Category: coparenting

Posted in coparenting, counseling, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized, values

Creating Something New

Posted on by themommytherapist

I’m sure you’ve seen the meme circulating about how parents make different choices in the rearing of their children, but in the end everyone has hit their kid’s head on the car when putting them into their carseat.  It is funny and sad because it is so true.  There are so many decisions and perspectives yelling for our attention as parents.  Some people are able to narrow their frame of reference to include the traditions and history modeled by their own families.  However, when your experiences are those of pain and chaos, there is no where to turn when decisions are uncertain. 

Dysfunction is everywhere.  Often it invades our families and distresses our childhoods.  When it comes to parenting, remembering the parenting we have received can be a laundry list of our parents’ mistakes.  No parent is perfect, but when the main parenting style you claim is “the opposite of my parents”, there can be some difficulty.  There is nothing wrong with your struggle. There is the chance to be better. To do better for the next generation. 

Here are a few ideas to consider when you cannot lean on your parents’ examples:

CONSIDER YOUR COMMUNITY

There will always be people you see and admire.  Especially those that engage with their children with seeming supernatural patience and wisdom.  These people are flawed, but can also be a great resource of information.  If you feel particularly brave, ask their stance on certain issues and learn their reasons.  Seldom are parents stingy with their parenting opinions.  Often we have to ask others to keep their thoughts to themselves.  Being able to share passionate beliefs related to caring for our small ones, is something we all find important.  If you are not feeling brave, observe.  We can learn so much from watching those around us and gleaning their ideas from seeing their behavior.  The goal of observing is not with the purpose of comparison. Let me type that again, not for the purpose of comparison. Remember that parenting is a journey.  Look around for those navigating a little ahead or at a little smoother pace and utilize that resource.

CONSIDER HELPING PROFESSIONALS

Seeking professional help related to parenting is not a negative.  There are parenting classes available through some community centers, hospitals and churches.  Find somewhere that mirrors the principles you want to instill in your children and take advantage of those opportunities.  However, trusting professionals could be a more personal choice than training. Sometimes wounds from parents run deep.  Finding a way to mend and heal from those wounds will make you a better parent.  The phrase, “hurt people, hurt people,” is true.  A more specific truth: hurt parents can create hurting children.  You must deal with your own pain and  consequences from your parents’ choices so that you can prevent the same injuries.  A healthy you, is a step toward healthy children. 

CONSIDER YOUR CO-PARENT

Apart from outliers, you intentionally chose the person with which you have a child.  There was something within them and the relationship that created a sense of trust.  A belief that they were someone reliable and safe.  Lean on that. Even if both of you have come from dysfunctional families, you are two brains committed to a healthy childhood for your children.  Utilize that partnership and become a team of advocates for your family if they have proven to be consistently trustworthy. Explore the positives and negatives from your formative years, decide how to emulate the parenting style you value.  Do research together and share the load.  Allow them to be a sense of reality apart from your experiences.

CONSIDER YOUR INSTINCTS

The fact that you are unsure and insecure about your parenting choices due to negative decisions made by your parents, is a good sign.  It shows the dedication you have to making sure your children have a different experience.  Often, when looking at many of the ideas related to parenting, you know what is best for your child.   This may not always be true and without question.  However, there is something to be said for your understanding and knowledge of your child and your family.  Have faith in yourself and your ability to parent due to your dedication to your kids.  Self-awareness goes a long way in being a better parent.  Explore the effects of your parents’ parenting on you as an individual and decide the choices you will avoid or boundaries you will set in your own family. This is one of greatest gifts you can give to yourself and the next generation.

A perspective that you may appreciate, or may not, is the aid that prayer can have in this setting of new patterns. My own mother parented out of a new desire and new plan in contrast to her upbringing. She always shares that the way she was able to do things differently was “through prayer and asking God to show me how to make it different”. She often quotes the scripture 2 Corinthians 12:10, “where I am weak, then I am strong” and James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God.” Look, He is doing a new thing!

You are doing great.  Sometimes deciding to parent after a difficult childhood can be the bravest decision of them all.  Your concerns are valid, but you are not your parents. You are creating something new and different.  You get to decide the tempo and culture of your family.  Make it count.  Make it different.  Make it yours. 

Battling with you for the next generation,

Allyson

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Posted in coparenting, counseling, divorce, home, parenting, values

Separately and Together

Posted on by themommytherapist

Those of you, who are single, separated, or divorced, we see you. We know that your parenting journey is likely complex. Your friends that are raising kids in a home with both parents may be supportive but cannot completely understand what you are going through. You have likely been through or are on an emotional roller coaster over the care of your children. Though it is impossible to cover every circumstance or situation when you are co-parenting with your child’s parent who you are not living with, it is possible to encourage you in a few areas for the benefit of you and your child.

Behind the Scenes Parenting

Communication is key to co-parenting from different homes so that your child is not placed in the role of the liaison between parents. If your child currently is the liaison, I would encourage you to remove him or her from this role as it can be so stressful on the child. If communication with your child’s other parent is less than ideal, I would encourage behind the scenes communication as much as possible so that the child is not experiencing heated conflict between parents. Communication between both parents can help a child feel connected to both parents and felt taken care of as they know both parents have knowledge of his or her needs and what is important to him or her.

When possible, it is great if both parents can be on the communication lists for school, extracurricular activities, appointments, and important events so that both parents are in the loop and the child knows this. Find a communication method that works best for you. Sometimes it seems like each text message, email, phone call or face to face interaction with the other produces a range of negative emotions. When this is occurring, take some time to regroup by yourself so you are not relaying this to your child.

Cut the Criticism

I preach this, and I know it is so hard! Please do not put down your child’s other parent in front of them. Children do not want to hear bad things about either parent even if it is true. That other parent is part of your child. Often times what one parent says about the other gets back to the other parent via the child, and this does nothing to help effective co-parenting.

I write this humbly as I am sure there are layers and layers of hurt and frustration behind those comments that are critical in nature. “Hurt people hurt people,” and I know you do not want to further hurt your child with the comments about his or her other parent. Please take the high road. This is a great area to work on with a counselor so that you do have a place to process all of that hurt and say those comments!

In the event that your child’s other parent is not in the picture because of abuse, neglect, or addiction, having an age appropriate conversation with your about the other parent’s choices/illness may be necessary. I would encourage you to seek the advice of a professional here.

Letting Go

It can be very difficult to have your child being parented in a way that is not your choice. If the way he or she is being parented at the other parent’s home is causing them distress, is abusive, is unsafe, or something is blatantly wrong, of course it is time to speak up. In some cases a mediator or attorney may be needed.  Generally speaking communication is needed to discuss values that you would like to see for your child in each home. Realistically, you cannot control the way the other parent parents, and you may do things completely different.

For the everyday things that you cannot control at the other home, like bedtime, dinner choice, screen time, and routine, I encourage you to let it go. Your mental health will be better for it. I know it is difficult, but consider letting one thing go this week. In the same fashion, stop yourself before reprimanding your child for not putting himself to bed a decent time if you know the other parent does not enforce a bedtime. You can encourage good choices, but it is never a good feeling for a child to get in trouble for something the other parent allows, like bedtime or screen time.

Advertise What You Agree On

Savor what you agree on with your child’s other parent. Be thankful for it! As it takes five positive interactions to cancel out one negative interaction, each time you can agree and make a joint decision, you are putting coins in the positive co-parenting bank.

Advertise what you agree on to your child. Knowing both parents are for and behind him/her can strengthen a child’s resiliency and enhance confidence. Here are some examples of advertising what you agree on.

“Your dad and I are so proud of your hard work at school this nine weeks.”

“Your mom and I support your decision to focus on more on baseball and not play basketball this year.”

“Mom and I were talking today about what good choices you have been making.”

“Dad and I are both seeing that you haven’t been yourself lately. We wanted to check in.”

I would encourage you to continue to run this race with perseverance leaning on the necessary supports: faith, family, friends, and hopefully a therapist. You are seen and your journey matters. Please remember that each day is a new day, and your relationship with your child is irreplaceable.

With kindness and humility,

Andrea

Posted in coparenting, counseling, motherhood, parenting, values

Grounded Parenting

Posted on by themommytherapist

About a year after I became a parent, a meme started to circulate about motherhood:

How To Be A Mom in 2017: Make sure your children’s academic, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, physical, nutritional, and social needs are met while being careful not to overstimulate, understimulate, improperly medicate, helicopter, or neglect them in a screen-free, processed foods-free, GMO-free, negative energy-free, plastic-free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian but also authoritative, nurturing but fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free two-story, multilingual home preferably in a cul-de-sac with a backyard and 1.5 siblings spaced at least two year apart for proper development also don’t forget the coconut oil.

How To Be A Mom In Literally Every Generation Before Ours: Feed them sometimes.

-Bunmi Laditan

While it’s easy to look at this list and laugh at how unrealistic it is, it really does describe the ways that I often feel pressured to parent by the world around me. There is always a new theory, method, or parenting style that becomes vogue and sometimes you can’t help but wonder, “Should I be doing that too?” But trying to do every little thing right and please others with your parenting style is a battle that you can never win. You are either too much of one thing or not enough of another and there are never enough hours in the day to do everything that feels expected of you. And things get even messier when the people closest to you have different opinions on what is most important to do as a parent.

All of this can feel overwhelming, especially when you have to juggle figuring all of this out with a partner or family member who is parenting with you. How do you decide which good things to choose for your family and which to let go of? Are there good things you are allowed to let go of? How do you choose between two good choices, or even between two bad ones?

KNOW YOUR VALUES

When you know your values, it is easier to make parenting decisions. Parenting comes with a lot of expectations and your values make it clear which expectations are the most important to fulfill. Otherwise, everyone in your family will be overwhelmed, disappointed, and frankly, confused. It can be even be hard to choose values as a family because there are so many good ones, but try to narrow it down to 3-5 primary values. There is a fun tool at https://www.think2perform.com/our-approach/values/new  that you can use to help you explore what values are important to both you and your partner.

Coming to a mutual decision concerning values helps primary parents set goals, communicate better, and more easily make both the hard and mundane decisions. It is also helpful for keeping your parenting grounded in the midst of all of the other voices in your lives, including friends, media, in-laws, babysitters, school, the church, and other parental figures in the life of your child.

VALUES KEEP EVERYONE ON THE SAME PAGE

One of the best ways to learn and check your own understanding on a topic is to teach it to someone else. So ask yourself, do you know your parenting values well enough to teach them to someone else? Everyone involved in parenting your child has had a different experience with the world, and even if they say they have the same values as you, their nuanced interaction with the world around them will make their understanding of a particular value a little different than your own. Being able to clearly articulate the values that are important to you to your co-parent or other parenting figures in your child’s life ensures that everyone is on the same page. If your babysitter, your neighbors, your best friend, and your in-laws all know your family’s top three parenting values and what those values mean to your family, then it will be easier for everyone to participate in your family’s life in more seamless ways that reinforce your values.

KEEP IT VISIBLE

Once you have decided on your parenting values and have taken the time to really evaluate what those values mean for your family specifically, keep them visible. Create a family motto and hang it on your wall. Have your kids draw a picture of what those values look like to them. Set a reminder in your phone to talk to your parenting partners periodically about how well you are doing in creating a life that reflects your values. Change the lyrics to a song to include your values and learn it as a family. This way when the questions and uncertainties of parenting come your way, you can make sure that what you value is also what you are living.

In the joy and in the chaos,

Selena

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a replacement for counseling or medical services. The information on this site is intended for general and educational purposes only. Before taking action based on the information you find in this blog, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. The use or reliance on any information found on this site is solely at your own risk. You are welcome to contact us in response to this post. We will not provide online counseling services via our contact form. We encourage you to seek counseling services of your own if you are looking for more support, help, and advice. If you are in crisis or have a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.