values – Page 2

comfortzone, coronavirus, counseling, emotion regulation, goals, grief, isolation, motherhood, parenting, relationships, social distancing, therapy, trauma, values

Hitting Reset

Posted on April 20, 2020April 20, 2020 by themommytherapist

None are excused from the challenges of this season. The wealthy, the healthy, the married, the single, the successful, and the impoverished are collectively walking through one of, if not the most challenging time in a generation. Increased weight lays on the shoulders of those in leadership positions as they seek to determine the best course for those in their sphere. For those special people that call themselves educators; grief, uncertainty, and adaptability demand their attention. For those medical personnel that are the very ones that fight this pandemic daily; anxiety, exhaustion, and caregiver burnout run thick in their presence. For the parents that can’t find a moment to themselves and are struggling to meet the umpteen needs that arise within an hour, the mundane, insecurity, and human weakness call for one to expend every last drop of energy and patience. For the single person at home, face-to-face human connection has ceased altogether. Though in many different forms, this pandemic has brought a halt to our preferences and routines that once helped us lead the life we desired and valued.

Just four and a half months ago we walked into 2020, pondering, discussing, and naming what he hoped or expected the year would have in store for us. Some of us chose a specific word, goals, and desires for how we hoped this year would look different. We identified some ways we wanted to take initiative in our lives and shape our lives to align with our values, priorities, and desires.

The current pandemic infuses our homes with tension and our hearts with grief. But for those willing to see, this time brings with it the gift of perspective. It is a magnifying glass for our lives, so to speak, to help us better appraise what is most dear to us, what is most challenging to us, and what is creeping in unwarranted and stealing precious moments from us. Insight that we did not have just a few months ago has been given. Complacency and busyness no longer plague our society and hinder our growth. Our busyness has ceased, our culture has shifted, and we have this small moment in time to evaluate our values and priorities and implement some necessary changes to lead the intentional, value-driven life we desire to lead. In assessing our different areas of development (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and relational), what are the areas that need evaluation with your newly gifted magnifying glass?

Have you found yourself in a cycle of over-eating, emotion-eating, slothfulness, or maybe just a few too many alcoholic beverages? Do you have a sense that your emotional health and strategies for coping could improve? Have you put off spiritual disciplines or seeking Christ altogether because of a past hurt or because it’s just not convenient? Have you had a hard time taking control of your spending, Starbucks attendance, or seeking therapy in retail? Have you noticed that your relationships are rocky, your friendships are surface-level, or your parenting could use some attention?

Yeah? Me too. Never has your social calendar been so free that you can focus more on your exercise routine. Never has your insight been so clear on what flusters you the most. Rarely is it so apparent that the world offers little and Christ is the only hope. There are few opportunities to curb your shopping and eating out habits. And there is no better time to commit to authenticity, break through the painful patterns, and create beautiful community.

This season brings, along with it’s pain and grief, an opportunity to hit the reset button. It won’t be easy to align your days to how you imagined and desired them to be long ago when you chose the path that you are currently on. Mamas, in the midst of the trials, grief, and fear, I challenge you to use this opportunity to improve in the areas you long to be stronger.

Walking the path and pressing “reset” with you,

Tiffany Raley, M.A.

coparenting, home, motherhood, parenting, Relatinships, Uncategorized, values

Five Things I Learned from My Parents

Posted on February 24, 2020March 31, 2020 by themommytherapist

Children learn more from watching than hearing. Let’s face it, you remember more about childhood from the lens of what you observed and experienced than what was told to you. As we finish our relationship series, I wanted to reflect on the relationship you have with your partner and how it reflects to you children. All children absorb beliefs through witnessing the relationship between their caregivers, especially if it is seen daily through a domestic situation.

Growing up, I was fortunate enough to have parents that were not only together, but also very much in love. They still are and much of ingrained relational expectations are a result of all I experienced. Here are five things I learned about relationships though observing my parents.

VALUING TIME IS IMPORTANT

Date nights when you have small children is not always feasible due to time or finances. Some of my favorite memories surround getting to move the “small TV” to the back bedrooms, eat pizza and spend time with my siblings. In my mind, that was a treat and it is only now that I recognize its significance. I knew that it was so my parents could have date night, but I can now reflect on the intentionality of their decision.

As a parent I see that set expectation and understand how hard it must have been to follow through. It takes planning and dedication to making spouse time a priority when life with kids is exhausting. They would eat dinner and talk. In some ways, there was a security in knowing they spent time together. That they liked to spend time together.

ENCOURAGE YOUR SPOUSE

I do not ever remember hearing something negative said about my parents by one another. They did not bad mouth each other and did not tolerate anyone speaking ill of the other. Even when they did not agree, only body language would be the indicator and the occasional frustrated tone.

The biggest point of this experience was knowing they cared about one another and respected one another. They would praise each other to us kids and could be heard recognizing something positive the other one did. They were a team and it was obvious.

BE INTERESTED IN THEIR LIFE

Dinner time was spent together and my parents talked to each other as well as to the kids. It did not revolve around only kid conversation. They discussed their days. Many of the acronyms used due to my dad’s engineering job went over my head and probably my Mother’s. However, she would be attentive and ask questions. Genuinely interested in his day.

In the same way, my dad would ask about her day. All of my growing up years, my mother stayed home with four kids. It can be easy to overlook a stay at home mother’s day. However, he was interested in what she did, what she was learning in bible study, her thoughts on many things. He showed that he valued who she was and cared about her life.

RESOLVE YOUR ARGUMENTS

My parents seldom fought in front of us. We knew they fought, as stated before, due to observed coolness, but the “knock down, drag outs” were usually reserved for after bedtime (I think). However, their resolutions were obvious. We heard the apologies and saw the embraces.

This showed me that adults address their disagreements and repair a relationship disrupted by a disagreement. There was never any discomfort from hours of tension or days of frigidity between them. It was apparent that they worked hard to end fights swiftly and calmly, in a method that would strengthen their relationship.

THE RELATIONSHIP COMES FIRST

My parents made it clear that they loved their kids, but their relationship was the priority. It was evident in aligning with one another when we tried to manipulate as children do. They were always on the same page. They even made a point to always sit next to one another, no matter where we went. This was true at dinner, a movie, etc. We knew that they valued one another above anyone else.

The reality of their relationship was a stable force in my childhood. How they treated one another was important in ways I may not realize. As a kid, the world is big and unpredictable. However, due to how my parents handled their marriage, home was a safe place. How they treated one another influenced not only my growing up years, but also how I know to treat my partner. This ripple effect will hopefully shape my children, in the same way I have been molded.

Learning by observing,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

comfortzone, coparenting, home, motherhood, parenting, Relatinships, Uncategorized, values

What’s Love Got to Do With it?

Posted on February 10, 2020March 22, 2020 by themommytherapist

As we approach Valentine’s Day, we are constantly inundated with everything “love” related. This world is so crazy you can get the one you love’s face on anything from socks to cakes. Why someone wants to eat their face off of food is beyond me. However, the main idea is that February 14th is a day that has become dedicated to love.

It is usually centered around romanic love, but growing up my Mom made this day about any type of love. We would enter the kitchen and our places on the table would be decorated with Valentine’s gifts. When I was without a significant other in college, my Mom still supplied me with something on that day. It made it more a reminder to appreciate those you love, than “single awareness day”.

As you consider this upcoming “holiday” recognize ways you can make it a treasured memory for more than just your spouse or current partner. Here are a few options along the lines of the “Five Love Languages” referenced in my post Your Child’s Safe Place.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

“I am so proud of you.” Those words can be a giant motivator for anyone. Especially if they are followed with reasons. It can be helpful and healing to tell someone you love, how they are killing it at work, school, life, parenting, etc. Write them a note, leave them a voicemail, or buy them a card. This can be for a specific child or a close friend. Something that marks this day that gives a pass for the mushy and cheesy.

Some people hear words and it fills up their love tank in a way that nothing else can for them. It can seem too “easy” or “empty” for those that are not impacted by words. However, for a person that is constantly being complimentary to you or encouraging you, reciprocating that affection can mean so much.

ACTS OF SERVICE

My dad likes to complain about this type being “a husband’s worst nightmare” as it is my mother’s love language. This is a typer that can have someone labeled as “high maintenance.” In actuality, it needs no more or less intentionality than the others.

This can involve making your child’s favorite breakfast to start the day or grabbing your co-worker their coffee order without them asking. A way to know that this is their way to receive love can be if they do things for you without being asked, things that make your life easier. This does require observing and understanding the small actions you can take to show your appreciation.

RECEIVING GIFTS

Our society has made this sharing of love more common. When it is someone’s birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. it is expected that you give them a gift. Some people are grateful for the present, but it does not mean as much as another way of communicating love. However, for others, this matters.

When the gift is thoughtful and shows that time was spent on its choice, it can speak loudly of love. This person may often bring you something because it made them “think of you” or they knew you were looking for it.

QUALITY TIME

This type of love language can be the easiest and most difficult at the same time. In the age of constant phone obsession, putting it down to focus on another person might be more challenging than we care to admit. However, when we give someone our undivided attention or give an activity with that person complete focus, it shows love.

Often, these people may comment on phone usage passive aggressively or are often seeking something to do together. Working on a project, even watching a movie with no distractions can help them know that matter to you. Our children are sometimes the most demanding of quality time. It can be frustrating to stop washing dishes, eating lunch in silence or reading a book to play with a doll for the millionth time. However, it is communicating that they are worth your attention.

PHYSICAL TOUCH

Caring for someone with a hug or a reassuring hand squeeze may be second nature. In some cultures physical affection is common. However, it can be uncomfortable in some situations. Making the choice to give some type of compassionate touch may communicate more than all the other ways of showing love to some individuals.

Depending on your upbringing, holding your children or giving them a squeeze goodbye may be different. However, the kids that put their arm around you or look for the hug hello, may benefit from more contact. Friends may even need more of a shoulder for comfort than an affectionate word.

We all receive love in various ways. No method is better than others and we often have more than one way that speaks to our hearts. Observe those in your life and attempt to communicate love to them in the manner they “hear” it best. Use this over-commercialized “holiday” to remind loved ones that they matter to you- using their own language.

Loving,

Allyson

These five types are identified and discovered by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can find more information on this website: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

counseling, motherhood, parenting, Relatinships, Uncategorized, values

Recipe for Relationships

Posted on February 3, 2020February 24, 2020 by themommytherapist

It’s February, the month that typically causes us to reflect on relationships, namely romantic relationships due to Valentine’s Day. This holiday provides an array of feelings for many of us, so we have decided to focus on relationships this month. The aim of this post is to give a few tips for meaningful romantic and unromantic relationships

Trust and respect were two topics highlighted in our co-parenting series. In order for co-parenting to work, both parties must trust and respect one another. This is true in any relationship, we want to trust our partner and their decisions and provide respect just like we want trust and respect in return.

With friendships and family relationships it’s difficult to have a healthy relationship if trust and respect are not reciprocal. When either of these is lacking we see undermining, questioning intentions, and putting others down publicly or privately. Of course there will be people in our lives we do not exactly trust or respect. For the people in our inner circle though, trust and respect are crucial. Examine your marriage, your closest friendships, and the family members you consider “your people,” how are you doing trusting and respecting them?

Trust and respect lead into expecting the best about the other person’s motives. When a friend does not return a phone call, we can expect that maybe they have a lot going on rather than assuming they are avoiding the call. When a spouse drops the ball on something at home, remembering what a tough week they have had at work helps assume the best. Assuming the worst leads us to believe negative things about others and ourselves.

So why outline the concepts of trust, respect, and expecting the best in a parenting blog? The reason is because we want to model healthy relationships to our children. We do not want them to witness interpersonal conflict of ours as their norm or friendships filled with gossip and drama. Demonstrating trust, respect, and expecting the best sets the stage for healthy relationships for them as well.

Finally, if we are looking at this through a Christian lens, there is a key verse to remember. Ephesians 4:32 states, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.” Think about how you can transform your relationships and transform your attitude if you apply this verse to your relationships.

Kindly,

Andrea

body image, counseling, goals, motherhood, parenting, values

Letting Go

Posted on January 27, 2020January 26, 2020 by themommytherapist

There’s no question that goals can be incredibly useful tools in life. They help us turn our dreams into reality and they help us stay focused on growth. They help us to live out our passions and to create change in our lives.

But what do we do when we need to give up on a goal? When a goal isn’t helpful any longer?

I don’t know about you, but I see a lot of narratives in media, in advertising, on social media, etc. that encourage us to run hard after our goals. No. Matter. What. Oftentimes, these narratives are meant to be encouraging and showcase a celebration of hard-won discipline. A common one that I see often on my feed is the “I didn’t want to wake up this morning, but I have goals and I’m not a quitter, so I woke up and worked out!” I love celebrating those victories with my friends and family, but these narrative also seem to imply that giving up is never an option.

It’s true that the goals that you work the hardest towards are often the ones that feel the best to achieve. It’s also true that many of us fight against the temptations of laziness and apathy, so the constant barrage of encouragement and “you go girl”s that you can find online can be genuinely encouraging in our efforts to achieve our goals. But we also need to see and learn what it looks like to gracefully release ourselves from the pursuit of a goal. We need narratives of what it can look like to give up in a good way.

While we can all do many of the things we set our minds on and work hard towards, there are some times when we shouldn’t keep pushing towards our goals. There are a lot fewer examples of people celebrating quitting their pursuit of a goal, but it doesn’t mean that it is any less of a valid choice.

If you are struggling to reach or even to pursue a goal, then it may be a sign that it’s time for you to give up on a goal. Here are just a few reasons why it can be okay to give up:

It’s Not Healthy for You

Oftentimes the goals that we set for ourselves lead us down paths that we have never walked before, which means that pursuing our goals looks a lot like walking into the unknown. It is really hard to completely predict how we will respond to the new spaces we create in our lives. This means that we might not like what we find on our pursuit of a goal.

You might be pursuing a goal of healthier eating, but find that counting calories has worsened your relationship with food to the point that you are beginning to develop disordered eating.

You may have a goal to get a promotion at work but find that time and effort required to achieve that goal would mean that you would have to sacrifice the time you spend with family or friends or doing something else that you value more.

Or maybe you are crushing your goals, but you are exhausted and run down, or maybe you are starting to struggle with your pride as a result.

It doesn’t matter if the hurt you cause by the pursuit of your goal is physical, spiritual, mental, relational, or social; if it’s not healthy for you right now, it’s okay to stop.

It’s Not Healthy for Someone Else

We normally think of our goals as individual, solitary pursuits, but our actions always have an impact on the people and the world around us. If your pursuit of your goal damages your relationship with other people in your life, then you may want to consider giving up on your goal, or at least pursuing it in a different manner.

About a year ago I set a fitness goal that required me to go running several days a week. I would try to take my kids with me in a jogging stroller and then I would get grumpy when they spent the entire run throwing things out of the stroller or crying. Or both. They woke up so early that I couldn’t get my runs in before they woke up, but when I took them with me, we would all return home in a sour mood. I had also failed at that point to master the art of showering with a 2-year-old and 1-year-old, so then I also either felt stinky all day or had to take the risk of being in a different room than two grumpy, destructive toddlers.

It was a good fitness goal. It felt good to move my body that way. It felt good to feel myself get stronger. But it felt terrible to see how it was affecting my relationship with my kids. At some point, it started to feel like my goal was more important than the way I was treating my children. As soon as I gave myself permission to modify my goals and started working out in different ways, my interactions with my children changed dramatically and their behavior improved. It was clear that my goal of running, while good for me, was not the best thing for my children.

Your Dreams Have Changed

Sometimes our dreams change. Life is constantly happening all around us and things are always changing. Our goals are allowed to change too. You aren’t letting yourself or anyone else down if you release a dream that isn’t pointing you in the direction you want to go any longer. You are always allowed to change, so don’t let a goal from a different season in your life be the thing that holds you back.

You are NOT a failure if you have to put a goal on the shelf for a while or even trash it completely. You are more than the sum of your achievements and your value does not change whether or not you finished what you started.

Work hard towards the change and growth that you are able to, and do your best to have compassion towards yourself when you have to give up.

You can always start a new goal and chase a new dream tomorrow.

Growing and dreaming with you,

Selena

counseling, goals, motherhood, parenting, values

Value-Driven Goals

Posted on January 20, 2020January 18, 2020 by themommytherapist

When I (Selena) went to work as a camp counselor after my freshman year of college at an outdoor adventure camp, we were expected to lead our campers through various activities, including rock climbing, rappelling, zip-lining, and mountain biking.

Spoiler alert: I had never done any of those things before.

Within the first 24 hours I was on-site at the camp, one of the directors took us to a steep hill made of dirt and loose rock and proudly announced that this was our mountain scooter course. For reference, this is a mountain scooter:

Think BMX bike, but in scooter form.

Before this summer, I had not ridden anything with two wheels since I was at least 12 and definitely never on anything besides pavement. So after I watched a few people ride down before me with seeming ease and thrill, I volunteered to go next before I let the peer pressure I was feeling psych me out. I remember thinking something along the lines of, “If I’m confident, how bad can this be?”

Turns out, it could be pretty bad. Twenty minutes later I was standing in a shower while my female director and camp nurse were cleaning rocks out of the giant swath of road rash on my legs and rump. Later that day when I went to meet some counselors from another part of camp for the first time, I was so bandaged that one guy shouted out at me, “Whoa! Did you get shot?!” We were not a “camp name” or “nickname” kind of camp, but I quickly became known as “Boo,” short for ‘boo-boos’ to my co-workers.

About a week later in our training we were all gathered to practice riding the mountain bike trail we were expected to take our campers on. I was terrified. I couldn’t even coast down a hill on a scooter, so how in the world was I going to be able to make it through this trail? It was through dense, wooded, and rocky terrain and I was certain that I would never be able to avoid wrecking and seriously getting hurt.

I was already scoping out the rocks and trees and ditches that I wanted to avoid when the experienced mountain biker who was leading our training told us something along these lines:

“Make sure to look where you are going. If you look at a rock, you are going to hit that rock. If you pay too much attention to the tree you are trying to avoid, you will run right into it. Your bike will go wherever you are looking, so focus on where you want the bike to go, not on where you don’t want it to go.”

And you know what? She was right. Whenever I pedaled confidently and set my focus on the path I wanted to take, I made it through alright.

As we continue to write about goals this month, I want you take some time and think about your goals, your word for the year, your intention, or whatever thing you are pursuing in this season.

Got it?

Now ask yourself why you are heading in that direction. Sit with that question. Because chances are that your core motivation for that goal is either to cultivate a value in your life, or to avoid becoming something/someone you are afraid of becoming.

On the surface, that distinction may not sound like much, but I would argue that it makes all of the difference. It means the difference between staring at the rocks and trees you are trying to avoid and actually focusing on the trail you want to give meaning to your life. Whenever our motivations for something are based around a fear (fear of ‘letting yourself go,’ fear of falling behind, fear of becoming like someone you know, etc), then our attention is more focused on what we do not want to be than on who we want to become. It’s really hard to find a target when you don’t know where it is, just some of the places where it is not. Whenever you are running towards something just because you are running away from something else, you are more likely to get discouraged and even take a meandering course. It would be exhausting to go on a bike ride where your only goal was to not hit trees. It might be engaging for a while, but eventually you would just be riding around aimlessly and without a sense of purpose. It’s hard to stay motivated whenever you aren’t driven by purpose.

As the beginning of the year begins to melt into the rest of the year, I want to invite you to reexamine your goals and your values. Do your goals match the things that you say you value in your life? Are you heading in a direction with purpose, or are you only focused on the things you want to avoid? If you get stuck, make a list of your top 3 values and think of both big and little ways that you can shape your life to better reflect that value.

My husband loves mountain biking and he will say that it’s 10 times easier to successfully ride a trail whenever you fully commit to what you are doing rather than being held back by fear or uncertainty. Value-driven goals allow you move forward with purpose and with clarity, while the ones created out of fear will always wear us down. Find a trail that takes you closer to fully living out your values and ride it hard; you’ll end up in the direction you end up looking towards.

Staying focused together,

Selena

boundaries, counseling, emotion regulation, home, motherhood, parenting, trauma, Uncategorized, values

Boundaries Have No Age Requirement

Posted on December 16, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

Our children deserve to have a voice in some boundaries. This does not include no vegetables or whether they are able to handle many hours of screen time. However, they are individuals with thoughts and feelings. It is important to consider the boundaries they need to establish for themselves. Here are a few.

WHO THEY TOUCH AND HOW THEY TOUCH

It can be complicated to allow children power over these boundaries, especially in the south. Everyone hugs and the older generation expects kisses. To allow a child to forgo this tradition may cause some raised eyebrows. It can be seen as rude or impolite to refuse to give their Great Aunt, that they have met once, a long hug. Consider our expectations of our children. We expect them to have control over their fidgeting, rolling of the eyes and tone of their voice, but often do not allow them to have control over situations their bodies are placed in.

This does not need to be a prolonged conversation or one that leaves them vulnerable to criticism. As their parents, we can set the expectation that they will have a say. Our family gives the suggestion of a “hug or a high-five” with every person in our children’s lives. Therefore, they know they have a choice and are able to respond to our instructions to give one or the other. The other person hears our promoting and knows we do not insist our children give hugs, no matter the relation.

HOW LONG THEY ENGAGE IN AN ACTIVITY

Our children tell us more with their behavior, than with their mouths. No matter the age, we can tell when they are reaching their “meltdown danger zone”. The words get whinier and the legs are more susceptible to collapsing out from under them in dramatic retaliation. These signs tell us our children are done. Without words, they are asking to be given less stimulating time to collect themselves.

They let us know when it is time to leave the playdate, time to go home from the party, time to exit Chick-fil-a in a football hold flight to the car. It can be inconvenient at times, but parenting is about sacrifice. Their little brains and bodies can stay engaged or active only so long until they need a break or change of scenery.

HOW THEY FEEL

It can be very tempting to try and control the emotions expressed by our children. We do not think it is valid to be angry that we would not allow them to lay on the floor next to the toilet. We do not think it is valid that they are devastated that we will not allow them to eat the dog’s food. We may not think is is valid that our teen thinks their life is ending because they cannot see their boyfriend/ girlfriend for one day. Children do not always make sense. Teens do not always make sense.

But feelings are never wrong. Let me restate that: feelings are never wrong. They can be expressed in disobedient, disrespectful or harmful ways. However, they are not wrong. They may have an intensity that we do not believe matches the situation, but they are not wrong. People are allowed to feel how they feel and have someone see, hear and acknowledge their feelings. When we do this, we are teaching them that they have value and they are allowed to feel, how they feel.

Boundaries are tricky. When we allow people to adhere to their own boundaries, we reinforce our belief in their validity as individuals. Kids do not always want what is best for themselves or know what some boundaries need to be, that is where parenting comes in. Our children know themselves and have their own experiences. The parents responsibility is to teach them how to mature into healthy, engaged members of society. This requires us to treat them as such in an age appropriate manner. Children are allowed to have boundaries. It is important that adults listen to children and respect their boundaries.

Learning together,

Allyson

boundaries, coparenting, counseling, home, motherhood, parenting, values

Building Boundaries

Posted on November 18, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” can often mean nervousness, irritability and sadness. The holidays often illuminate the dysfunction in relationships that exists throughout the year, but can be easily ignored. It can be difficult to navigate this season with any sort of intentionality or serenity when family of all sorts begin to descend upon the calm you have built around yourself. Here are a few ways you can create boundaries that are healthy and helpful.

UTILIZE AN OBJECTIVE SOUNDING BOARD

We often color our memories with rationalized rose colored glasses. We can excuse our behavior or another person’s behavior when we remember only in our own minds. Therefore, having an outsider help us evaluate our desires and expectations can be helpful. For example, if our holidays are often stressful and we cannot identify the source, whether another’s behavior or our own unrealistic expectations, someone listening to our struggles can be what makes a difference. This can be a professional, or a friend. It is important that this friend be someone that is honest always and will not avoid difficult conversations. This can allow us to have realistic, healthy boundaries.

HAVE A CONVERSATION BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS

It can be tempting to avoid setting boundaries until another “incident” that reinforces the need for boundaries, occurs. However, those times are emotion-fueled and can result in more hurtful conversation. Sitting down with that person or people face to face, when possible, is the best option. It is uncomfortable, but has the best chance of success.

Sometimes people are unaware that a boundary has been cross and cannot read your mind. In those cases, it is more of a relief to have the desire exposed rather than seething in silence. In the instances that the other person does not understand the expectation, it can be a moment to express yourself calmly and be understood. The most difficult conversation is with someone that will be offended by the discussion. However, due to your intentional broaching of the subject, they have to hear what you say rather than respond in defensiveness and blame how you approached the subject. They are able to make the choice whether to honor your boundaries and have a pleasant time, or violate them and experience the consequences you have decided will be your response.

STATE THE EXPECTATION IN POSITIVE LANGUAGE

It is best to share the desired behavior rather than state what you would like them to “not do”. For example, “we need you to follow the physical desires of our children by offering a hug or high five.” This is different than insisting that the family member will “not hug my child”. By phrasing your desire positively it is an easier, less blaming way to present the boundary.

RECORD/ REMEMBER SPECIFIC INCIDENTS

This is not to rattle off how awful someone has been, or “throw it in their face”. However, when stating a boundary that you feel is important, the person hearing the boundary may react with indignation and insist they would never cross that boundary. For example, if using cursing language is something you are not comfortable with around your children and a family member has a history of that behavior, remembering and providing an example when it occurred could be helpful.

HOLD TO YOUR BOUNDARIES

It can be tempting to give allowances when an incident occurs. It can be difficult to “make a scene” or “rock the boat”. However, you created the boundary for a reason. Allowing it to be violated without a comment, redirection or consequence may cause your directives to carry less weight.

Another reason to hold onto your boundaries, is how it may effect you. You did not decide to go against someone’s stated expectations. Yet, if you do not speak it effects your emotions and time with others during the holiday festivities. Passive aggressiveness, hurt and stewing resentment become your companions rather than joy at the spirit of the season.

Setting boundaries can be an anxiety producing task. However, it protects you, your family and your sanity around the holiday season. You have the power to create an atmosphere of safety and be an advocate for those closest to you.

Constructing alongside,

Allyson

boundaries, coparenting, counseling, home, motherhood, parenting, values

Protecting Yourself Instead of Pleasing Everyone Else

Posted on November 11, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

Growing up, I loved the holiday season! The breaks from school, family traditions, fun, gratitude, togetherness, magical feelings, and the reason for Christmas are a few. When I go to my parents’ home on Christmas as an adult, it feels like I’m stepping into a Southern Living magazine. They really know how to do Christmas, and I treasure this. As a parent of two young children, alarm bells go off in my brain when I think of planning all of the details of the holiday season.

I go to the panic zone that was introduced in last week’s blog. One alarm sets off another and another and goes something like this. How am I going to get everything done? What traditions should we start or continue? How many side dishes do I have to make? How many people do I need to buy for? What house(s) are we going to when? How in the heck is my house going to look like a magazine with two young kids? Last year my husband told me not to even talk about the holidays when I brought it up in October. Balancing the holidays between families was something we learned to dread because we put too much pressure on ourselves.

I promise this is not a Debbie Downer post! I am learning to get out of the panic zone and into the learning zone with the holidays. We have had to setup some appropriate boundaries when planning the holiday season including letting perfection go and doing the best we can. We brainstorm. We make decisions that work best for our family. We communicate with our extended families, both sides living in the same town as us. We do the best we can.

I often find that there is pressure to please both sides of family with the holiday season so no one feels left out. Seeing family is important. Considering others and their feelings is the right thing to do, but being governed by pleasing others sets us up for resentment and burnout. In contrast, maybe some of us avoid one side of the family and have such intense boundaries setup that we miss out on spending time with them.

We have learned that we cannot do two houses in one day for Thanksgiving and Christmas, or we turn into crazy people. We started switching years for Thanksgiving and doing two different Christmas celebrations. We plan fun, meaningful holiday events during the season for our family of four but do not focus on keeping up with what everyone else is doing. When my children look back on their childhood holidays, I want them to have wonderful memories like I do. I do not want them to remember stressed out parents who were rushing them around.

As we are planning for the holidays, let’s do what is best for our immediate family still while considering (but not aiming to please) others. When others’ expectations are not met because of decisions we make that is okay. Best case scenario, they can give us grace. Not good scenario, they can make a scene. It’s okay. As you may be disappointed by the choices some of your extended family members make during the holiday season, remember grace upon grace, and sometimes people have boundaries for reasons that are not known to us.

Learning and thankful,

Andrea

coparenting, counseling, motherhood, parenting, values

It Takes a Village

Posted on October 28, 2019October 29, 2019 by themommytherapist

Many of us are on our parenting journey with the assistance of others in addition to our partner. “It takes a village” resonates with those of us who have extended family, dear friends, or nannies/sitters who help care for our kids. This can be a wonderful asset! There is nothing like people who surrounding our kids with love and support. A network of support can help fuel connection and build resilient children.

This extra support can sometimes be a challenge when it comes to determining appropriate roles and boundaries with others helping care for our kids. Sometimes buttons get pushed or frustrations arise. We know it is important for healthy family members to be in children’s lives but may not like that it takes multiple days to get kids back into sync after spending time with grandparents. Friends may parent differently than we do. Sitters may allow more screen time than is preferred by the parent.

If you have people helping care for your kids, it’s reasonable to expect that they will do things differently than you. Grandparents play a huge role nowadays in helping with children. Carpool lines and waiting rooms are filled with grandparents transporting grandkids to school, appointments, practices, and events. In order to live with the “it takes a village” mindset successfully, two principles are needed: trust and respect.

TRUST

Do I trust this person with my child? Am I completely comfortable with them taking care of my children? Do they have my child’s best interest in mind? If we don’t fully trust someone with the care of our children it is going to be difficult to leave them with that person or believe the best. When we do trust the person and know they have our children’s best in mind, we can have peace of mind as we are tending to our own responsibilities.

RESPECT

Does the person keeping my child respect my wishes? Do they listen to my family’s values? Do I respect their autonomy when with my child? It is a rocky road when others do not respect the parents’ wishes (within reason). When we respect the person helping with our children and they respect us, we are setup for a successful relationship. I would encourage you to reflect on the amount of respect you are giving and receiving when it comes to childcare to determine what is right for your family.

Finally, communicate. Communication can provide clarity and resolve a host of potential issues. When we have trust, respect, and communication with those who help care for our children, everyone benefits, most importantly, the kids!

Thankful,

Andrea