Uncategorized – Page 4

comfortzone, coparenting, home, motherhood, parenting, Relatinships, Uncategorized, values

What’s Love Got to Do With it?

Posted on February 10, 2020March 22, 2020 by themommytherapist

As we approach Valentine’s Day, we are constantly inundated with everything “love” related. This world is so crazy you can get the one you love’s face on anything from socks to cakes. Why someone wants to eat their face off of food is beyond me. However, the main idea is that February 14th is a day that has become dedicated to love.

It is usually centered around romanic love, but growing up my Mom made this day about any type of love. We would enter the kitchen and our places on the table would be decorated with Valentine’s gifts. When I was without a significant other in college, my Mom still supplied me with something on that day. It made it more a reminder to appreciate those you love, than “single awareness day”.

As you consider this upcoming “holiday” recognize ways you can make it a treasured memory for more than just your spouse or current partner. Here are a few options along the lines of the “Five Love Languages” referenced in my post Your Child’s Safe Place.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

“I am so proud of you.” Those words can be a giant motivator for anyone. Especially if they are followed with reasons. It can be helpful and healing to tell someone you love, how they are killing it at work, school, life, parenting, etc. Write them a note, leave them a voicemail, or buy them a card. This can be for a specific child or a close friend. Something that marks this day that gives a pass for the mushy and cheesy.

Some people hear words and it fills up their love tank in a way that nothing else can for them. It can seem too “easy” or “empty” for those that are not impacted by words. However, for a person that is constantly being complimentary to you or encouraging you, reciprocating that affection can mean so much.

ACTS OF SERVICE

My dad likes to complain about this type being “a husband’s worst nightmare” as it is my mother’s love language. This is a typer that can have someone labeled as “high maintenance.” In actuality, it needs no more or less intentionality than the others.

This can involve making your child’s favorite breakfast to start the day or grabbing your co-worker their coffee order without them asking. A way to know that this is their way to receive love can be if they do things for you without being asked, things that make your life easier. This does require observing and understanding the small actions you can take to show your appreciation.

RECEIVING GIFTS

Our society has made this sharing of love more common. When it is someone’s birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. it is expected that you give them a gift. Some people are grateful for the present, but it does not mean as much as another way of communicating love. However, for others, this matters.

When the gift is thoughtful and shows that time was spent on its choice, it can speak loudly of love. This person may often bring you something because it made them “think of you” or they knew you were looking for it.

QUALITY TIME

This type of love language can be the easiest and most difficult at the same time. In the age of constant phone obsession, putting it down to focus on another person might be more challenging than we care to admit. However, when we give someone our undivided attention or give an activity with that person complete focus, it shows love.

Often, these people may comment on phone usage passive aggressively or are often seeking something to do together. Working on a project, even watching a movie with no distractions can help them know that matter to you. Our children are sometimes the most demanding of quality time. It can be frustrating to stop washing dishes, eating lunch in silence or reading a book to play with a doll for the millionth time. However, it is communicating that they are worth your attention.

PHYSICAL TOUCH

Caring for someone with a hug or a reassuring hand squeeze may be second nature. In some cultures physical affection is common. However, it can be uncomfortable in some situations. Making the choice to give some type of compassionate touch may communicate more than all the other ways of showing love to some individuals.

Depending on your upbringing, holding your children or giving them a squeeze goodbye may be different. However, the kids that put their arm around you or look for the hug hello, may benefit from more contact. Friends may even need more of a shoulder for comfort than an affectionate word.

We all receive love in various ways. No method is better than others and we often have more than one way that speaks to our hearts. Observe those in your life and attempt to communicate love to them in the manner they “hear” it best. Use this over-commercialized “holiday” to remind loved ones that they matter to you- using their own language.

Loving,

Allyson

These five types are identified and discovered by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can find more information on this website: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

counseling, motherhood, parenting, Relatinships, Uncategorized, values

Recipe for Relationships

Posted on February 3, 2020February 24, 2020 by themommytherapist

It’s February, the month that typically causes us to reflect on relationships, namely romantic relationships due to Valentine’s Day. This holiday provides an array of feelings for many of us, so we have decided to focus on relationships this month. The aim of this post is to give a few tips for meaningful romantic and unromantic relationships

Trust and respect were two topics highlighted in our co-parenting series. In order for co-parenting to work, both parties must trust and respect one another. This is true in any relationship, we want to trust our partner and their decisions and provide respect just like we want trust and respect in return.

With friendships and family relationships it’s difficult to have a healthy relationship if trust and respect are not reciprocal. When either of these is lacking we see undermining, questioning intentions, and putting others down publicly or privately. Of course there will be people in our lives we do not exactly trust or respect. For the people in our inner circle though, trust and respect are crucial. Examine your marriage, your closest friendships, and the family members you consider “your people,” how are you doing trusting and respecting them?

Trust and respect lead into expecting the best about the other person’s motives. When a friend does not return a phone call, we can expect that maybe they have a lot going on rather than assuming they are avoiding the call. When a spouse drops the ball on something at home, remembering what a tough week they have had at work helps assume the best. Assuming the worst leads us to believe negative things about others and ourselves.

So why outline the concepts of trust, respect, and expecting the best in a parenting blog? The reason is because we want to model healthy relationships to our children. We do not want them to witness interpersonal conflict of ours as their norm or friendships filled with gossip and drama. Demonstrating trust, respect, and expecting the best sets the stage for healthy relationships for them as well.

Finally, if we are looking at this through a Christian lens, there is a key verse to remember. Ephesians 4:32 states, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.” Think about how you can transform your relationships and transform your attitude if you apply this verse to your relationships.

Kindly,

Andrea

counseling, goals, home, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

Creating Kid-sized Goals

Posted on January 13, 2020January 18, 2020 by themommytherapist

As we begin the new year and evaluate the goals we have for ourselves, often we have goals for our families as well. This could be an expectation that this year your partner will put their dirty clothes INSIDE the laundry basket going forward or that your kids will learn what it means to land urine INSIDE the toilet for a change.

The problem with these hopes can be their dependence on others to change their own behavior. However, as a parent, we are able to target ways we want to influence our children during the upcoming year. Often, it can be daunting to decide what expecatations we can set for our children due to variety in development. Here are a few ideas to consider as well as ways to determine age appropriate, reasonable goals for our children.

START SMALL

It can be tempting to create a large, general target such as, “clean their room.” However, this can be too broad and the lack of meeting this expectation may create more frustration. A better choice may be one small step. Beginning for a three year old may be, “put their bowl/ plate in the sink after every meal.”

This is something the child can physically complete and the expectation can be easily repeated. Once something small is achieved and the child has proved proficient, it is ok to increase the responsibility.

BREAK DOWN GOALS

Not only do you need to start small, keep even bigger expectations in small increments. Rather than instruct them to “clean your room.” Allow them to do one thing at a time. This may be first putting their clothes in the laundry basket, once that is completed, put all their stuffed animals in their place, make their bed, etc. This way they do not get overwhelmed.

STATE EXPECTATIONS FREQUENTLY

Children forget. Heck, I forget to move my clothes from the washing machine to the dryer almost daily. Stating a goal for a child often, calmly and in a concise manner helps train their brain. You have heard the phrase, “repetition, repetition, repetition.” It is accurate. Our kids do not always avoid doing tasks we ask of them on purpose. Assuming the best, can help curb some frustration that comes from being ignored.

WORK ALONGSIDE

It is more encouraging to do chores or other tasks alongside others. When children see our behavior as a model for our expectations of their behavior, it can be more effective. This can begin as helping them complete their task initially, as they gain the confidence to do each goal. Eventually, it can end in merely working alongside in a task we have set for ourselves or similar to their endeavor.

For children being expected to have “reading time”, read your own book next to them. If it is cleaning their room, clean your own. If it is sitting calmly in time out, breath calming breaths alongside them. As the saying goes, positive behavior is “better caught then taught.”

Setting expectations and goals for children can be difficult. We know we need to teach them responsibility, for their maturity, but can be unsure where to start. It is ok to start small. Any step in giving them tasks to work or behavior to adhere to, is helpful for their development.

Remember that this is not easy. Teaching is a noble calling and parenting is as well. As we parent we teach our children how to tackle the expectations of others. We never do this perfectly, but have grace with yourselves and your kids as well.

Teaching alongside,

Allyson

Uncategorized

Hospitality as an Introvert

Posted on December 30, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

“And this is a quiche my mom used to make,” my dear friend walked me over to the end of an incredibly long table of enormous food quantities, revealing a perfectly round and perfectly baked quiche at the very end. “She taught me how a few years ago, and now I add a few more ingredients to it to make it perfect.” She winked.
I, a college sophomore, gave a nervous laugh. “I’m taking notes on hospitality from you!” was my quick response, though I had never ‘hosted’ anyone in my life, nor did I have any intention to do such a thing after seeing the spread at this party. Looking around, the thought of even inviting over half of the people sitting down for dinner at my friend’s house made me shudder. No, I was much more an introvert myself, and my own spiritual gifting lay somewhere in the camp of exhortation and administration (read: a “behind-the-scenes” sort of person).
So you can imagine my dismay as the charge of hospitality was preached from pulpit after pulpit in the years following. Some independent study of my own confirmed that, in fact, hospitality was a ‘mark of a true Christian’, most explicitly in Romans 12 but also Hebrews 13. Looking to the life of Jesus, we can see how much ministry happened over a dinner table, a rhythm so commonplace and important that it would be where Jesus elects to spend His last hours with his dearest friends at the Last Supper (and they suspect nothing).
But what about us introverts? Would be my resounding thought. My house is so small! I can’t cook! I don’t know anyone well enough to invite them into my home! How do you start meaningful conversation?
While some may be uniquely gifted in the area of hospitality, the truth is that we are all called to it. To take a definition from Rosaria Butterfield’s book The Gospel Comes with a House Key, hospitality is the practice of turning strangers into neighbors. The roots of the Greek word translated “hospitality” mean “love of stranger.” Note the varying potentials that these definitions imply. A lie to confront when it comes to hospitality is that it is a practice reserved for big personalities, wonderful cooks, and folks who are thoughtful with the details. Do not be intimidated by people like my dear friend with the amazing quiche: she has a gift for hospitality, yes, but people like her are not the ideal to be achieved.
Be wary of insecurity and comparison. Welcoming anyone into your life and your home involves the potential of scrutiny and discomfort. Rarely is hospitality, in any form, glamorous and idyllic.
And yet! How kind of the Lord to invite us into this kind of ministry. Consider how God Himself welcomes you with open arms. How lost so many of us would be without this kind of boots-on- the-ground, front lines type of interaction with believers. Rather than a standard set by extravagant table settings, let us work instead to plan hospitality as a rhythm.
When setting this rhythm, a defense against the traps of comparison and insecurity would be to set boundaries. It is critical for me, as someone who does not get my energy from being around people, to have limitations that allow me to continue hospitality as a regular practice and avoid burn out. Consider the following if you, too, struggle with straining yourself to the point of being unable and unwilling to show hospitality for extended periods of time:

1.) Clearly articulate your level and type of availability to others

2.) Invite others along into existing rhythms

3.) Give yourself permission to create your own style of hospitality

Ultimately, it is right to spend yourself for the sake of the gospel. However, good ministry often occurs over durations of time, and certainly depth is more often found here. It is good to have boundaries in place that allow for a commitment to the practice of hospitality as a rhythm of life. May God sustain us as we go

Madie Fox

boundaries, counseling, emotion regulation, home, motherhood, parenting, trauma, Uncategorized, values

Boundaries Have No Age Requirement

Posted on December 16, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

Our children deserve to have a voice in some boundaries. This does not include no vegetables or whether they are able to handle many hours of screen time. However, they are individuals with thoughts and feelings. It is important to consider the boundaries they need to establish for themselves. Here are a few.

WHO THEY TOUCH AND HOW THEY TOUCH

It can be complicated to allow children power over these boundaries, especially in the south. Everyone hugs and the older generation expects kisses. To allow a child to forgo this tradition may cause some raised eyebrows. It can be seen as rude or impolite to refuse to give their Great Aunt, that they have met once, a long hug. Consider our expectations of our children. We expect them to have control over their fidgeting, rolling of the eyes and tone of their voice, but often do not allow them to have control over situations their bodies are placed in.

This does not need to be a prolonged conversation or one that leaves them vulnerable to criticism. As their parents, we can set the expectation that they will have a say. Our family gives the suggestion of a “hug or a high-five” with every person in our children’s lives. Therefore, they know they have a choice and are able to respond to our instructions to give one or the other. The other person hears our promoting and knows we do not insist our children give hugs, no matter the relation.

HOW LONG THEY ENGAGE IN AN ACTIVITY

Our children tell us more with their behavior, than with their mouths. No matter the age, we can tell when they are reaching their “meltdown danger zone”. The words get whinier and the legs are more susceptible to collapsing out from under them in dramatic retaliation. These signs tell us our children are done. Without words, they are asking to be given less stimulating time to collect themselves.

They let us know when it is time to leave the playdate, time to go home from the party, time to exit Chick-fil-a in a football hold flight to the car. It can be inconvenient at times, but parenting is about sacrifice. Their little brains and bodies can stay engaged or active only so long until they need a break or change of scenery.

HOW THEY FEEL

It can be very tempting to try and control the emotions expressed by our children. We do not think it is valid to be angry that we would not allow them to lay on the floor next to the toilet. We do not think it is valid that they are devastated that we will not allow them to eat the dog’s food. We may not think is is valid that our teen thinks their life is ending because they cannot see their boyfriend/ girlfriend for one day. Children do not always make sense. Teens do not always make sense.

But feelings are never wrong. Let me restate that: feelings are never wrong. They can be expressed in disobedient, disrespectful or harmful ways. However, they are not wrong. They may have an intensity that we do not believe matches the situation, but they are not wrong. People are allowed to feel how they feel and have someone see, hear and acknowledge their feelings. When we do this, we are teaching them that they have value and they are allowed to feel, how they feel.

Boundaries are tricky. When we allow people to adhere to their own boundaries, we reinforce our belief in their validity as individuals. Kids do not always want what is best for themselves or know what some boundaries need to be, that is where parenting comes in. Our children know themselves and have their own experiences. The parents responsibility is to teach them how to mature into healthy, engaged members of society. This requires us to treat them as such in an age appropriate manner. Children are allowed to have boundaries. It is important that adults listen to children and respect their boundaries.

Learning together,

Allyson

Uncategorized

Navigating the Holidays

Posted on November 25, 2019January 17, 2020 by themommytherapist

Navigating holiday schedules seems to be a unique skill reserved for the strong. Where to go and who to spend time with. The tug of responsibilities and expectations. Somehow fulfilling obligations, but also holding our boundaries in a healthy stance.

Responsibility // something required to do
Obligation // a commitment
Expectation // belief that someone will or should do something
Boundary // a line that marks limits

It would be easiest to navigate life if we all had boundary lines that were visible to other people. No unrealistic expectations, just neon orange flagging staked out around our life to make things easily noticed. But that itself is an unrealistic thought, so we must learn how to communicate our boundaries.

Before we can communicate our boundaries to others, we must figure them out for ourselves and our family. Boundaries for holidays can include space for time, physical space, mental space, financially, and emotionally. So how do we create boundaries for all these categories in a practical manner?

Time // Don’t overschedule. Look at your calendar often. Plan activities out. Instead of attempting to keep up with all the activities we see through social media, figure out what your family prioritizes and stick to those.
Physical // How many people are currently sick around us? It’s important to listen to our bodies and to be wise as our families are out and about. It’s also important to rest. It’s ok to nap! It’s ok to take a break.
Mentally // The holiday hustle is exhausting. But more than just physically exhausting, it can be mentally exhausting. It’s important to know our limits and take the time to take care of ourselves.
Financially // Consumerism constantly preaches more and bigger. Without financial boundaries, we can quickly be overwhelmed and stressed. Setting realistic expectations and even a little budgeting are healthy ways to set boundaries.
Emotionally // The holidays are bound to hold disappointments. Empty chairs at the table, less cards received, or maybe not being able to be with the ones we love. These emotions need room to process. Setting some time to handle the emotions we experience give us the opportunity to process in the right time while experiencing other emotions in the moment. It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok the be joyous and we don’t have to feel guilty.

On a personal note, I know that this year will be a hard Christmas. We lost my grandmother this year and the holiday season includes her birthday and what would generally be a giant gathering of family. Generally, it would be my nature to shove my feelings down, not be a burden, and feel guilty for any sadness that arrives during the most wonderful time of the year. But that’s not healthy or fair to anyone. So, I’ll be honest with my feelings and my family while giving myself the freedom to miss her.

Boundaries aren’t meant to be of harm to the people outside of the boundaries. We shut our doors to protect the people inside. So setting boundaries for ourselves and our families should be looked at as protection. As mothers, it’s our job to set boundaries for our families. We know the limits of our children. Setting boundaries allows them to be in the best emotional, physical, and mental health and that is more important than keeping up with the unrealistic expectations this world throws our way.

Guest blog by: Lacey Rabalais

https://laceyrabalais.com/

coparenting, counseling, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized, values

Creating Something New

Posted on October 21, 2019October 29, 2019 by themommytherapist

I’m sure you’ve seen the meme circulating about how parents make different choices in the rearing of their children, but in the end everyone has hit their kid’s head on the car when putting them into their carseat. It is funny and sad because it is so true. There are so many decisions and perspectives yelling for our attention as parents. Some people are able to narrow their frame of reference to include the traditions and history modeled by their own families. However, when your experiences are those of pain and chaos, there is no where to turn when decisions are uncertain.

Dysfunction is everywhere. Often it invades our families and distresses our childhoods. When it comes to parenting, remembering the parenting we have received can be a laundry list of our parents’ mistakes. No parent is perfect, but when the main parenting style you claim is “the opposite of my parents”, there can be some difficulty. There is nothing wrong with your struggle. There is the chance to be better. To do better for the next generation.

Here are a few ideas to consider when you cannot lean on your parents’ examples:

CONSIDER YOUR COMMUNITY

There will always be people you see and admire. Especially those that engage with their children with seeming supernatural patience and wisdom. These people are flawed, but can also be a great resource of information. If you feel particularly brave, ask their stance on certain issues and learn their reasons. Seldom are parents stingy with their parenting opinions. Often we have to ask others to keep their thoughts to themselves. Being able to share passionate beliefs related to caring for our small ones, is something we all find important. If you are not feeling brave, observe. We can learn so much from watching those around us and gleaning their ideas from seeing their behavior. The goal of observing is not with the purpose of comparison. Let me type that again, not for the purpose of comparison. Remember that parenting is a journey. Look around for those navigating a little ahead or at a little smoother pace and utilize that resource.

CONSIDER HELPING PROFESSIONALS

Seeking professional help related to parenting is not a negative. There are parenting classes available through some community centers, hospitals and churches. Find somewhere that mirrors the principles you want to instill in your children and take advantage of those opportunities. However, trusting professionals could be a more personal choice than training. Sometimes wounds from parents run deep. Finding a way to mend and heal from those wounds will make you a better parent. The phrase, “hurt people, hurt people,” is true. A more specific truth: hurt parents can create hurting children. You must deal with your own pain and consequences from your parents’ choices so that you can prevent the same injuries. A healthy you, is a step toward healthy children.

CONSIDER YOUR CO-PARENT

Apart from outliers, you intentionally chose the person with which you have a child. There was something within them and the relationship that created a sense of trust. A belief that they were someone reliable and safe. Lean on that. Even if both of you have come from dysfunctional families, you are two brains committed to a healthy childhood for your children. Utilize that partnership and become a team of advocates for your family if they have proven to be consistently trustworthy. Explore the positives and negatives from your formative years, decide how to emulate the parenting style you value. Do research together and share the load. Allow them to be a sense of reality apart from your experiences.

CONSIDER YOUR INSTINCTS

The fact that you are unsure and insecure about your parenting choices due to negative decisions made by your parents, is a good sign. It shows the dedication you have to making sure your children have a different experience. Often, when looking at many of the ideas related to parenting, you know what is best for your child. This may not always be true and without question. However, there is something to be said for your understanding and knowledge of your child and your family. Have faith in yourself and your ability to parent due to your dedication to your kids. Self-awareness goes a long way in being a better parent. Explore the effects of your parents’ parenting on you as an individual and decide the choices you will avoid or boundaries you will set in your own family. This is one of greatest gifts you can give to yourself and the next generation.

A perspective that you may appreciate, or may not, is the aid that prayer can have in this setting of new patterns. My own mother parented out of a new desire and new plan in contrast to her upbringing. She always shares that the way she was able to do things differently was “through prayer and asking God to show me how to make it different”. She often quotes the scripture 2 Corinthians 12:10, “where I am weak, then I am strong” and James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God.” Look, He is doing a new thing!

You are doing great. Sometimes deciding to parent after a difficult childhood can be the bravest decision of them all. Your concerns are valid, but you are not your parents. You are creating something new and different. You get to decide the tempo and culture of your family. Make it count. Make it different. Make it yours.

Battling with you for the next generation,

Allyson

counseling, emotion regulation, home, isolation, parenting, trauma, Uncategorized

Don’t Let it Go

Posted on September 23, 2019September 26, 2019 by themommytherapist

Behavior is a greater indication of a child’s emotional state than the words that come out of their mouths. An almost knee-jerk reaction to “how was your day” is often “good”. Similar to our daily interactions with others of “how are you” and the anticipated response of “good.” As adults, we struggle to put the status of our heart into words, and kids have a more difficult time.

As most parents can attest, the movie Frozen has wormed its way into the singing mouths of our children. Watching the movie for the millionth time, it became clear how the two main characters react in opposite ways to their trauma. These two expressions of turmoil identify many warning signs that your child may be dealing with internal struggles.

As Selena wrote in “Trauma 101, “Warfare, tragic accidents, natural disasters, and other “big” events are often described as big “T” trauma. Little “t” trauma, such as grief, neglect, bullying, and many others are less often associated with the longer-term and severe side effects of trauma, but repeated exposure to little “t” trauma can be just as impactful as experiencing big “T” trauma.” Trauma can mean a variety of experiences. There is no need to catalogue all the possible “traumas” your child may be dealing with when these behaviors surface. However, it can allow you to have more intentional conversations with your child.

ANNA

Spoiler alert! Be aware that I am going to address a major plot twist in the movie! Hans is not a good guy. He addresses Anna’s behavior that is a primary indicator of trauma. Hans tells Anna that she was, “so desperate for love, you were willing to marry me, just like that!” Throughout the movie, Anna engages in attention seeking behaviors and is very easily drawn in by a stranger professing affection.

When children begin acting out in attention seeking manners, we often react negatively. Understandably, their attempts to manipulate our focus can be difficult to respond to in a positive manner. However, their behavior is asking for approval and affection. Trauma targets the core of a person. It converts feelings of confidence and contentment into anxiety and desperation.

This may look like constant attempts to show off in an area they feel confident or in extreme cases, trying to sabotage attention or affection given to someone else. It can be difficult to keep their behavior in perspective. It is not a control tactic as adults might seek to control. It is a means to receive affirmation and love.

ELSA

Irritation and isolation are often behaviors that drive us to anger. “Why won’t you talk to me?” or
“Why are you being so mean,” can be frequent internal dialogue responses to our children. It seems as though you are the punching bag for their daily explosions. However, this is a call for understanding. The way children treat their parents, can often be an indication of how they feel about themselves. When children struggle with self-hate, it translates to negative treatment of their parents.

Elsa responds to her fear by keeping away, and lashing out at, the one person that is seeking to care for her. In the same way our children react to our attempts to reach them. This does not mean we need to leave them on their own. It can be tempting to leave the slammed door shut or let time pass into morning without reengagement.

For more information visit this website: https://www.samhsa.gov/child-trauma/recognizing-and-treating-child-traumatic-stress

NOT LETTING IT GO

It is important to carefully address these behaviors. Something to consider is following the acronym ASK.

A- Acknowledge that something difficult occurred

S- Sympathize with their emotion and struggle

K- Know that you cannot and do not need to fix it

Utilizing statements rather than questions can be a way to bypass their reactive behavior. Statements can include, “I know you are struggling right now”, “I love you no matter what happened today”, or “I am on your side”. These can address the questions they are asking themselves without their need to verbalize the concerns.

Identifying the emotion for your child can be very healing and helpful. As adults we can struggle to articulate our emotions beyond angry, happy or sad. We have many more years and exposure to more vocabulary than our kids. This targets the cause of the behavior rather than the symptom. They will feel seen and heard. The core desire of any person.

You cannot “fix” a trauma. It is something that has left a scar. The scar will heal, preventative measures can be taken to defend against infection, but nothing will make it magically disappear. Walking with your child through the trauma will be the best way you can help. Keep in mind that some big “T” or even little “t” traumas may need professional help as prevention of infection. That is ok. It does not make you a “bad parent” it means you are doing what is necessary for the health of your child.

Thawing the ice together,

Allyson Pitre

Uncategorized

Is It Bedtime Yet?

Posted on June 24, 2019July 1, 2019 by themommytherapist

“The days are long and the years are short,” a friend recently reminded me regarding raising children. The days really are longer in the summertime. As June comes to a close, I hope you are enjoying summer, making the most of it with your kids and wishing the days would not end. I know, however, that some of you are wishing school was back in session, routines were normalized and that bedtime would come sooner rather than later. I recently recognized that I was in the latter of these two categories when the babysitter came over, and I felt overjoyed to get out by myself to go to the…dentist. Who wants to go to the dentist? This was a first for me!

If you find yourself looking at the clock and waiting for your kids to go down for the night or flying out the door when the babysitter comes, then it is time for a “rewind and redo” to make the most of this summer, the way you intentioned it to be. There are ways we can combat feelings of weariness, burnout, and defeat while still allowing ourselves time to recharge. First, rewind and reflect on what you hoped to get out of this summer. What did you want to do with your kids? Are you enjoying it? If you are struggling, now is a great time for a “redo;” there is plenty of time to take back the reins of summer.

Do what works best for your family

Think about what you envisioned for you and your family this summer. What has worked and what has not? On the days that I am home with my little ones, it helps to have a morning and afternoon activity planned, one that is well liked and one that is an area of growth. This structure helps the day go by and gives more purpose. If you find yourself getting frustrated and upset, regroup and try again. If you are feeling this way more days than not, consider taking time to pour back into yourself. This could be waking up fifteen minutes early to enjoy a cup of coffee uninterrupted, going for a walk before the kids wake up, or having a devotional.

Your child is fairly certain to act like a child, which means someone who is still learning, has different priorities than you do, and can’t always manage her feelings or actions. Her childish behavior is guaranteed, at times, to push your buttons. The problem is when we begin acting like a child, too. Dr. Laura Markham author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids

Acting like a child can be a lot easier than acting like an adult. It is more tempting to act like a child when we do not feel in charge of our household. How can you restructure this week to feel a little more on top of things and a little less stressed?

Connect with your kids

Every child, babies to teenagers, need connection. Do your best to have one on one time with each kid in your family each week. Get their input on what they may like to do with you. Here are some ideas if you get stuck.

Ways to connect this summer

Babies to Elementary School Kids	Middle and High School
Pool time	Art project
Splash pad	Home improvement project
Backyard water fun	Learn a new skill
Library outing	Pool time
Museum outing	Shopping trip
Treasure hunt	Volunteer
Art project	Play a sport/Exercise
Board game	Board game
Indoor play area	Cook together
Movie night	Movie night

Use the summertime to work on a goal or value

The summertime can be less stressful for school aged kids without the day-to-day academic and social pressures. Some of your little ones are not spending time in mother’s day out programs over the summer and have more time with you. As you are connecting with your kids, consider an area of growth for them. What area do you need to coach? Manners? Social skills? Impulse control? Emotion regulation? What value or character quality do you want them to exude more of? Empathy? Gratitude? Contentment? Talk about it with them. Give them opportunities to practice. Affirm them when you see them working to meet their goal or demonstrating a value.

As you are being intentional with your child this summer, I cannot say enough about serving/volunteering together. There is power in this shared experience. Altruistic endeavors such as serving or volunteering together can foster gratitude, empathy, sense of purpose, and less self-centeredness. It is never too early to start.

One more thought

When you find yourself looking at that clock again, remember you are not alone in parenting. Each day is a new opportunity. Yesterday’s arguments and accidents do not have to spill over into today. I often reflect on this verse to feel refreshed and have hope in a new day.

Lamentations 3:22-23

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Best,

Andrea Palmer

Reference:

Markham, L. (2012) Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. New York: Perigree Press.