parenthood

We all have friends and family that parent differently than we do. We have different children, who have varied temperaments and we have different home environments. Sometimes it can become difficult to engage with one another with children involved, because of parental variations. With a wide array of values and expectations held by us parents, discussing this topic can bring tension. In our world today with a “right/wrong” mentality, we often try to categorize each other as negligent, irresponsible or too strict and overly involved.

However, it is okay for parenting styles and expectations to be diverse. How we approach the world varies and therefore our approaches to parenting will carry the same variety. It is not necessary to always agree. It is actually okay to have different expectations for your children while being with other kids that have other rules. You will find, the way to adjust to these situations has more to do with you and your family than convincing someone else to change. As we often say in therapy, “The only person you have control over, is you.”

KNOW YOU EXPECTATIONS AND THE WHY BEHIND THEM

This may seem silly. However, most parents are not aware of the expectations they have for their children until the situation arises. By knowing your individual values and allowing that to direct your expectations, you can navigate an unexpected circumstance with more clarity. The awareness of where you stand, and the reason you hold to that rule, can drive your action.

Your child may need a certain schedule to manage their behavior, or you may be able to have a more flexible schedule due to your child’s personality. Neither are wrong. However, you need to know what your child needs and understand why your child has those needs. As a result, you do not need to get defensive when someone else has different plans. You know what you need to do and you know why you need to do it. You will be less likely to be swayed by outside influences.

BE CONSISTENT

It can be tempting to alter our expectations depending on the environment. However, this can be very confusing for our children. They can jump on the couch at Mimi’s house, but not your house. That’s not going to translate for them. It can cause them some anxiety due to not understanding the rules or cause them to become defiant because they get confused.

To maintain exceptions everywhere sets us up for more challenges. It takes more management, more interventions, more attention. However, being consistent will eventually make it easier for you to enforce rules and for your children to follow them. They cannot read your mind. If we change our approaches based on our environment, they may attempt to read our mind (anxiety) or treat our expectations as suggestions. They may draw the conclusion that Mom obviously does not know what she wants (not that they’ll consciously think that).

If you are a parent/caregiver watching someone else’s child, it is important to know their rules. It is important to try and adhere to their rules whether you agree with them or not. This might be enforcing a no screen time rule that you feel is ridiculous or you allow your children to jump on the couch – even if you think he should be allowed to. However, it can be more confusing for the kid to have different rules. Allow the consistency to prevail. Once again, this is if the rules are not harming anyone.

BE VOCAL

Your children need reinforcement. They need reminders. This is especially true, the younger they are. Have a phrase you use for each expectation and repeat it. This could be “please keep your voice down when we are inside” or “remember, we only sit on furniture.” Stating the behavior you wish for them to model, is more helpful for them.

It is also helpful for those around you to know what you expect from your children. It does not mean that they need to comply. It is okay for parents to have contrasting rules. It does not mean one is right and one is wrong. You are each parenting individuals. Each child comes with their own needs. There is no reason to feel insecure about your expectations. There is no need to feel insecure over someone else’s expectations as long as everyone is being respectful to one another and the property of other.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE DIFFERENCE

It is okay to recognize the varied expectations–not only with the other parent, but with your child. You can tell your child that “other people have different rules, but you need to follow Mommy/ Daddy/Caregiver’s rules.” This acknowledges to the child that you are aware, and that your expectations have not shifted with varying circumstances.

In the end, ignoring the inconsistencies can be more confusing. It will not cause more tension or suddenly cause your child to notice the differences. Children are way more observant than we give them credit for, and more observant than we’d like them to be sometimes.

Parenting can be a struggle. When you add other people and their kids, it can create a bit of chaos. Chaos isn’t bad. Chaos can add a little bit of diversity in your life. However, you can set up skills that allow you to parent how you parent, regardless of your environment.

As we identify our own values in conjunction with our child’s unique personality, we can communicate our expectations to our children with confidence and clarity. And if you think about it, this may actually teach them to hold strong to their own values later in life when others go a different way.

Parenting differently,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

For most families, summer is now in full swing. Vacations have been planned, child care has been juggled, and sunburns have started popping up in the odd places that we miss as we chase after our kids with sunscreen. As parents we tend to spend a lot of time and energy focused on the minutia of coordinating and crafting experiences for our children. But no matter how much time or intentionality we put into our summers, it can still sometimes feel like we are missing the mark. Every parent, every child, every family, and every year looks different when it comes summer, so when we feel like we are falling short in the summer months it can be helpful to take a step back and understand what we are really feeling and what we can do with those feelings.

What are your expectations?

If you find that your summer isn’t quite measuring up to what you hoped, consider evaluating the standard you are trying to measure up to. Your goals for the summer should ultimately be a reflection of the larger goals you have as a parent and as a family. Consider what those values are and how your summer goals are fitting in with those values. A spontaneous family camping trip may be a perfect goal for a family that values adventure and new experiences, while planting and tending a garden may be a perfect project for a family that values the outdoors and teamwork. There is nothing inherently better or worse about a camping trip or planting a garden, and there are certainly families that can and do enjoy both. However, filtering your plans and decisions for the summer through your values can help you prioritize what is most important for your family and keep both summer burnout and boredom at bay.

What content are you consuming?

Another helpful angle to consider whenever you start to feel the weight of expectations for your summer is to think about what you are consuming. The imaginary zoo you create with your three-year-old or the moments when your newborn is asleep on your chest may be the most important and valuable parts of your day, but that can be hard to believe as you read an article titled “Top Ten Reasons to Get Out of the House with Your Preschoolers.” There is a lot of value to interacting with a lot of different content created from different perspectives, but there is a line between learning/admiring and letting comparison be the thief of your joy. When you consume media and social media, try to be mindful of the values, gifts, and perspectives of others. It is possible that your feeling of “falling short” may be the result of comparing yourself with someone whose values, gifts, and priorities are different than your own.

You are not alone.

The reality of being a human and parent is that we do and will fall short, sometimes daily. But it is important to not only understand where your feelings of falling short are coming from, but to also take the appropriate action. Treat yourself with compassion whenever you find yourself feeling like you missed the mark. Resist any temptation to judge or criticize yourself. Instead, gently ask yourself if and where you might need to press into some growth. I sing a song to my preschooler with the words:

“We all make mistakes as we’re learning, it’s okay to make mistakes as you’re learning – just try to learn from them.”

It’s not easy to hit the bull’s eye on parenting. Too often we are too much of one thing and too little of another. Step back and take a look at your expectations and your efforts and give yourself the freedom to adjust them as needed.

In the joy and the chaos,

Selena Ellis

Tag: parenthood

When Parenting Styles Differ

The Heat is On

What are your expectations?

What content are you consuming?

You are not alone.