in the gap and provide connection to the grieving.

While no grief is comparable and every story is different, the loss of a child during or shortly after pregnancy is perhaps the most jarring as it so closely and intimately places the miracle of life next to the inevitability of death. A mama in our community recently experienced this grief and wrote about the power of community during that time:

“Hope Mommies is a non-profit organization that supports grieving mamas who have lost a child through pregnancy loss or infant death. The main way they support moms is through their Hope Boxes. This box is given to a grieving mama by either shipping directly to the mom, or as a gift in the hospital… With each box, a Mom is given comfort, but also an invitation to an entire community. Being included in the Hope Mommies community means you have someone who understands how you feel.
I received my Hope box about a month after my daughter went to heaven. My sister sent it to me via the Hope Mommies website and it was hand packed by a fellow Hope Mom. I didn’t realize the impact of a hand packed box from another mother with empty arms, until I was able to pack one myself. I cried and prayed over the box and was terrified to add it to the growing stack of newly packed boxes. It felt like I was sealing the fate of a mom who was going to lose her child. I felt a strange mix of being prepared to welcome a new Hope mom, and a desire for there to be no more Hope moms in this world.”
Holly Credo

So what do we say you should say about grief? About death?

In short, please just say anything. To bring its existence into the open. Talk about your own grief. Encourage your kids to talk about what they see, feel, and have questions about. Reach out to someone else. Accept and give help. Normalize the hard parts and the healing.

Because as unbearable as the weight of grief is, it is made lighter by sharing it with others.

With you,

Selena

*If you would like to donate to Hope Mommies, visit hopemommies.org/box-gatherings/give-to-a-gathering. If you are local to the Baton Rouge area, please select Holly Credo-Baton Rouge,LA as the “gathering host.” She is working to continuously supply Women’s Hospital with Hope Boxes.

*The Mommy Therapist is a part of a book launch team for Erin Cushman’s book, Bright Hope. I (Selena) am reading through this devotional and have been so encouraged by its messages of truth, life, hope, and light.

If you are interested in purchasing Bright Hope, it will be available December 1.
Everyone who donates to Hope Mommies on December 1 will receive a copy of Bright Hope and swag (merchandise).
Bright Hope will be available to purchase online via Amazon on January 1.

anger, coparenting, empathy, grief, parenting, relationships, trauma, Uncategorized, values

Confronting Communication in this controversial world

Posted on November 2, 2020November 2, 2020 by themommytherapist

“Do you even have a brain?” may be an overarching sentiment throughout today’s dialogue. The tone of the home is often found within the culture of the outside world. In these times, the overwhelming atmosphere of polarization is seeping into our families. Politics, COVID precautions, parenting, and so many other issues have become divisive rather than topics for discussion.

Navigating these subjects with our spouses can be very difficult. The tendency is to become reactive, condescending and dismissive. This can cause small fights to become point-making episodes that will erode the relationship.

Here are a few options to consider when disagreements arise:

LISTENING VS. LITIGATING

When we believe something strongly, we often have a list of relevant arguments on file in our brains. (Or is that just me?) We know the common attempts to refute our thoughts and the best rebuttal. A conversation becomes more like a trial for certain ideas.

That is not how communication with our spouse needs to function. We need to listen, not only for the words they are speaking, but for what is below the surface. We know this person. We have dedicated our lives to being “one flesh” and molding our wills into a compatible force. When something triggers deep emotion, it is normally about something much more. What is that underlying fear or hurt they are attempting to outrun, out-reason or out-act? Listen deeper than the argument that you deem idiotic or shortsighted.

Some insistences that wearing masks are ridiculous might stem from the panic response the body creates when feeling trapped. What trauma are they experiencing? Is it about more than just their decision that wearing masks “isn’t for them.” Often, when we are able to listen beyond the words and enter into their world, we can speak to the core issue rather than the surface defense.

RESPONDING VS. REACTING

As previously explored, look beyond what is said. This is easier said than done. How come? We also have underlying reasons for our reactions. It can help to evaluate our own stances and the reasoning behind them.

This way, we are able to hear what is said without our own filters. These filters may color our partner’s arguments with more meaning than they intend. As an example, have you been frustrated at your spouse’s suggestion that they may not get the COVID vaccine? Are you simultaneously grieving an elderly loved one? Consider the connection between these two seemingly unrelated events.

The words spoken are not what causes the emotion, it is the history we contend with in our own minds. When we understand our worldview, our own traumas and why we feel how we feel, we can respond with more calm than if we react to our own underlying histories. When we know ourselves, we can also share where our passion comes from. Bringing the cause of emotion into the conversation allows understanding.

A great method to begin this conversation can be using “I” statements. This is a format often taught in counseling as a means to express difficult ideas. “I feel __________, when you _________, because _______________ . Next time, I would like if you would ____________ .”

This can be “I feel unheard, when you complain about COVID restrictions, because I am still grieving over losing my Grandmother. Next time, I would like if you would acknowledge my emotion as valid.”

ASKING VS. ASSUMING

Part of the “love verses” in scripture that is read at weddings and quoted ad nauseam in 1 Corinthians 13 is that love “always trusts.” (verse 7) It believes the best. When we assume that the other person is intelligent, caring, and wants the world to be a better place, we can ask questions without an ulterior motive.

Questions can be healing or very damaging. When done with an agenda, or in an attempt to shame or manipulate someone, it can harm. However, when we seek to really know the answer of the question we ask, we can begin to communicate.

Attempt to start on a level playing field. Ask what you do not understand. Ask without condescension and without agenda. Ask to know what is going on in your spouses mind. Seek to understand their perspective.

Another way to find common ground, a way that helps me and is in line with my belief system, is making prayer part of the equation. When I pray to understand my spouse, pray to hear what he says, pray for compassion for him and pray to be able to communicate my own thoughts, I find that things go better. I am able to shed my defensive walls and make my hurts more exposed. It becomes more of a place of trust and I am able to approach with humility.

All of these ideas make one assumption, however. They assume that you and your spouse are seeking to be a team, partners. These points do not work when one or both of you are attempting to have control or manipulate one another. If that is the case, I would recommend finding a marriage counselor to help balance the dynamic in the relationship to be in a healthier place.

I know this season is difficult. Tensions are high and passions run hot. It is possible to disagree and come to some type of compromise. However, this depends on your ability to approach your spouse with empathy and understanding. When you understand the “why” behind their “what”, the core of the issue can be discussed without hiding behind current issues. This gives birth to a new kind of intimacy – one where mutual respect and knowledge pave the way to better comprehension.

Listening and evaluating,

Allyson

Uncategorized

How to Talk to Your Kids…About the Election

Posted on October 19, 2020October 18, 2020 by themommytherapist

If you have a kid that is even slightly exposed to the news/adult conversations, then chances are that they know at least something about our pals Mike, Kamala, Joe, and Donald. There’s no doubt that there’s a lot going on during this election season. Frankly, there’s been a lot going on this year. It can sometimes be hard even as an adult to grasp the breadth and depth of the issues surrounding this election and the candidates involved, so can you imagine what it’s like to try to wrap your head around all of this as a kid?!

Some of you may be thinking that your kid doesn’t know that much and isn’t affected by the climate during this election season. But if this election season is affecting you, then I can guarantee that your kids have picked up on something. Kids are AMAZING observers (oftentimes not of the things we want them to notice…), so they probably know – or at least feel – more than you think.

So what do we say to our kids about the election? One thing to consider is that the way you talk to your children will vary vastly depending on their maturity and age. This will be specific to you and your family, but for our purposes we will break it down into two categories: concrete and abstract thinkers. Our kids think in more concrete terms until around the age of 12, when abstract thinking starts to develop. This is a gradual process, so feel free to pick and choose for what fits best for your family!

Talking to younger children, or our concrete thinkers:

When I was in graduate school, one of my professors taught us the acronym KISS, or Keep It Simple, Stupid. I honestly cannot remember the context of the lesson, but I use a version of this all of the time when talking to my own kids or teaching parents how to talk to their own kiddos. Until children move into more abstract thinking, giving long, detailed, and nuanced responses to difficult topics is just…well…ineffective. Play to the strengths of your concrete learner and Keep It Simple.

The best way to implement KISS is to remember to only answer the question your child has asked, and to answer it as succinctly as possible.

Example:

What is an election?

KISS Answer: An election is where people all say who they think will do a job best and the person who has the most people choose them wins.

You don’t have to go into details about how casting ballots work, what the electoral college is, etc., unless your child asks. The beauty of KISS is that is helps parents feel more comfortable answering kids’ big questions because you are only taking it one question at a time.

If you child asks about the election and then asks a follow-up question, answer them. And then keep going. If you end up talking about the electoral college and popular vote and swing states because your kid asked about them, then congratulations – you fielded a lot of really complex questions! But try to stay away from all of the details if you child doesn’t ask about them. If you get bogged down in the details, the answer your child was really interested in will get lost as they get confused or tune out.

If you are raising abstract thinkers…

No matter what you say or teach your kids or how you do it, they will grow up to be adults who disagree with you on one to one million different topics. It’s a good idea to start learning to tolerate differences now. When your child asks you about a political issue, instead of telling them your opinion and stopping there, I encourage you to offer them two (or more) different perspectives and ask them their opinion. This is most effective when you offer the perspectives in a fair and factual way.

If you’re anything like me, there are things that you actively hope and pray that your kids grow up to think and believe. But the facts are that we can control what we expose them to, but not what they choose to do, think, or believe. While it can be tempting to try to expose your child to your opinion and way of thinking only, this would be a missed opportunity. Instead of teaching your child what to think, teach them how you made your decisions. Help them to understand why different people believe different things and make a genuine attempt to help them understand why. Doing this not only offers your child a richer understanding of your perspectives, but it also encourages their critical thinking and tolerance for people who think differently than they do.

This election season means a lot to many people. There are feelings of hope, fear, anger, exhaustion, and everything in between. But no matter what happens on November 3^rd, teach your child that the people involved – the candidates, the voters, the “other side” – are people. Just like you. Just like your child.

There’s no one magic way to talk to your kids about the election. Meet them where they are at, offer connection and compassion, and encourage their curiosity. It’s hard to go wrong from there.

Having the hard conversations with you,

Selena

Uncategorized

What Do I Say When… My Kid Lies

Posted on September 21, 2020September 20, 2020 by themommytherapist

Some developmental milestones are lots of fun, and others…well, they’re not so much fun. Lying is one of those milestones that I could really do without.

I don’t like lies. No, not even the small ones. We don’t even tell our kids the jolly man in red is real (we say it’s a game that everyone pretends together). So lying was a milestone that I have been dreading years.

One of the first challenges of lies is discerning how to distinguish between lies and pretend. Around the age that kids begin to lie, they are in season full of imaginative play:

The floor is the ocean and our rug is a boat.
There is a girl in our house from the Orange Planet.
There is a monster hiding in the tent FoR rEaL.

These aren’t lies, but rather the product of full and vivid imaginations. Lies normally become a problem when our kids use them to hide things from us. Our kids learn that we are not all-knowing, and pretty soon you are watching your kid hit his brother and telling you that he didn’t even touch him.

Once they learn that you don’t actually see and know everything that they do, they begin to realize that they can lie. And those first lies are motivated by their primary need: connection with us. Addressing lies at an early age is an important part of establishing and maintaining honesty and connection for the lifetime of the parent/child relationship. When kids begin to lie, they do so in order to maintain a connection with the trusted adults in their lives.

Scenario: Every time your preschooler breaks something, you fuss/punish/yell/get disappointed. Your preschooler interprets your reaction as disconnecting. Your child realizes you didn’t see what happened and experiments with lying to you in order to avoid a threat to their connection to you.

If a child’s first lies are all about creating connection, then how we respond to lies is of the utmost importance. Try these tips for responding to your child’s lies:

Offer empathy: “If I broke a lamp, I might be feel bad or nervous to tell someone.”

Reassure: “I love you always. What you do does not change how much I love you.”

Create an Expectation: “It’s important to tell me what really happened. Saying what really happened, which is also called “the truth,” helps me keep everyone safe. The truth also makes our relationship stronger.”

Connect: If your child tells the truth, praise their honesty. Give them a hug or a high five. Focus on connection first, then you can establish any necessary consequences later. If you can maintain connection through the consequence too, that’s ideal. For example, cleaning up a spill or mess together.

When we teach our kids that it is safe to make mistakes around us, then they are going to be less likely to lie to us when they make them. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have rules, boundaries, and consequences; kids feel safest when parents establish secure boundaries. But if we want honesty, then it is up to us to establish connection first.

Here are some ways that you can create a culture of honesty in your house:

Teach about Truth with Games

Truth and trust are difficult concepts for preschoolers to fully grasp, but we can begin teaching them in simple ways. One fun way can to do this is to talk about the environment around you. Tell your kids that you are going to say one thing that is real and true and one thing that is not true or real. Then get silly! For example, if you are outside you can say: “The grass is green and the trees are made of gummy bears.”

This is the kind of silly game that appeals to preschoolers and can get your whole family laughing, fostering connection while teaching an important concept.

Model Honesty

Make the conscious choice to make honesty a priority in your home. Our kids are experts in our behaviors and moods by the time they can talk and they are going to imitate much of what we do. This means that the easiest way to teach our kids how to be honest is to do it ourselves.

Talk About Your Mistakes

Whenever you make a mistake, don’t try to hide it from your kids. When you are able to share your own mistakes and emotions about the mistakes you make with your kids, it shows them that you trust them as well. Connection and trust become a reciprocal experience.

For example: You burnt dinner and have to order pizza. Say, “I was really embarrassed when I burnt dinner (restating what happened, naming emotion). I know you might be feeling hungry or disappointed (empathy). I am sorry (apology, if necessary). Are you excited for some pizza?! (connection)”

When I fuss at my oldest when he lies to me, he physically runs away from me. I am learning through experience that if I value honesty and authenticity more than I value my connection with my child, then I am likely to lose both. Teaching our kids about honesty is crucial, but connection is far more critical. My hope is that we continue to increase both in all of our homes.

Pursuing trust and truth together,

Selena

Uncategorized

I Just Can’t Do It

Posted on September 14, 2020September 14, 2020 by themommytherapist

“I just can’t do it,” are the famous words of my four year old when he does not believe in his ability to accomplish something. His self-efficacy, his belief in his ability to do something, has everything to do with whether or not he will start something new or do a seemingly cumbersome activity. If honest, we often feel this way as adults too and would rather not start something if we think we might fail.

How do we help our kids believe in themselves when we do not believe in ourselves some of the time either? We want to build our own self-efficacy to model and help our kids build their self-efficacy. We often need to regroup and reboot to start believing in ourselves, and our children need this too.

REGROUP and REBOOOT for Parents

Identify negative thinking patterns contributing to “can’t do it” attitude like the following.

I’m not good at this sort of thing.
I wasn’t cut out to be this kind of parent.
This is too hard, too much, too overwhelming.
I remember a time when I failed in this area before and replaying that memory.
What if I fail?
I should be able to do this.
My kids deserve a better parent.
If I can’t do it perfectly, why do it at all.

Calm down to regroup by using relaxation or calming skills. We have suggested coping skills throughout the blog including but not limited too: breathing, exercise, mindfulness, art, music, something spiritual, spending time with friends, engaging in a pleasant activity, and journaling.

Reboot by replacing the negative thinking with more rational and positive thinking.

This is challenging, but I will do my best.
Even if I can’t finish this task today, I will start.
I am enough for my kids.
Today was rough, I made mistakes, and tomorrow is a new day.
I only have enough strength for today not for every day in the future.
Who can I ask for help on this?

REGROUP and REBOOT

Listen as they say they “can’t” or show you they can’t by having a meltdown or a fit. Listen for the negative thinking. You can call it “stinking thinking” with them. Help them calm down. They will not be able to change negative thinking until they calm down! They may just need a hug. If they need more than a hug, a calm down corner is a great way to help them regroup.

Ways to regroup for kids in a calm down corner:

Deep breathing
Hug a parent
Hug a stuffed animal
Count
Draw or color
Listen to music
Exercise
Drink some water
Say a prayer
Squeeze a stress ball
Read a book

Help your child reboot with strong, healthy thinking by helping them solve the problem. Remind them of times they have succeeded in the past when they did not think they could do it or when they completed a similar task.

Suggestions to help your child reboot:

Would you like some help?
Can we start the project together?
Let’s set a timer for ten minutes and just get started on the homework.
What if we count all of the blocks as we throw them in the bin to clean up?
Want to listen to music while you do this?
I believe in you.
You are a great problem solver.
I love the way you are thinking this through.
You have an amazing brain, and I am here to help if you get stuck.

Though this may not work every time, my hope is that it will help. The other day when my son was saying he could not do something that I knew he could, I showed him the times he has successfully completed the task before. I encouraged him. I helped him get started. After he successfully completed the task, I said, “Was that hard?” He replied, “No that was easy!” I hope you receive some positive feedback as you are helping your child believe in themselves as you too are working on believing in yourself.

Day by day,

Andrea

emotion regulation, goals, home, isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcare, selfcompassion, Uncategorized, values

Mom Guilt

Posted on September 7, 2020September 7, 2020 by themommytherapist

Mom guilt is a very real phenomenon. Often, no matter the influence, no matter the intent, no matter the action, parents second guess their parenting decisions. Mom guilt can motivate us towards change, or it can be a destructive, shaming rabbit hole that leads to paralyzing self-condemnation.

These two extremes are present in our lives, but often have more subtle nuance. For example, I awoke at 3:00 AM one morning and rode the rabbit hole of destructive mom guilt for about an hour before I was able to succumb to sleep again. The concern behind this spiral? Whether my four year old was getting enough active time.

My evidence? We moved into a smaller house so he cannot run around as much inside, we haven’t been to the park very much and he’s currently not in a pre-k program to encourage activity with his peers.

The verdict? I was a horrible Mom that was not doing enough.

Terrible? Yes.

Unhelpful? Definitely.

Unreasonable? Completely.

The direction that mom guilt often projects us into, is one that is not productive for our emotional health, mental health, or parent/child relationship. Here are a few ways to battle against this minefield when it rears its ugly head. Ways to combat the worst ever game of wack-a-mole.

MEASURE AGAINST REALITY

As I wrestled with the trial of my parenting that 3:00 am had brought me, I was slow to come to my own defense. I hammered myself with the failings I supposedly contributed to, but I did not present the case that we are a newly transplanted family. I began to chronicle the various accusations and hold them up to reality.

A smaller house? Yes, but living somewhere that would provide more bearable weather to endure outside play time.

Infrequent park trips? The weather had been in the triple digits. That’s not healthy for anyone.

Not in a pre-k program? We have lived in our new town for about a month.

Being able to invite reality into our emotionally elevated headspace, can be difficult, but it is vital. We are often our own worst enemy, but doing accurate self-reflection is important. We can see ways we are not meeting our own realistic expectations and make plans to correct our behavior. It can also give us a reprieve when the spiraling mind is being irrational and intensely vindictive. I would also not recommend having those moments in the early moments of the morning. News alert: Your brain is definitely not being rational.

MEASURE WITH A FRIEND

We all need someone with which we can be vulnerable and accountable. Someone that will offer us some reality with love. This can be correction if we are not living up to the needs of our children or guiding us toward better reality testing if we have gone off the rails.

I must insist on something, this CANNOT be a social media account. Reality testing cannot be done through the highlight reel of Instagram. All parents look like rockstars if they choose to on this platform. All rooms cleaned, multiple activities for the children and they are rocking this homeschool thing. Can this be done? Maybe. Everyone has their own strengths.

These honest conversations can be held with someone that knows your strengths, can call you to be the best parent you can be and will not prompt you to do more crafts with your kids if that’s not your thing. We talk about a mom tribe, but more important than a mom tribe is that one friend that will be a taste of rational thinking when the tornado begins.

MEASURE YOUR MIND

One of our greatest weapons when dealing with errant thoughts? A similar tactic we use with toddlers. Redirection. Spiraling about how few clean clothes your family has while you are doing laundry? Put on some music. Put on a TV show. Call a friend. Derail the thought train, because there are no helpful depots along the track. Thought stopping is a great way to combat anxious rumination and depressive spiraling.

Sometimes it helps treating your mind like a tantruming child. Check for hunger, exhaustion, need for a moment alone and then find something different to focus on. It needs to be something that can consume your mind, so not necessarily only an action but also something that you enjoy. Find a way to make yourself laugh, yell at the dishes and then sing your favorite Hamilton song (“Work, work! Angelica! Work, work! Eliza! And Peggy! The Schuyler sisters!” is my go to).

The self-flagellation that often is the result of mom guilt is very unproductive. It cripples the joy that comes from parenthood and wraps every event in the “not good enough” cast-off clothes. We deserve better treatment from our minds and our children deserve better parenting motivation. You do not struggle with this beast alone. Speak up, share concerns and allow others to speak into that rabbit hole. When spoken out loud, lies often scatter like bugs exposed to sunlight. Unproductive mom guilt lingers long after the problem area has been resolved and growth has begun.

Letting in the light,

Allyson

back to school, comfortzone, coparenting, goals, home, motherhood, parenting, relationships, selfcompassion, social distancing, Uncategorized, unprepared

When School Comes Home

Posted on August 31, 2020August 30, 2020 by themommytherapist

Is everyone tired of the word unprecedented? 2020, I’m looking at you!

So, let’s try something different. How about remarkable? Is that annoying?

Remarkable means worthy of attention, striking. Unprecedented, in contrast, means never done or known before.

What if we did an exercise in reframing? Maybe 2020 with all its unprecedented remarkableness could be an invitation? Instead of putting so much focus on the unknown, we could remember what we do know and pay attention to it. Please don’t hear me downplaying the difficulty and grief of all that we are encountering – some to degrees beyond my comprehension. What I am simply saying is that we have the ability to choose our focus. We can remember what we know instead of all the things we don’t. Everything doesn’t have to be unprecedented.

Most of us know how to love our kids and meet their needs in ways that no one else can. Many of us are looking at a year that could include the word homeschool. Just saying it may cause you anxiety. I’d like to offer some reassurance and hope. It might not be easy, especially for those who are trying to juggle a full-time job, but it doesn’t have to be terrible. This could be an occasion to understand parts of your child’s education experience that you hadn’t previously and an avenue for deeper connection with them. This is true whether you are actually doing the homeschooling yourself – as in choosing their curriculum and teaching it, or whether you are helping facilitate their online learning. This year doesn’t have to be a drudge.

We are on our eighth year of homeschool. It has been wonderful and winsome in so many ways, but I wouldn’t use effortless as a descriptor. There are humans involved. It’s the push and pull every day. Our wills rub up against each other. Homeschooling has allowed me ample opportunity to instill larger lessons in my children that I’m still learning too. Oh, don’t worry, I know how to add and subtract and I can tell you a fair bit about the Enlightenment. What we are working on together is patience, grace, self-discipline, and so many other things that we fail and try again at every day.

Our culture by in large has reduced education down to the insertion of knowledge, but without wisdom knowledge is anemic. Wisdom is cultivated through love, compassion and humility. Wisdom is the framework of values that knowledge rests upon. It is taught most effectively as it is modeled. As parents, we are uniquely capable of giving these things.

So, don’t fret about creating the perfect school setting at home. Don’t stress over choosing the perfect curriculum. Do the best with what you have in front of you, and trust the one who created education to guide you as you seek to teach or help teach. Be diligent, but rest in His faithfulness and delight in the present. Julie Bogart says in her book The Brave Learner, “Connect to your children. The academics matter, but they follow. Your children’s happiness and safe, supportive relationship with you come first. Believe it or not, your children are happiest when they believe you are delighted by them.” And I would add that when they are happiest, their mind will be most open to learning. So, just stick with what you know. Love them well and nourish their imaginations. Block out the voices that are tempting you to make it more complicated or feel less than capable.

A reminder to all of us – education is a lifelong adventure. In its truest form it begins in wonder and ends in wisdom. Take a deep breath and notice the wonder around you. And in the words of St. Jerome, “It is our part to offer what we can, His to finish what we cannot”

Grace and Peace to you this school year, I hope it’s remarkable!

Amy

PS – I highly recommend the podcast Read Aloud Revival. Enjoying books together is one of the easiest ways to learn.

Amy Spencer has been married to Ryan for 21 years. They have five boys ages 13-3. She dabbles in interior design and enjoys studying history. As you can probably understand, she never uses the restroom without checking the seat first.

Uncategorized

Weathering the Storm

Posted on August 24, 2020August 23, 2020 by themommytherapist

A derecho in the Midwest. A fire tornado in California. And now double hurricanes in the Gulf.

How very 2020.

I’m writing this from Baton Rouge, so hurricanes and tropical storms are nothing new around here. But preparing for a storm always feels a bit like a cross between a calculated gamble and taking a crazy risk. It’s hard to predict exactly what will happen when a hurricane hits, but one thing you always know for sure is this: if the worst happens and you aren’t prepared, the effects could be devastating.

Preparing for a hurricane feels a bit like deja vu at this moment in time. It feels like all I’ve been doing for the past six months has been preparing for an unknown future full of unpredictable and potentially devastating risks. We’ve all been living in the path of this year’s storm and frankly, it’s getting tiring.

So how does one weather the storm that this year become? In many ways, surviving this year is going to look like preparing for a real storm:

FIND A SAFE PLACE

Just like with any natural disaster, finding a safe space for yourself is essential to survival. Safety comes in many forms: physical safety, emotional safety, spiritual safety, social safety, etc. This far into the storm, it’s time to really evaluate the safety of your space because things don’t seem to be letting up yet.

If you are still trying to maintain toxic friendships this far into 2020, it is time for you to finally let them go. Been putting off going to therapy? Get in there and let yourself find rest in a non-judgmental and healing space with the comfortability that comes from talking to a stranger. Spend time pouring into your faith/belief system. Find friends who affirm you and don’t spend time with people who make you feel unsafe. Make sure that your surroundings are as secure as possible.

KNOW WHEN TO SAY NO

Two phrases that are important to remember in this season are “Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” and, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Having boundaries isn’t selfish. Having boundaries is essential for everyone’s survival.

If you drive your car without refueling or neglect to send it in for regular maintenance, then you can be certain you will end up with a broken down car. If you neglect to get the restorative rest that you need (preferably the kind that doesn’t involve a screen), then you too will find yourself worn down and worn out.

Take a look back at some of our blog posts on emotions to help find out what check engine lights your emotions are setting off and how to cope. Then, evaluate your boundaries and challenge yourself to create changes that will make weathering the storm more manageable for you.

ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS

When a storm rolls in, things go quiet. The streets empty and people stay home. Schools and businesses close. Emergency and essential workers go into overdrive and the rest of us hunker down.

Sounds familiar, right?

Fam, the storm still hasn’t passed. We may be learning more about how to go out and survive in it, but we are still very much in the storm. So please stop holding yourself to your pre-2020 expectations of yourself. You may have more bad days. You are likely being stretched thin in ways you didn’t ever expect to have to find room to give. Have grace and compassion for yourself AND for others. This is HARD. We are NOT living in the normal.

You cannot expect yourself to be the same level of friend, mother, parent, or child that you were 8 months ago.
You cannot measure yourself by the standards you developed in a time of stability.

And this goes for after the storm as well. When a storm ends, things that were broken are not magically restored. Be patient and unyielding. You will need both endurance and empathy to come out of this storm well.

HOLD ON TIGHT, BUT ONLY TO WHAT MATTERS

Too often, those hit the hardest by storms have to make impossible choices. Coming out of a storm can be devastating, but it also provides an opportunity for creating life-giving change.

As a systemic therapist, I am always thinking about how systems work. Systems – from families and schools, to governments and economies – create feedback loops that tend to reinforce the status quo. Whenever something threatens the status quo, or homeostasis, of a system, then the system works hard to ‘fix’ the disruption and get things ‘back to normal.’ Changing a system usually takes and causes a lot of disruption, and these changes create at least a bit of chaos for the entire system. If one part of the system changes, then it must all change. A new stimulus requires a new response.

I would be lying if I said that I am not simultaneously thrilled and terrified about the prospect of how the systems in our lives will reorganize as we collectively emerge from this storm. We are primed for change. We are primed for growth. Things are already being thrown into chaos, so the way is already being made for us to establish new patterns.

I urge you to take care of yourself. Seek help. Take space for yourself, and then take up the space that you need. Remain curious. Take the time to grieve the loss of what was so that you can be open to what is to come.

We need to stay strong for the rebuilding that is to come.

I’ll be right there next to you, tools in hand.

Selena