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boundaries, counseling, emotion regulation, parenting

Getting Unstuck

Posted on December 2, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

There is something about families that makes it hard to stick to our boundaries. It’s perfectly normal to be better at boundaries with some people in your life than others. You may have no problem not answering the phone when a telemarketer calls or asking a stranger to stop smoking when you and your kids are nearby. It may be a little harder to draw the line with your friend who continues to drop by unannounced or your co-worker who asks you questions that are just a little too personal for your taste. You may find it increasingly easy to advocate for your kids at school or to find time for yourself to get the self-care that you need most. But somehow, no matter how much practice you have with setting and maintaining boundaries, practicing them with your family is an entirely different ballgame.

Our families, just like our bodies, strive to preserve homeostasis. Homeostasis is our body’s ability to maintain its internal condition as external conditions change. One example of this is your body’s core temperature. Your body’s temperature usually stays within a 1-2 degree range; whenever your temperature starts to rise or fall too much you begin to shiver or sweat, depending upon whether you are becoming too hot or too cool. In other words, your body is constantly adapting to your external environment so that your internal environment can stay as stable and constant as possible. In the same way, our family relationships tend to shift and adapt as external circumstances change so that things tend to stay predictable and comfortable.

“Our family is, except in rare circumstances, the most important emotional system to which most of us ever belong; it shapes the course and outcome of our lives. Relationships and functioning (physical, social, emotional, and spiritual) are interdependent, and a change in one part of the system is followed by compensatory change in other parts of the system…When a person changes his or her predictable emotional input in a family, reactions also change, interrupting the previous flow of interactions in the family. Other family members are likely to be jarred out of their patterned responses, and to react by trying to get the disrupter back in to place again.”
Monica McGoldrick, Exploring the Genogram

Our families are wired to reject changes. Just as our bodies start to sweat to cool off and maintain its temperature, so will our families seem to unconsciously rally to protect family norms. These responses and changes are almost always unconscious, but they serve the very important function of maintaining relational predictability in your family. Uncle Ebb will always pick a fight and talk about politics, you cousin Alice will always choose to stay neutral in whatever family conflict is occurring and your brother can always be relied upon to break the tension by breaking out the board games or doing dad joke improv. If the roles in your family feel fixed and unchangeable, then your family is probably really great at maintaining homeostasis.

Homeostatis in a family is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a great thing when it allows a healthy family to readjust after a period of crisis. However, it does make creating change within your family especially hard work. Whenever you work to change a boundary in your family, you are not only working against patterns of behavior that have been established, but possibly against generations of relationships and patters that reinforce that same behavior.

What’s the best way to make a change?

Practice

By this point, you can predict some interactions that are likely to occur whenever you are with your family. If you are looking to create some change or reinforce a boundary, practice the words, tone, and even the body language you want to use. When we are stressed or caught off guard, we tend to resort back to old patterns. By practicing how you want to respond differently beforehand, you are giving yourself a better chance in the moment.

Expect some Chaos

When you respond differently than normal, be prepared for something unexpected to happen. A relative who normally keeps quiet may start to voice opinions or your actions may seem to cause frustration or confusion. Try to have compassion for your family members and their response to you; your actions are forcing them to respond differently and it’s rarely comfortable to be forced into change. Patience and compassion can help diffuse conflict while also sticking to your boundaries.

Get Help

Sometimes you just need some outside help to create change in your family. Oftentimes we are too close and too involved in the dance our families are engaged in to see what needs to be done to change the dance. Talk to a therapist or trusted friend to help gain some new insights into what might be the next best step with your family.

Wishing you luck with your holiday boundaries,

Selena

Uncategorized

Navigating the Holidays

Posted on November 25, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

Navigating holiday schedules seems to be a unique skill reserved for the strong. Where to go and who to spend time with. The tug of responsibilities and expectations. Somehow fulfilling obligations, but also holding our boundaries in a healthy stance.

Responsibility // something required to do
Obligation // a commitment
Expectation // belief that someone will or should do something
Boundary // a line that marks limits

It would be easiest to navigate life if we all had boundary lines that were visible to other people. No unrealistic expectations, just neon orange flagging staked out around our life to make things easily noticed. But that itself is an unrealistic thought, so we must learn how to communicate our boundaries.

Before we can communicate our boundaries to others, we must figure them out for ourselves and our family. Boundaries for holidays can include space for time, physical space, mental space, financially, and emotionally. So how do we create boundaries for all these categories in a practical manner?

Time // Don’t overschedule. Look at your calendar often. Plan activities out. Instead of attempting to keep up with all the activities we see through social media, figure out what your family prioritizes and stick to those.
Physical // How many people are currently sick around us? It’s important to listen to our bodies and to be wise as our families are out and about. It’s also important to rest. It’s ok to nap! It’s ok to take a break.
Mentally // The holiday hustle is exhausting. But more than just physically exhausting, it can be mentally exhausting. It’s important to know our limits and take the time to take care of ourselves.
Financially // Consumerism constantly preaches more and bigger. Without financial boundaries, we can quickly be overwhelmed and stressed. Setting realistic expectations and even a little budgeting are healthy ways to set boundaries.
Emotionally // The holidays are bound to hold disappointments. Empty chairs at the table, less cards received, or maybe not being able to be with the ones we love. These emotions need room to process. Setting some time to handle the emotions we experience give us the opportunity to process in the right time while experiencing other emotions in the moment. It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok the be joyous and we don’t have to feel guilty.

On a personal note, I know that this year will be a hard Christmas. We lost my grandmother this year and the holiday season includes her birthday and what would generally be a giant gathering of family. Generally, it would be my nature to shove my feelings down, not be a burden, and feel guilty for any sadness that arrives during the most wonderful time of the year. But that’s not healthy or fair to anyone. So, I’ll be honest with my feelings and my family while giving myself the freedom to miss her.

Boundaries aren’t meant to be of harm to the people outside of the boundaries. We shut our doors to protect the people inside. So setting boundaries for ourselves and our families should be looked at as protection. As mothers, it’s our job to set boundaries for our families. We know the limits of our children. Setting boundaries allows them to be in the best emotional, physical, and mental health and that is more important than keeping up with the unrealistic expectations this world throws our way.

Guest blog by: Lacey Rabalais

https://laceyrabalais.com/

boundaries, coparenting, counseling, home, motherhood, parenting, values

Building Boundaries

Posted on November 18, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” can often mean nervousness, irritability and sadness. The holidays often illuminate the dysfunction in relationships that exists throughout the year, but can be easily ignored. It can be difficult to navigate this season with any sort of intentionality or serenity when family of all sorts begin to descend upon the calm you have built around yourself. Here are a few ways you can create boundaries that are healthy and helpful.

UTILIZE AN OBJECTIVE SOUNDING BOARD

We often color our memories with rationalized rose colored glasses. We can excuse our behavior or another person’s behavior when we remember only in our own minds. Therefore, having an outsider help us evaluate our desires and expectations can be helpful. For example, if our holidays are often stressful and we cannot identify the source, whether another’s behavior or our own unrealistic expectations, someone listening to our struggles can be what makes a difference. This can be a professional, or a friend. It is important that this friend be someone that is honest always and will not avoid difficult conversations. This can allow us to have realistic, healthy boundaries.

HAVE A CONVERSATION BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS

It can be tempting to avoid setting boundaries until another “incident” that reinforces the need for boundaries, occurs. However, those times are emotion-fueled and can result in more hurtful conversation. Sitting down with that person or people face to face, when possible, is the best option. It is uncomfortable, but has the best chance of success.

Sometimes people are unaware that a boundary has been cross and cannot read your mind. In those cases, it is more of a relief to have the desire exposed rather than seething in silence. In the instances that the other person does not understand the expectation, it can be a moment to express yourself calmly and be understood. The most difficult conversation is with someone that will be offended by the discussion. However, due to your intentional broaching of the subject, they have to hear what you say rather than respond in defensiveness and blame how you approached the subject. They are able to make the choice whether to honor your boundaries and have a pleasant time, or violate them and experience the consequences you have decided will be your response.

STATE THE EXPECTATION IN POSITIVE LANGUAGE

It is best to share the desired behavior rather than state what you would like them to “not do”. For example, “we need you to follow the physical desires of our children by offering a hug or high five.” This is different than insisting that the family member will “not hug my child”. By phrasing your desire positively it is an easier, less blaming way to present the boundary.

RECORD/ REMEMBER SPECIFIC INCIDENTS

This is not to rattle off how awful someone has been, or “throw it in their face”. However, when stating a boundary that you feel is important, the person hearing the boundary may react with indignation and insist they would never cross that boundary. For example, if using cursing language is something you are not comfortable with around your children and a family member has a history of that behavior, remembering and providing an example when it occurred could be helpful.

HOLD TO YOUR BOUNDARIES

It can be tempting to give allowances when an incident occurs. It can be difficult to “make a scene” or “rock the boat”. However, you created the boundary for a reason. Allowing it to be violated without a comment, redirection or consequence may cause your directives to carry less weight.

Another reason to hold onto your boundaries, is how it may effect you. You did not decide to go against someone’s stated expectations. Yet, if you do not speak it effects your emotions and time with others during the holiday festivities. Passive aggressiveness, hurt and stewing resentment become your companions rather than joy at the spirit of the season.

Setting boundaries can be an anxiety producing task. However, it protects you, your family and your sanity around the holiday season. You have the power to create an atmosphere of safety and be an advocate for those closest to you.

Constructing alongside,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

boundaries, coparenting, counseling, home, motherhood, parenting, values

Protecting Yourself Instead of Pleasing Everyone Else

Posted on November 11, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

Growing up, I loved the holiday season! The breaks from school, family traditions, fun, gratitude, togetherness, magical feelings, and the reason for Christmas are a few. When I go to my parents’ home on Christmas as an adult, it feels like I’m stepping into a Southern Living magazine. They really know how to do Christmas, and I treasure this. As a parent of two young children, alarm bells go off in my brain when I think of planning all of the details of the holiday season.

I go to the panic zone that was introduced in last week’s blog. One alarm sets off another and another and goes something like this. How am I going to get everything done? What traditions should we start or continue? How many side dishes do I have to make? How many people do I need to buy for? What house(s) are we going to when? How in the heck is my house going to look like a magazine with two young kids? Last year my husband told me not to even talk about the holidays when I brought it up in October. Balancing the holidays between families was something we learned to dread because we put too much pressure on ourselves.

I promise this is not a Debbie Downer post! I am learning to get out of the panic zone and into the learning zone with the holidays. We have had to setup some appropriate boundaries when planning the holiday season including letting perfection go and doing the best we can. We brainstorm. We make decisions that work best for our family. We communicate with our extended families, both sides living in the same town as us. We do the best we can.

I often find that there is pressure to please both sides of family with the holiday season so no one feels left out. Seeing family is important. Considering others and their feelings is the right thing to do, but being governed by pleasing others sets us up for resentment and burnout. In contrast, maybe some of us avoid one side of the family and have such intense boundaries setup that we miss out on spending time with them.

We have learned that we cannot do two houses in one day for Thanksgiving and Christmas, or we turn into crazy people. We started switching years for Thanksgiving and doing two different Christmas celebrations. We plan fun, meaningful holiday events during the season for our family of four but do not focus on keeping up with what everyone else is doing. When my children look back on their childhood holidays, I want them to have wonderful memories like I do. I do not want them to remember stressed out parents who were rushing them around.

As we are planning for the holidays, let’s do what is best for our immediate family still while considering (but not aiming to please) others. When others’ expectations are not met because of decisions we make that is okay. Best case scenario, they can give us grace. Not good scenario, they can make a scene. It’s okay. As you may be disappointed by the choices some of your extended family members make during the holiday season, remember grace upon grace, and sometimes people have boundaries for reasons that are not known to us.

Learning and thankful,

Andrea

boundaries, comfortzone, counseling, motherhood, parenting

Pushing Your Comfort Zone

Posted on November 4, 2019November 2, 2019 by themommytherapist

There are officially 51 days until Christmas.

Our family is 100% team Buddy the Elf. We’re that family that had our Christmas tree up a week before Halloween and left our blinds open for everyone to see. Sorry we’re not sorry.

Whether you like to slow down and savor each holiday, if you’ve been singing carols since Christmas in July, or if you’re somewhere in between, the holiday season tends to look different than the rest of the year for everyone. There are more programs and parties at school, the workplace, church, etc. There are decisions to make about traditions to create, continue, or change. There are decisions to be made about budgets and who you are buying presents for and what to buy for each person. There are family members to see, not see, remember, and wonder about during a season in which it seems like everyone is spending time with their families. Some of these decisions are easy, some change each year, and some are always agonizing to make. That’s why we are going to take these next two months to write on the topic of boundaries.

Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person sets that determines reasonable ways for people to behave around us. We all tend to have our own internal gauge for boundaries; even if you cannot state what they are, chances are you know when they’ve been crossed. There are lots of different kinds of boundaries: time boundaries, emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, etc. The holiday season often brings us many opportunities to examine and adjust our boundaries, and hopefully we are able to help you with some of yours this season!

One of my favorite things about the holiday season is the weather. More specifically, I look forward to evenings that are finally cool enough to enjoy a fire outside. So as soon as a weekend of cool evenings came around in October, we went camping as a family for the first time. My husband and I both used to live and work at a Christian outdoor adventure camp (think: rock climbing, rappelling, zip lines, and backpacking), so our love of the outdoors has always been something that we have wanted to bring into our family life. In fact, we bought our first family tent whenever our first child was just a few months old. Turns out, we were a little too ambitious. It took us three years to actually pitch that tent outside for the first time. And over those three years, almost every time I would think about camping with our kids for the first time, I would almost visibly cringe.

Why did it take us so long?

Do I love the outdoors? Absolutely. Do I enjoy camping? Sure! Do I want to clean up a blow-out in an area without running water? …have two kids in diapers in a tent? …bring baby food on a camping trip? …and do all of that while sweating in the Louisiana heat the entire time?…nah, that really doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time. So it took having one kid potty trained, cool weather, and having two clean(ish) eaters before I was finally ready to have our first camping adventure.

If at this point you think I’m some wild outdoorswoman that lives and breathes for sleeping on the ground, then I have some news for you. I haven’t always love the outdoors. In fact, the first time I went tent camping was the summer after my freshman year of college. While I have developed enough comfort with the outdoors to get excited about planning a backpacking trip, my preferred state of existence (even now) involves me sitting inside on a cozy couch or armchair, curled up in a blanket, and engaging in some kind of quiet activity (which happens to be exactly what I am doing as I write this). But something about camping changes me. It took me some time to figure out why I love camping, but it has a lot to do with Senninger’s Learning Zone Model. This model suggests that all of our experiences occur in one of three different zones: the comfort zone, the learning zone, and the panic zone. Growth happens in the learning zone.

I also really like how this chart places growth on one axis and unfamiliarity on another:

My comfort zone is very clearly inside in a cozy place doing cozy things and taking daily showers. And I learned in the three years that it took us to actually go camping that taking a baby on a camping trip was very solidly in my panic zone. But something that I’ve learned about myself is that camping always brings me to my learning zone. Camping always pushes me towards some kind of growth. Camping requires me to sacrifice comfort in favor of other good things that I want to introduce into my life, like increasing my tolerance for the unknown, becoming more adaptable, and putting the needs of the group above my own individual needs. Camping in new places and in new ways requires me to learn and use new skills. Camping with my family meant releasing control of many of the routines, conveniences, and comforts that I really value as a part of my daily life, but I also slowed down and enjoyed my family in ways that our busy life at home doesn’t always allow.

During this holiday season I want to challenge you to be okay with pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone and to step into the learning zone. Look for a boundary that makes you comfortable and ask yourself if it’s time to step into the learning zone so that you can let more of something good into your life. Take small steps, especially if you haven’t stepped out of that comfort zone in a long time. Your learning zone might be very small if you’ve been comfortable for a long time, and growth doesn’t happen when you feel scared or panicked. But take that step. Come and meet me in the learning zone. Let’s keep pushing ourselves towards growth.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena

coparenting, counseling, motherhood, parenting, values

It Takes a Village

Posted on October 28, 2019October 29, 2019 by themommytherapist

Many of us are on our parenting journey with the assistance of others in addition to our partner. “It takes a village” resonates with those of us who have extended family, dear friends, or nannies/sitters who help care for our kids. This can be a wonderful asset! There is nothing like people who surrounding our kids with love and support. A network of support can help fuel connection and build resilient children.

This extra support can sometimes be a challenge when it comes to determining appropriate roles and boundaries with others helping care for our kids. Sometimes buttons get pushed or frustrations arise. We know it is important for healthy family members to be in children’s lives but may not like that it takes multiple days to get kids back into sync after spending time with grandparents. Friends may parent differently than we do. Sitters may allow more screen time than is preferred by the parent.

If you have people helping care for your kids, it’s reasonable to expect that they will do things differently than you. Grandparents play a huge role nowadays in helping with children. Carpool lines and waiting rooms are filled with grandparents transporting grandkids to school, appointments, practices, and events. In order to live with the “it takes a village” mindset successfully, two principles are needed: trust and respect.

TRUST

Do I trust this person with my child? Am I completely comfortable with them taking care of my children? Do they have my child’s best interest in mind? If we don’t fully trust someone with the care of our children it is going to be difficult to leave them with that person or believe the best. When we do trust the person and know they have our children’s best in mind, we can have peace of mind as we are tending to our own responsibilities.

RESPECT

Does the person keeping my child respect my wishes? Do they listen to my family’s values? Do I respect their autonomy when with my child? It is a rocky road when others do not respect the parents’ wishes (within reason). When we respect the person helping with our children and they respect us, we are setup for a successful relationship. I would encourage you to reflect on the amount of respect you are giving and receiving when it comes to childcare to determine what is right for your family.

Finally, communicate. Communication can provide clarity and resolve a host of potential issues. When we have trust, respect, and communication with those who help care for our children, everyone benefits, most importantly, the kids!

Thankful,

Andrea

coparenting, counseling, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized, values

Creating Something New

Posted on October 21, 2019October 29, 2019 by themommytherapist

I’m sure you’ve seen the meme circulating about how parents make different choices in the rearing of their children, but in the end everyone has hit their kid’s head on the car when putting them into their carseat. It is funny and sad because it is so true. There are so many decisions and perspectives yelling for our attention as parents. Some people are able to narrow their frame of reference to include the traditions and history modeled by their own families. However, when your experiences are those of pain and chaos, there is no where to turn when decisions are uncertain.

Dysfunction is everywhere. Often it invades our families and distresses our childhoods. When it comes to parenting, remembering the parenting we have received can be a laundry list of our parents’ mistakes. No parent is perfect, but when the main parenting style you claim is “the opposite of my parents”, there can be some difficulty. There is nothing wrong with your struggle. There is the chance to be better. To do better for the next generation.

Here are a few ideas to consider when you cannot lean on your parents’ examples:

CONSIDER YOUR COMMUNITY

There will always be people you see and admire. Especially those that engage with their children with seeming supernatural patience and wisdom. These people are flawed, but can also be a great resource of information. If you feel particularly brave, ask their stance on certain issues and learn their reasons. Seldom are parents stingy with their parenting opinions. Often we have to ask others to keep their thoughts to themselves. Being able to share passionate beliefs related to caring for our small ones, is something we all find important. If you are not feeling brave, observe. We can learn so much from watching those around us and gleaning their ideas from seeing their behavior. The goal of observing is not with the purpose of comparison. Let me type that again, not for the purpose of comparison. Remember that parenting is a journey. Look around for those navigating a little ahead or at a little smoother pace and utilize that resource.

CONSIDER HELPING PROFESSIONALS

Seeking professional help related to parenting is not a negative. There are parenting classes available through some community centers, hospitals and churches. Find somewhere that mirrors the principles you want to instill in your children and take advantage of those opportunities. However, trusting professionals could be a more personal choice than training. Sometimes wounds from parents run deep. Finding a way to mend and heal from those wounds will make you a better parent. The phrase, “hurt people, hurt people,” is true. A more specific truth: hurt parents can create hurting children. You must deal with your own pain and consequences from your parents’ choices so that you can prevent the same injuries. A healthy you, is a step toward healthy children.

CONSIDER YOUR CO-PARENT

Apart from outliers, you intentionally chose the person with which you have a child. There was something within them and the relationship that created a sense of trust. A belief that they were someone reliable and safe. Lean on that. Even if both of you have come from dysfunctional families, you are two brains committed to a healthy childhood for your children. Utilize that partnership and become a team of advocates for your family if they have proven to be consistently trustworthy. Explore the positives and negatives from your formative years, decide how to emulate the parenting style you value. Do research together and share the load. Allow them to be a sense of reality apart from your experiences.

CONSIDER YOUR INSTINCTS

The fact that you are unsure and insecure about your parenting choices due to negative decisions made by your parents, is a good sign. It shows the dedication you have to making sure your children have a different experience. Often, when looking at many of the ideas related to parenting, you know what is best for your child. This may not always be true and without question. However, there is something to be said for your understanding and knowledge of your child and your family. Have faith in yourself and your ability to parent due to your dedication to your kids. Self-awareness goes a long way in being a better parent. Explore the effects of your parents’ parenting on you as an individual and decide the choices you will avoid or boundaries you will set in your own family. This is one of greatest gifts you can give to yourself and the next generation.

A perspective that you may appreciate, or may not, is the aid that prayer can have in this setting of new patterns. My own mother parented out of a new desire and new plan in contrast to her upbringing. She always shares that the way she was able to do things differently was “through prayer and asking God to show me how to make it different”. She often quotes the scripture 2 Corinthians 12:10, “where I am weak, then I am strong” and James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God.” Look, He is doing a new thing!

You are doing great. Sometimes deciding to parent after a difficult childhood can be the bravest decision of them all. Your concerns are valid, but you are not your parents. You are creating something new and different. You get to decide the tempo and culture of your family. Make it count. Make it different. Make it yours.

Battling with you for the next generation,

Allyson

coparenting, counseling, divorce, home, parenting, values

Separately and Together

Posted on October 14, 2019October 29, 2019 by themommytherapist

Those of you, who are single, separated, or divorced, we see you. We know that your parenting journey is likely complex. Your friends that are raising kids in a home with both parents may be supportive but cannot completely understand what you are going through. You have likely been through or are on an emotional roller coaster over the care of your children. Though it is impossible to cover every circumstance or situation when you are co-parenting with your child’s parent who you are not living with, it is possible to encourage you in a few areas for the benefit of you and your child.

Behind the Scenes Parenting

Communication is key to co-parenting from different homes so that your child is not placed in the role of the liaison between parents. If your child currently is the liaison, I would encourage you to remove him or her from this role as it can be so stressful on the child. If communication with your child’s other parent is less than ideal, I would encourage behind the scenes communication as much as possible so that the child is not experiencing heated conflict between parents. Communication between both parents can help a child feel connected to both parents and felt taken care of as they know both parents have knowledge of his or her needs and what is important to him or her.

When possible, it is great if both parents can be on the communication lists for school, extracurricular activities, appointments, and important events so that both parents are in the loop and the child knows this. Find a communication method that works best for you. Sometimes it seems like each text message, email, phone call or face to face interaction with the other produces a range of negative emotions. When this is occurring, take some time to regroup by yourself so you are not relaying this to your child.

Cut the Criticism

I preach this, and I know it is so hard! Please do not put down your child’s other parent in front of them. Children do not want to hear bad things about either parent even if it is true. That other parent is part of your child. Often times what one parent says about the other gets back to the other parent via the child, and this does nothing to help effective co-parenting.

I write this humbly as I am sure there are layers and layers of hurt and frustration behind those comments that are critical in nature. “Hurt people hurt people,” and I know you do not want to further hurt your child with the comments about his or her other parent. Please take the high road. This is a great area to work on with a counselor so that you do have a place to process all of that hurt and say those comments!

In the event that your child’s other parent is not in the picture because of abuse, neglect, or addiction, having an age appropriate conversation with your about the other parent’s choices/illness may be necessary. I would encourage you to seek the advice of a professional here.

Letting Go

It can be very difficult to have your child being parented in a way that is not your choice. If the way he or she is being parented at the other parent’s home is causing them distress, is abusive, is unsafe, or something is blatantly wrong, of course it is time to speak up. In some cases a mediator or attorney may be needed. Generally speaking communication is needed to discuss values that you would like to see for your child in each home. Realistically, you cannot control the way the other parent parents, and you may do things completely different.

For the everyday things that you cannot control at the other home, like bedtime, dinner choice, screen time, and routine, I encourage you to let it go. Your mental health will be better for it. I know it is difficult, but consider letting one thing go this week. In the same fashion, stop yourself before reprimanding your child for not putting himself to bed a decent time if you know the other parent does not enforce a bedtime. You can encourage good choices, but it is never a good feeling for a child to get in trouble for something the other parent allows, like bedtime or screen time.

Advertise What You Agree On

Savor what you agree on with your child’s other parent. Be thankful for it! As it takes five positive interactions to cancel out one negative interaction, each time you can agree and make a joint decision, you are putting coins in the positive co-parenting bank.

Advertise what you agree on to your child. Knowing both parents are for and behind him/her can strengthen a child’s resiliency and enhance confidence. Here are some examples of advertising what you agree on.

“Your dad and I are so proud of your hard work at school this nine weeks.”

“Your mom and I support your decision to focus on more on baseball and not play basketball this year.”

“Mom and I were talking today about what good choices you have been making.”

“Dad and I are both seeing that you haven’t been yourself lately. We wanted to check in.”

I would encourage you to continue to run this race with perseverance leaning on the necessary supports: faith, family, friends, and hopefully a therapist. You are seen and your journey matters. Please remember that each day is a new day, and your relationship with your child is irreplaceable.

With kindness and humility,

Andrea

coparenting, counseling, motherhood, parenting, values

Grounded Parenting

Posted on October 7, 2019October 6, 2019 by themommytherapist

About a year after I became a parent, a meme started to circulate about motherhood:

How To Be A Mom in 2017: Make sure your children’s academic, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, physical, nutritional, and social needs are met while being careful not to overstimulate, understimulate, improperly medicate, helicopter, or neglect them in a screen-free, processed foods-free, GMO-free, negative energy-free, plastic-free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian but also authoritative, nurturing but fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free two-story, multilingual home preferably in a cul-de-sac with a backyard and 1.5 siblings spaced at least two year apart for proper development also don’t forget the coconut oil.
How To Be A Mom In Literally Every Generation Before Ours: Feed them sometimes.
-Bunmi Laditan

While it’s easy to look at this list and laugh at how unrealistic it is, it really does describe the ways that I often feel pressured to parent by the world around me. There is always a new theory, method, or parenting style that becomes vogue and sometimes you can’t help but wonder, “Should I be doing that too?” But trying to do every little thing right and please others with your parenting style is a battle that you can never win. You are either too much of one thing or not enough of another and there are never enough hours in the day to do everything that feels expected of you. And things get even messier when the people closest to you have different opinions on what is most important to do as a parent.

All of this can feel overwhelming, especially when you have to juggle figuring all of this out with a partner or family member who is parenting with you. How do you decide which good things to choose for your family and which to let go of? Are there good things you are allowed to let go of? How do you choose between two good choices, or even between two bad ones?

KNOW YOUR VALUES

When you know your values, it is easier to make parenting decisions. Parenting comes with a lot of expectations and your values make it clear which expectations are the most important to fulfill. Otherwise, everyone in your family will be overwhelmed, disappointed, and frankly, confused. It can be even be hard to choose values as a family because there are so many good ones, but try to narrow it down to 3-5 primary values. There is a fun tool at https://www.think2perform.com/our-approach/values/new that you can use to help you explore what values are important to both you and your partner.

Coming to a mutual decision concerning values helps primary parents set goals, communicate better, and more easily make both the hard and mundane decisions. It is also helpful for keeping your parenting grounded in the midst of all of the other voices in your lives, including friends, media, in-laws, babysitters, school, the church, and other parental figures in the life of your child.

VALUES KEEP EVERYONE ON THE SAME PAGE

One of the best ways to learn and check your own understanding on a topic is to teach it to someone else. So ask yourself, do you know your parenting values well enough to teach them to someone else? Everyone involved in parenting your child has had a different experience with the world, and even if they say they have the same values as you, their nuanced interaction with the world around them will make their understanding of a particular value a little different than your own. Being able to clearly articulate the values that are important to you to your co-parent or other parenting figures in your child’s life ensures that everyone is on the same page. If your babysitter, your neighbors, your best friend, and your in-laws all know your family’s top three parenting values and what those values mean to your family, then it will be easier for everyone to participate in your family’s life in more seamless ways that reinforce your values.

KEEP IT VISIBLE

Once you have decided on your parenting values and have taken the time to really evaluate what those values mean for your family specifically, keep them visible. Create a family motto and hang it on your wall. Have your kids draw a picture of what those values look like to them. Set a reminder in your phone to talk to your parenting partners periodically about how well you are doing in creating a life that reflects your values. Change the lyrics to a song to include your values and learn it as a family. This way when the questions and uncertainties of parenting come your way, you can make sure that what you value is also what you are living.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena

counseling, motherhood, parenting, trauma

The Trauma Mama

Posted on September 30, 2019October 3, 2019 by themommytherapist

I’m really excited to introduce this week’s guest author. Jessie Howell lives in Pensacola, FL and has been fostering with her husband, Taran, for 10 years. She’s a mom of 7 amazing kiddos, 2 of whom are biological, 3 have been adopted, and 2 are currently in foster care. Jessie and Taran have fostered over 100 children and Jessie teaches parenting classes in their community. Jessie also does work as a behavioral consultant, observing parents and children in their homes and working with them to help create a more functional home environment. I hope you are as impacted by her words as I have been. – Selena

As a foster mom for the last 10 years I have been able to serve trauma babies, children, teens and their parents. All of them are trying to navigate their lives and break the cycles of trauma. It is an honor and a burden. Each child brings up new challenges and new discoveries about myself. I have sat in trainings, read books, listened to Ted Talks, talked to therapists and gone to counseling. There are things that make today so much easier than when I began 10 years ago and there are still things that take my breath away the very same as our first experience. If you are a foster parent, an adoptive parent, a parent of children with special needs this blog is for you. When I think about the biggest obstacle I have faced as a trauma mom personally it was the isolation. The times I sat and cried alone grieving for children and the abuse they experienced.

There have always been people in my corner, but to even let them in is hard. When I meet with parents and hear their stories, isolation is always a theme. Today I want you to know that you are not alone. The behaviors you see, the unmet expectations you experience, the life adjustments that feel like no one else in the world is having to make, in those things, you are not alone. There is a community that sees you. There is a whole community that is coming up for air and then plunging back into the depths of despair to live with their loved ones and meet them where they are. My prayer is that this post will bring you comfort, peace, and a sense of community that is so hard to find and feel in the trenches of trauma.

My two oldest sons recently went on a trip to a summer camp. When they returned, I started the normal drilling them of their questions, as any mom would do. As I listened to one share all the funny stories another sat quiet in the backseat, finally I asked more specific questions. I found out that on this trip he had been alone. He sat alone at meals, walked around alone, played games with the adults because the other kids weren’t playing with him. I was heart-broken and angry. This child is fun, kind, creative, athletic, and so much more. How could he be so alone in the midst of so many kids and so many activities that demand community? This led to me examining my life deeper, how can I be in the midst of so many people and activities that demand community and still be alone?

We cannot heal from our own trauma or help others heal from trauma alone. We can surround ourselves with people, but if we do not have a strong sense of belonging and love we are still alone. We have to be on both the giving end of love and the receiving end to fully experience it. It is easy to be busy with people and be alone. I also know that statistics say that 80 % of families that have trauma children or children with special needs will stop going to church or quit all social clubs after the first year….80%. I have to believe this is because we go to all these places and still feel alone. This is one of my favorite quotes from Brene Brown:

You, my dear friends, are too important to quit on community. You belong in community. You are loved. The way you love is a beautiful example. One time when talking to a fellow trauma mama about doing community she said “Jessie, I just couldn’t show up one more time with cookies from Publix while everyone walked in with their homemade desserts.” As hard as it is to believe, let me tell you: no one else cares about the cookies. We didn’t care if she brought anything. She brings enough to the table just by showing up. If you are in a season of store brought cookies, (or if even that sounds like a struggle) keep showing up. You belong in community. Your community doesn’t care about your cookies, and if they do, find a different community. You are more important. You love others well. Come be loved on. Belong to your community. The definition of belong is “to be specifically placed” I am telling you find your place to be specifically placed. Choose to not believe the lie that you don’t belong. Come to these beautiful places that talk about trauma and see that you are not alone.

We ask our foster children to let us meet them right where they are. The beauty and strength it requires to be exposed and to accept the love right where you are is hard for anyone. Trauma has taught us (and those we serve) to depend on no one, but healing comes in the moments of belonging. Maybe today the idea of re-learning how to live in community, as a parent of trauma kids or even dealing with your own trauma, sounds exhausting.

The truth that I hope you hear is that things will not get better, healing will not happen, we cannot teach our kids how to be fully loved and belong without living the example. It doesn’t have to be a big community. The community isn’t going to be perfect at loving you and your family all the time. The community you choose is the one that you will keep showing up to, the one that you can be fully you at. If you haven’t found that, start online. You are too important to not live in community. Your trauma children need an example of showing up with store bought cookies and greasy pants. A full life comes in loving others, being loved and belonging. Start today by showing up, go back to the friends you left and start again. Start here by believing you are not alone and others are ready to walk with you on this journey.

Jessie Howell