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counseling, emotion regulation, home, isolation, parenting, trauma, Uncategorized

Don’t Let it Go

Posted on September 23, 2019September 26, 2019 by themommytherapist

Behavior is a greater indication of a child’s emotional state than the words that come out of their mouths. An almost knee-jerk reaction to “how was your day” is often “good”. Similar to our daily interactions with others of “how are you” and the anticipated response of “good.” As adults, we struggle to put the status of our heart into words, and kids have a more difficult time.

As most parents can attest, the movie Frozen has wormed its way into the singing mouths of our children. Watching the movie for the millionth time, it became clear how the two main characters react in opposite ways to their trauma. These two expressions of turmoil identify many warning signs that your child may be dealing with internal struggles.

As Selena wrote in “Trauma 101, “Warfare, tragic accidents, natural disasters, and other “big” events are often described as big “T” trauma. Little “t” trauma, such as grief, neglect, bullying, and many others are less often associated with the longer-term and severe side effects of trauma, but repeated exposure to little “t” trauma can be just as impactful as experiencing big “T” trauma.” Trauma can mean a variety of experiences. There is no need to catalogue all the possible “traumas” your child may be dealing with when these behaviors surface. However, it can allow you to have more intentional conversations with your child.

ANNA

Spoiler alert! Be aware that I am going to address a major plot twist in the movie! Hans is not a good guy. He addresses Anna’s behavior that is a primary indicator of trauma. Hans tells Anna that she was, “so desperate for love, you were willing to marry me, just like that!” Throughout the movie, Anna engages in attention seeking behaviors and is very easily drawn in by a stranger professing affection.

When children begin acting out in attention seeking manners, we often react negatively. Understandably, their attempts to manipulate our focus can be difficult to respond to in a positive manner. However, their behavior is asking for approval and affection. Trauma targets the core of a person. It converts feelings of confidence and contentment into anxiety and desperation.

This may look like constant attempts to show off in an area they feel confident or in extreme cases, trying to sabotage attention or affection given to someone else. It can be difficult to keep their behavior in perspective. It is not a control tactic as adults might seek to control. It is a means to receive affirmation and love.

ELSA

Irritation and isolation are often behaviors that drive us to anger. “Why won’t you talk to me?” or
“Why are you being so mean,” can be frequent internal dialogue responses to our children. It seems as though you are the punching bag for their daily explosions. However, this is a call for understanding. The way children treat their parents, can often be an indication of how they feel about themselves. When children struggle with self-hate, it translates to negative treatment of their parents.

Elsa responds to her fear by keeping away, and lashing out at, the one person that is seeking to care for her. In the same way our children react to our attempts to reach them. This does not mean we need to leave them on their own. It can be tempting to leave the slammed door shut or let time pass into morning without reengagement.

For more information visit this website: https://www.samhsa.gov/child-trauma/recognizing-and-treating-child-traumatic-stress

NOT LETTING IT GO

It is important to carefully address these behaviors. Something to consider is following the acronym ASK.

A- Acknowledge that something difficult occurred

S- Sympathize with their emotion and struggle

K- Know that you cannot and do not need to fix it

Utilizing statements rather than questions can be a way to bypass their reactive behavior. Statements can include, “I know you are struggling right now”, “I love you no matter what happened today”, or “I am on your side”. These can address the questions they are asking themselves without their need to verbalize the concerns.

Identifying the emotion for your child can be very healing and helpful. As adults we can struggle to articulate our emotions beyond angry, happy or sad. We have many more years and exposure to more vocabulary than our kids. This targets the cause of the behavior rather than the symptom. They will feel seen and heard. The core desire of any person.

You cannot “fix” a trauma. It is something that has left a scar. The scar will heal, preventative measures can be taken to defend against infection, but nothing will make it magically disappear. Walking with your child through the trauma will be the best way you can help. Keep in mind that some big “T” or even little “t” traumas may need professional help as prevention of infection. That is ok. It does not make you a “bad parent” it means you are doing what is necessary for the health of your child.

Thawing the ice together,

Allyson Pitre

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

emotion regulation, motherhood, parenting, trauma

Hope in the Darkness

Posted on September 16, 2019September 21, 2019 by themommytherapist

Trauma. Just the word evokes an array of emotions. You have your own feelings and thoughts when you hear this word. Darkness can and often does surround when trauma occurs. As parents we never want our children to experience any sort of trauma, and the idea of this can simply unravel of us.

I am not getting into any specific types of trauma in this post. If you have been following along in this series, you know we have defined types of trauma and how to heal from any trauma in your own upbringing or adult life. I aim to provide a clear path to help you be your best self if your child has experienced any sort of traumatic event.

OXYGEN

When we do not have enough oxygen, we cannot see clearly and are likely to only see the darkness. If you have ridden on an airplane, you know that the flight attendant directs parents travelling with small children to first place the oxygen mask on themselves then on the child in the event of an emergency. I never understood this growing up. It seems counterintuitive as parents seem to first think about their children. Bottom line if a parent does not have air, they cannot help their child. So put on your own emotional oxygen mask and breathe so that you can be there physically, spiritually, and emotionally when your child is hurting.

This will likely look like getting some professional help yourself in addition to getting professional help for your child. You may need extra support from family or friends. Taking care of yourself will mean doing the fun and stress reducing things to keep yourself afloat. We need these pleasant activities the most when we feel like doing these the least. So exercise, journaling, spending time with God, listening to music, art, or whatever may soothe you is needed.

THERMOSTAT PARENTING

When you are able to breathe, you can be present with your child. They may want to talk a lot. They may not want to talk. They may be avoidant or overly clingy. They may avoid expressing emotion or they may be very emotional. They are hurting and you are hurting, but you are doing enough to take care of you so that you can take care of them.

One of the hardest jobs as parents is to regulate our own emotions when our kids’ emotions are dysregulated. Picture yourself as a thermostat. It sets the temperature for the environment. It does not vary like a thermometer that simply matches the temperature of the environment. The more you can regulate like a thermostat, the more available you will be to your child. This does not mean that you cannot show emotion or have a meltdown. You may need to have a good long cry in private to feel better so that you can soothe them. Tend to your emotions individually and then tend to your child’s needs and feelings.

HOPE

I pray that you are not in a season of trauma and will not be, but if you are or you have a friend that is, do not lose heart. Do not lose hope. If I did not have hope and know evidence based practices to help people heal, I could not do my job. As a counselor, I see so much pain. Please know that pain can be worked on and through. Love your child, be present with them, and know that with your support and the right help they can be okay. The process of healing is a journey and takes work but is so worth the time put in.

As a Christian counselor, I often give clients Bible versus to meditate on. I will leave you with one that I have given to people who have experienced trauma. I hope that you can claim a verse or quote that will provide hope in your life too.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope in the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Hoping through the hurting,

Andrea

counseling, motherhood, parenting, trauma

A Messy Inheritance

Posted on September 9, 2019September 14, 2019 by themommytherapist

After the passing of my grandmother, I received her beautiful floral china that held a special place in my memory. We often hear of stories such as these as our friends and families inherit material belongings that are meaningful to them in the wake of a loss. These inheritances are considered sweet and allow us to treasure the memories and experiences of our loved ones that are no longer with us.

When considering inheritances, material possessions listed in a will are not the only items that find their way into the lives of our loved ones, for better or for worse. We humans pass on beliefs, traditions, physical characteristics, habits, and, unfortunately, trauma. I recently read a quote that spoke to this topic:

“Pain travels through family lines until someone is ready to heal it in themselves. By going through the agony of healing, you no longer pass the poison chalice on to the generations that follow. It is incredibly important and sacred work.” -Unknown

The beautiful thing about our bodies and our brains is that we are capable of healing and changing, but it comes at the cost of vulnerability and difficult work. “Stuffing,”—as is often used to describe the denial and avoidance of the hurts, losses, and abnormal dangers that have impeded our lives—feels much safer and easier to do as we often convince ourselves that it is less painful and less risky. However, unresolved trauma effects us and the generations that follow in much greater ways than we are often aware. So what do we risk passing on to future generations if we are unable or unwilling to deal with our own trauma?

We risk passing on relational difficulties.

Those that have unresolved trauma often struggle to experience meaningful connection and intimacy as trauma often hijacks the brain and hyper-focuses and scans for trouble, diverting attention from the safety of relational connection. An individual’s ability to connect to a spouse and child are foundational for establishing a home of safety, security, and belonging. This basic human need is not met when caregivers use their energy to continue surviving the internal battle that wars within rather than tending to the intricacies of connection and relationships.

We risk passing on poor mental health.

Children can often develop psychiatric disturbances due to the psychological abnormalities experienced and modeled by a parent suffering from unresolved trauma and psychiatric disorders. Simply said, it is expected that when a child is modeled mental disorder and unhealth, their brilliant brains will spend effort replicating and developing the deceiving patterns modeled for it. The international Society for Traumatic Stress Studies reports, “…depression, anxiety, psychosomatic problems, aggression, guilt and related issues may be common in the offspring of trauma survivors (Felsen, 1998).”

We risk passing on harmful behavioral patterns.

Unresolved trauma, suppressed under layers of shame and hurt, often finds its way to the surface in behaviors that harm others. These behavioral patterns are all too easily picked up and repeated by the children we raise. But there is hope. Trauma does not have to remain unresolved, waiting beneath the surface like a land mine to harm others. We can do the hard work of addressing our traumatic past and thus altering the way we live, love, and relate to others.

My encouragement to you is this. You are capable of change. You are capable of storing up a wealthy inheritance of mental health for your child by laboring and storing up the fruits of healthy living, thinking, and processing. Mama, be the one in your family line that refuses to pass the poison chalice on. Instead, pass on the fine china of health, safety, and security. Seek counseling and sweet relationships. Tell your story. Refuse to hide in the shame and waste your energy keeping the hurts inside. Spend that energy on promoting your health and well-being, and investing in the health and well-being of generations to come.

Keep up the diligent work mamas, Tiffany Raley

References:

http://www.ISTSS.com. (2002). Trauma to One Family Member Effects the Entire Family.

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York: Viking.

counseling, motherhood, parenting, trauma

Trauma 101

Posted on September 2, 2019September 14, 2019 by themommytherapist

This week we are starting a series on trauma and our children. Trauma can often be a scary thing to talk about, especially when it concerns our children, but it is a topic that families are rarely able to avoid. Whether or not you or your children have experienced or been exposed to trauma, it is valuable to develop the skills necessary for navigating trauma as a family so that your family always has the ability to develop resiliency and heal well.

One of the biggest obstacles to healing from trauma is a lack of information or misguided information. So, let’s spend this first week of our trauma series doing a little Trauma 101.

Before we get started, let’s define “trauma.” There are a lot of great definitions of trauma out there and I think this one from SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration) and HRSA (US Department of Health and Human Services, Health Resources and Services Administration) has a particularly well-balanced definition:

Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life-threatening with lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being.
-SAMHSA and HRSA

When we, or other mental health professionals, talk about trauma, we aren’t just talking about PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), but about all kinds of events or circumstances. Trauma has a broad definition, which can make it all the harder to fully understand.

TRAUMA DESCRIBES A BROAD RANGE OF CIRCUMSTANCES AND SYMPTOMS

Whenever we think of trauma, we usually think of events such as exposure to warfare, combat, natural disasters, physical or sexual abuse, tragic accidents, and possibly a resulting diagnosis of PTSD. While all of the above-mentioned events are indeed often traumatic, trauma in and of itself is not limited by any one set of symptoms or events. Trauma’s causes and effects on an individual can be as varied as the individuals themselves.

Warfare, tragic accidents, natural disasters, and other “big” events are often described as big “T” trauma. Little “t” trauma, such as grief, neglect, bullying, and many others are less often associated with the longer-term and severe side effects of trauma, but repeated exposure to little “t” trauma can be just as impactful as experiencing big “T” trauma.

TRAUMA CAN AFFECT ANYONE

Experiencing trauma doesn’t make you weak. Anyone can become a victim/survivor of trauma. The effect that an event or circumstances has on a person has to do with many factors including: mental health, physical health, spiritual health, pre-existing illnesses, stressors, perceived support, the quality of relationships, brain chemistry, age, life experiences, and many, many more.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT IT

If your children have been exposed to a traumatic stressor, they’re probably thinking about it even if they aren’t talking about it. One of the most compassionate things we can do for our kids if they have been exposed to a trauma is be willing to talk to them about it. Children need to talk about traumatic experiences so that their brains can fully process both the events that occurred and the things they are feeling as a result. If we, as their parents, appear to be uncomfortable talking to them about what happened or tell them to think about or talk about something “more positive” or “happier,” then we are not providing the space that they need for processing.

HIDING TRAUMA IS RARELY HELPFUL

The healthier you are, the healthier you are empowering your kids to be. This doesn’t just mean appearing to be healthy by always acting happy or ignoring your own pain or emotions. This isn’t always easy, because just as it is hard to see our kids suffer, it can also be hard to let them see us suffer. Have age-appropriate conversations about your experiences with your children and how you are working to heal and grow. Whenever children see their parents working to heal themselves, it gives them a template for seeking their own healing as well.

In short, trauma is complicated, complex, and often unpredictable. Join us each Monday during the month of September for more information and insights about trauma, and we will end the month with a special guest post. And remember, we’re all in this together.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena

back to school, home, motherhood, parenting

Your Child’s Safe Place

Posted on August 26, 2019September 8, 2019 by themommytherapist

Coming home from a long day can become a sigh of relief rather than a means to an end. A house shelters the body, but a home nourishes the soul. Let’s be honest. This world can be brutal. Coming home from work, or even the grocery store, can bring us to a place of exhaustion. The youth of today are learning to regulate emotion, navigate relationships, create boundaries, create an identity AND retain school information. How much more exhausting must their days be than our own? It is important to infuse the belief that home is a safe place. Home is a sanctuary. Yes, there is discipline. Yes, there are expectations. However, once they step through those doors, it is important that they feel the permission to exhale.

Consider establishing a plan to create this type of environment. Find one or more that can be encoded into the DNA of your family and make the place you live a home of respite for your children.

UTILIZE THE SENSES

Our bodies are often more aware of our surroundings than our brain. Someone struggling with anxiety can attest to that fact. When a setting triggers a panic response, it can take the mind more time to understand the reason behind the concern.

Growing up, this was something my mother did well and did intentionally. Due to my experience, I have adopted her habits. Piano music and scented candles create within me a sense of wellbeing that is hard to describe. The sounds and smells become a blanket of peace that wrap me in calm and ease away the day. It has become a signal of security for me, as well as my husband, since introducing it into my home. My hope is that it will instill that same reaction within my children.

Candles may give you a headache and you may detest piano music. That is ok. Find a way to engage the senses in a different way. Cooking might be your passion and those smells may become that signal for your family. Colors, bright and vibrant or neutral and soothing could speak the language of home to your household. Even the presence of a pet, can become a method of bringing someone into the atmosphere of calm. Find traditions that fit with your personality and the culture of your family, and engage it often.

HAVE A ROUTINE WAY TO CONNECT

The drive home from carpool or the walk from the school bus may not be the best settings to communicate with your child. Sometimes giving them space, as Andrea reflected in “Morning Meltdowns and Afternoon Attitudes,” can be most helpful for them to begin recalibrating from the day. However, being intentional and listening to their input is important.

Develop a method of connection. When something that works becomes tradition, the expectation of connection can be a lifeline for our children. Ways to begin this process could be family dinner, game nights, or craft time. It can be tailored to each child or something you do routinely, like cooking or eating a meal. Invite your kid to come alongside. Selena speaks to this as well in “Connecting in the Chaos.” Going through their homework assignments can become more about allowing them to process their day, rather than the task itself. A vehicle for connection that becomes a routine, can allow your family to be intentional, and build memories together.

DISCOVER YOUR CHILD’S LOVE LANGUAGE

Gary Chapman, a pastor and author from North Carolina, has written many books exploring the five love languages. I would recommend, “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Dr. Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D. as a method to explore the different ways children feel the most loved. These ways include physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and quality time. The presentation of these needs in children can look very different than adults.

Speaking love and encouragement intentionally can become a shield that protects our sons and daughters from the negativity and indifference of those they face in school. When they know they have an advocate in us, they have a foundation of feeling “enough.” The expression of love that targets their specific heart, will bring rhythms of peace into the walls of your home.

Life will always be difficult and perilous to navigate, but we can give our children a refuge. The storm of grades, low self-esteem, disappointments, hurts, heart-break, confusion and expectations will be present, but as parents we must be a safe haven in the midst of the storm. If not our home, where will they go to find comfort?

Trying to keep the winds at bay,

Allyson Pitre

back to school, counseling, emotion regulation, parenting

Morning Meltdowns and Afternoon Attitudes

Posted on August 19, 2019September 8, 2019 by themommytherapist

I truly hope your family’s back to school experience is consisting of melodious mornings and amicable afternoons! You know the ones with your kids enjoying breakfast together and playing outside after they have finished their homework. If your school year is starting off in a wonderful way, treasure it! However, for those of you who are already exhausted with school mornings and afternoons, this post is for you!

MORNING MELTDOWNS

Mornings can be hard for all of us. The waking up, getting it all ready, getting out of the door and where we need to be on time, and oh yeah, tending to the various emotions of our kids as well as our own. Mornings can especially exhausting when you have a child who is experiencing anxiety or anger about the school day. This can often trigger our own emotions leaving us feeling frustrated and hopeless as the day is only beginning. Here are some ideas to reduce and help you through morning meltdowns.

Structure Your Morning

If you, the parent, are overwhelmed, angry, anxious and stressed, these emotional states can certainly affect and almost be absorbed by your child. Prep the night before to reduce stress and rushing in the morning. Get up early enough to get yourself together and settled before meeting all of your kids’ needs. If you have a minute, do something to relieve your own anxiety. Exercise, devotional, and meditation are some morning stress reducers for me. Do your best to establish a set routine to create consistency and predictability, which can reduce stress for everyone.

Keep It Encouraging

Talk about things to look forward to in the day. If talking about the day causes too much anxiety for your child, talk about what you are looking forward to doing after school or on the weekend. Connect over getting ready or eating breakfast. There is nothing wrong with having an incentive if a child is really struggling with the back to school transition. In my family, we listen to uplifting music in the car, say a prayer for the day, talk about friends at school, set an incentive if necessary, and say, “You’re going to have a great day.”

Make Space for Meltdowns

Mornings may be hard for your child. If they are, there is hope that they will get smoother with time and making some changes suggested in the above two sections. I would recommend not expecting a miraculous change when you wake up each morning though. If mornings are hard, anticipate it, know what you need to do to stay calm, and connect with your child through the meltdown. In The Whole-Brain Child (I highly recommend this book, by the way!) by Siegel and Bryson, they recommend the strategy of connect and redirect. Authors state, “When a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.” Connect with your child’s emotion and provide empathy first, then work on some logical ways to calm down.

AFTERNOON ATTITUDES

Afternoons can be unpredictable. You wonder what mood your child will be in after school and what their day was like. You can get a great report from the teacher or their conduct sheet, and suddenly, when at home your child goes from being Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. What happened to the child who kept it together at school and is now talking back and crying? Talk about confusing! Here are some things to know.

After-School Restraint Collapse

Don’t take it personally or even disrespectfully if your child needs sometime to unwind afterschool and process their day. Most of the time your kids work really hard to keep it together during the day so they don’t get in trouble with teachers or jeopardize friendships. When they are with you, all bets are off. You are safe. You aren’t going anywhere. I often refer to parents as the emotional punching bag, because you are a safe target. They can let those feelings out they have been bottling up all day. This is called after-school restraint collapse.

It may come across as yelling or crying, but rather than shutting them down, try the connect and redirect approach with them. What you may learn is that they thought they did well on a test but didn’t, one of their friends stopped talking to them for an unknown reason, or something embarrassing happened in front of their whole class. Connect with their feelings and listen, then once the emotion has subsided redirect with some ideas to help them process feelings without using you as an emotional punching bag in the future. Expect that this after-school restraint collapse may be more prominent when the school year is starting.

Listen and Reflect in the Afternoon

Instead of bombarding your child with questions ask a specific question or tell them how glad you are to see them. Let them breathe. Often times we are well intentioned wanting to hear all about our child’s day but to them all of the questions feel pressure filled and like they are on trial. I know I wouldn’t like it if someone fired questions at me when I was trying to decompress from my workday. Once they are more relaxed and have time to unwind they may be more likely to talk about their day. If you have time to play with them, do something fun, or complete a task together as children may open up more in side-by-side tasks than conversation.

Journeying with you,

Andrea

For more reading on the after-school restraint collapse, check out this article:

https://www.mother.ly/child/if-your-child-falls-apart-after-school-theres-a-good-reason-why

https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/school-age/after-school-restraint-collapse-is-a-real-thing-heres-how-to-deal-with-it/

back to school, counseling, motherhood, parenting

I Can’t Even Handle It

Posted on August 12, 2019September 8, 2019 by themommytherapist

“I can’t even handle it!” That’s a phrase my five year old has come to use to communicate when she has intense feelings of being “too” overwhelmed, mad, helpless, stuck, anxious, or sad. I think this sentiment captures what we all feel as summer draws to a close and the school year ramps up. Whether juggling the many demands of being a teacher, a student, a parent guiding their children through the difficulties of school, or a homeschool parent, there are moments that just feel like too much, like we can’t even handle it.

Some seasons are unavoidably busier than others. The question is, How do we help guide our children, our students, and ourselves through these moments that are simply too much? While we may not be able to tame all the busy, we can set ourselves up for success in the midst of the busy by adding one essential thing to our calendar: margin.

Our culture has trained us to believe that the successful life is the busy life. We work long hours, fill the holes with extracurriculars, and don’t sleep nearly enough. The net result is that we are worn out, exhausted physically, spiritually and emotionally. We are left with an inner deficit that prevents us from being our best selves for those we love. Incorporating margin into our lives creates space for us to rest, nap, play, enjoy those activities that refresh us, or simply do nothing at all. Building margin into our lives is certainly counter to modern culture. Here are some tips I’ve found helpful for creating and using margin for my family’s physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

1. Plan it.

We don’t leave our doctor’s appointments or important meetings to chance. Why would we leave times to take care of our inner lives to chance? Take the time to add margin to your calendar. Literally. Go mark it on your calendar. If you really want to be able to resist the temptation and allure of constant busyness, set time aside for rest. I have personally decided that the time of margin that works best for my family is to commit to one day each week where we do nothing work related. We may go hiking, kayaking, do yard work, etc. But we intentionally stay away from filling this time with our vocational tasks.

2. Fill it.

Now that you’ve set aside time for margin, what will you do with it? Fill it with life giving activities. This may mean you take a nap, go on a hike, watch a movie with your family, or sit and drink a good cup of coffee. In his book, Emotionally Healthy Leadership, Peter Scazzero asks the question, What do you currently do that nurtures your Spirit and fills you with delight? Whatever your answer, fill your margin with that. This means my margin time will likely look different from yours, and that’s okay. The point of margin is to refill myself physically, spiritually and emotionally.

3. Guard it.

Once you have built in margin and made plans for putting it to the best use, you need to protect it. You must be willing to protect the time you set aside from the false emergencies of life. You may disappoint people or struggle with the fear of missing out, but once you’ve experienced the fruit of your rest, setting appropriate boundaries will become easier.

At the end of the day, margin in your life is intended to serve you and make your life more fulfilling. Friend, we are not machines created for production. We are human beings created for relationship. Resolve with me to create space for you to rest and be refreshed this school year, lest we find that we can’t even handle it.

Resolving to rest,

Tiffany Raley

back to school, counseling, motherhood, parenting

Connecting in the Chaos

Posted on August 5, 2019September 8, 2019 by themommytherapist

August has arrived and the movement and the change in the air is palpable as the school year is about to start. The school year has been a cycle that has driven my family’s life since my husband and I were in school ourselves. Our family has always worked with students in one capacity or another, and it feels natural that our children are now entering the rhythm of the school year along with us. We are all gearing up, in one capacity or another, to start this new season, and it has brought out a lot of different thoughts and emotions for all of us.

When you ask a child how they feel about school starting, you tend to get a lot of the same responses:

“Excited!”
“Nervous.”
“Sad that summer is over.”
“Looking forward to seeing my friends.”

Parents tend to give similar answers as well that range from thrilled to have their kids back in to school to anxious about how their children will do this school year. No matter what you and your children are feeling about this coming school year, there is one thing that is certain: everyone is walking into this school year with some degree of uncertainty about what the year is going to look like. This known uncertainty makes connecting as a family all the more important as everyone seeks stability in the midst of change.

So how do we create that connection?

Be Literal About It

Some of the best connection happens in actual connection. Virginia Satir, a pioneering therapist in family therapy, said “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” If you want to feel more connected with your children, try increasing the number of meaningful touches that you exchange during the day. This can include hugs, cuddles, kisses, a comforting hand on a shoulder, or even a pat on the back. Depending on both you and the age of your child, these touches will look different, but they have the potential to make a big difference in your relationship with your kids.

Be Face to Face

Another important way to connect to your kids is to be eye-to-eye with them. This means getting down on their level and engaging with them in a screen-free environment. Being completely present and engaged with our children provides a space for them to feel truly seen and heard. Aim for at least 15 minutes of one-on-one time with each child each day. If you don’t know what to do during that time, try reading a book together, playing a game, engaging in a new activity, or doing something physical together like going on a walk, or just ask your child what they would like to do.

Ask Open-Ended, Child-Specific Questions

When I was growing up, I dreaded hearing the generic after-school question: “So, how was your day?” As well-meaning as this question is, it can difficult for a child of any age to try to summarize the entire emotional and relational landscape of their day into a single answer. Instead, ask specific questions about what you are really curious about:

“Did you talk to your friend John today?”
“How did that math test go?”
“What was the funniest thing someone said to you today?”
“How did you show kindness to someone else today?”

These kinds of questions are often much easier for your children answer and can provide an opening for a conversation with your child.

Practice Saying No

Our culture places a high value on being busy, and being stressed out is often seen as a badge of honor. There are a lot of opportunities you can say yes to during the school year and so, so many of them are good. You might be able to sign your kids up for sports, music lessons, or your older kids may even get a job or take college prep courses. You might consider coaching a team, leading a Boy Scout or Girl Scout troop, or volunteer to be a classroom parent. While all of these can be good opportunities, there is absolutely such a thing as too much of a good thing. When your family’s schedule becomes so busy that you lose time to connect, both you and your children are losing something far too valuable and irreplaceable to not decide to out of something for the school year. It doesn’t take much for a family schedule to become overwhelming, so as more opportunities arise, take stock of your family’s values and resources. Then, practice saying no to the things that don’t make the top of the list.

In a season where everyone in your family is likely to become busier, disconnection and distance are likely to creep into your family relationships. Make sure that you are making and taking the time to create connections that will foster positive relationships with the people you love most.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena

motherhood, parenting

Edible Lessons

Posted on July 29, 2019July 29, 2019 by themommytherapist

Recently, I had the privilege of being able to bake with my almost three year old son. As toddlers usually do, he had been resistant to doing anything that required him to stay still for very long. However, as we worked it struck me how many life lessons I was able to teach him in that brief interaction.

WORKING TOGETHER IS BETTER.

Teamwork and cooperation are ideas that kids struggle to grasp at early ages. Actually, many adults fail to grasp this concept ever in their life. The idea that anyone can contribute and the process can be more enjoyable working together, is something I want him to take to heart. Whether he is paired with others during a class assignment or later in a work project, I want to begin to instill the pleasure of working with others.

IT IS OK TO GET MESSY.

He looked at me in horror as goops of dough plopped onto his footie pajamas. He saw in my laughter and shrug, that it was ok. There was no gasp or even insistence that we clean up immediately. I showed him my hands covered with the same goop and reminded him that getting messy is just part of the process.

MAKING MISTAKES HAPPEN, BUT WE DO NOT HAVE TO REACT WITH ANGER.

He spilled, and sloshed while he helped. Mom spilled and dropped things. He continually looked at Mom for a reaction. He is learning how to respond to situations based on how it is modeled for him. Sometimes I would get frustrated with myself for my clumsiness, a constant battle, but choosing to laugh it off rather than berate myself, teaches him about forgiving himself. Especially important since he inherited the clumsy gene!

TAKING TIME TO CREATE, CAN PRODUCE DELICIOUS RESULTS.

Learning to work for a desired result has become less common these days. Instant gratification can be easily communicated by my son’s question why we could not merely cook the muffins by microwave. I guess this speaks a little to some of my cooking methods. He had many bouts of frustration and whining while demanding his food. In these moments, we were able to talk about patience and the importance of waiting. Ultimately, he was able to experience the positive effects of working for a result while eating his fresh baked good.

HE HAS SOMETHING TO OFFER.

Taking time to include him was a sacrifice. The baking took longer and more of a mess was made. However, it told him that he was important and could contribute to something Mommy was working on. He was able to feel valued by the quality time, the praise when he did something well and the end result of something edible. My attention told him that he is worthwhile.

These lessons can be communicated in a variety of ways. What is something you enjoy that you can do with your little one?

Making messy memories, Allyson Pitre

isolation, loneliness, motherhood, parenting

Those What Ifs and Should Haves

Posted on July 22, 2019September 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

Maybe you can pinpoint the reason you are disconnected from others, but what about those pesky thoughts that perpetuate you staying disconnected and on an island away from people? We want connection. We want to belong. Most of us want to do life with others. However, our internal voice often stops us.

The great news is that our brains are moldable and can be retrained to improve our inner voice, that constant self-talk. If we can improve our self-talk, we can also enhance our connection with others and feel less isolated.

The What Ifs

Ever psyched yourself up for an outing, event, or social gathering only to talk yourself out of it with a “what if” statement like one of these?

What if my toddler throws one of his famous tantrums that turns heads?

What if my nine year old can’t control his hyperactivity and they judge my parenting?

What if they’ve heard about the recent choices my teenager made?

What if I just don’t fit in with this group of women?

Those “what if “ statements are really good at keeping us in the dark and prohibit us from doing things that will help us connect. Can you hear the anxiety in the “what ifs”? I often remind clients and myself that most of our “what if” thoughts do not come true.

If one or two of them does prove true, we will survive it. I often ask clients, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” and ask you the same question. When we frame it that way it does not seem as scary. If you are sure one of your “what ifs” will come true, like your child being defiant or having a rough moment, prepare yourself for it and have a plan. In spite of the “what ifs” swirling in your head, go to the play date, meet up with moms for coffee, or attend the event. You will likely find that you have a much better time than you thought.

When we recognize our “what ifs”, we also have the power to stop living in the “what ifs.” One of my favorite quotes is from Corrie ten Boom. “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” Take it from someone who knew suffering and may have felt isolated during her immense hardships. Don’t let those “what ifs” steal the strength you have today.

The Should Haves

Ever talked yourself out of going to another event or staying connected with a group of people because of the “should have” thoughts that followed afterwards?

I should have kept quiet when they discussed that controversial topic.

I should have been less vulnerable and kept my conversation on a surface level.

I should have worn something else.

I should have used a different parenting approach in front of them.

Can you hear the anxiety, self-defeat, and even shame in those “should have” statements? In cognitive behavioral therapy, we call “should statements” a cognitive distortion. This means it is an unhealthy pattern of thinking sure to produce negative emotional results.

If you got out of your house and connected with people, you succeeded. You did something healthy and maybe it was vulnerable, so don’t let the “should have” statements rob your joy. Brene’ Brown reminds us, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” If a moment is awkward or you could have done something differently, take note and move on. Replaying it in your mind a hundred times probably won’t make you feel better. Retreating and not engaging because of a perceived negative moment will not produce healing either, only more hurt.

Encouragement for Introverts

As an introvert, I understand thinking about connecting, doing something social, or even sometimes picking up the phone to call and check on a friend out of state feels like too much after you’ve been interacting with your family or people at work all day. You need to be alone to recharge, and that’s okay. Consider setting a weekly or biweekly goal for connecting with others. If you don’t have a group or people you consider “your people,” start working to build one with a couple of people you trust or can learn to trust. When I became pregnant with my first child, I did not have a network of close mom friends who lived near me. My close friends were in different seasons of life or located hundreds of miles away. I had to seek out new people, connect with others, and build friendships. I am so glad I did the legwork to build friendships with other moms who have children similar in age as mine. These women have been such blessings in my life. When you start milling through the “what ifs” in your mind, remember connecting and meaningful relationships are worth it.

Charge to Extroverts

How great is it that you get your energy from being around others! Your love for people and energy can be magnetic. Continue to be mindful not to let those “what ifs” and “should haves” get you down. Your energy is needed. I would encourage you to invite others in, especially those who you know might reach out on their own. Be an includer; no one wants to be on the outside. If you are an extrovert who finds yourself in a season of loneliness or isolation, I would encourage to reach out and make the connection with a trusted friend. You will likely be glad that you did!

Final Thought

I encourage you, introvert or extrovert, outgoing or shy, to make one stride against isolation and towards connection this week. Call that friend out of town. Invite someone over. Arrange a play date for your kids so you can spend time with another mom. Attend something social. Check on a friend who you know has had a hard time.

When those pesky “what ifs” or “should haves” come to mind, picture a red stop sign in your brain, stop the thought, and show up anyway. The more you do this, the less consuming those thoughts will become.

Blessings,

Andrea